For personal use and select distribution only © by Judy A. June 2002

Where We Belong
by Judith A.

Chapter Seven

“Brian, Dr. Mike tells us you’re a reporter,” Ben said before biting into an apple.

“I’m learning to be. I’m an apprentice at the Boston Globe,” Brian explained wiping his mouth with a napkin.

“That’s a very prestigious newspaper even if it isn’t The New York Times,” Ben teased. “My father is an editor at the New York Times so I’m biased.”

“He is!” Brian’s eyes widened.

“Yes. If you show me something you’ve written I’ll send it to him and see what he thinks,” Ben offered peeking into the picnic basket.

“What’s for dessert?”

Michaela slammed the lid down. “You’ll have to wait,” she said pretending to be stern.

“Would you really?” Brian asked excitedly.

“Sure. I believe we have a lot in common Brian. You write about the present and I take all that reporters have written through history and try to make sense of our past,” Ben elaborated.

Brian took another bite of chicken. “What are you researching out here Mr. Morrison?”

“Oh please, call me Ben,” he said. “I’m researching the Plains Indians – the Cheyenne and Arapaho and I want to see the land they call their home first hand to help me better understand their life. I want to persuade my students that the Indians have a right to this land and explain how they are being mistreated by the government.”

“I never heard anyone speak of the Indians having rights except my Pa, and my Ma, of course,” Brian said turning to Michaela.

Ben looked at Michaela. “Dr. Mike, you’ve been holding out on me,” he said wryly.

“What do you mean?”

Ben shifted his position on the blanket to better face her. “Well, in reading through old issues of the Gazette, it’s clear you have a strong bond with the Cheyenne,” he said with admiration.

Michaela looked down at the blanket as she recalled her friends. “Well, yes I did,” she admitted.

“Jason, Dr. Mike uses Indian remedies in her practice,” Ben told him eager to gauge his reaction.

“You do?” Jason felt uneasy about this revelation. “Isn’t that rather unconventional?” he asked anxiously.

“Yes, I suppose it is,” Michaela replied hoping Jason would have an open mind. “I’ve found many of their remedies work as well and in some cases better than ours. When I first arrived here, it was difficult to obtain medicine on a regular basis so I had no choice but to use their cures. I’ve integrated many of them into my practice such as willow bark tea for fevers and stinging nettles for allergies.”

“Fascinating,” Jason responded. “I’d be interested in learning more about these ancient remedies.”

Michaela was relieved. “I’ll show you how to use them to care for our patients.”

“I’d like to learn more about that also,” Ben added. “I’d like to show my students that our way of doing things is not the only way. Integrating other cultures will only strengthen us as a people.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” Michaela said emphatically.

“Ma and I could show you where Black Kettle’s village was,” Brian interrupted. “The Indians were our friends before they were all forced to leave Colorado. Ma learned all about their medicine and my Pa lived with the Cheyenne,” Brian added proudly.

“Dr. Mike, could you really show me where the Indian villages were located?” Ben urged. “Could you share your stories of your friends so I could tell my students who the Indians really are and not what the government wants us to see? It would really help if we could humanize them,” he went on excitedly.

“Yes I could,” she replied. “I’m only sorry my husband isn’t here. He knows the Indian lands and their way of life better than anyone in Colorado. But Brian and I would be pleased to show you what we can.” Michaela turned back to Katie and Josef who were growing restless with the adult conversation.

“Splendid, I can hardly wait,” Ben said eager to get started. “Why don’t we go after lunch?”

“I couldn’t possibly go today Ben. I have…”

“Ma,” Brian interrupted her again. “Why don’t you take Ben. I can watch Katie and Josef.”

“You don’t mind?” Michaela asked her son. “Jason, you’re welcome to come too. I could show you the natural remedies I was referring to.”

“No, you go on Ma,” Brian answered.

“No thank you, I’ve got some reading to catch up on. You go ahead,” Jason replied.

* * *

Sully and Cloud Dancing returned to the reservation after hunting in the woods and came upon a group of Cheyenne men engaged in horse racing competitions. Chief Little Wolf had a particular fondness for horses and enjoyed watching as well as participating in the races.

“How ‘bout I race ya?” Sully suggested to Cloud Dancing as they approached the competition.

“Wait here,” Cloud Dancing instructed holding his hand up to Sully. Turning around, he approached Little Wolf to ask permission to join the races. Little Wolf agreed since he couldn’t imagine a white man being able to out ride a Medicine Man.

“What’d he say?” Sully asked when Cloud Dancing returned.

“Let’s race,” Cloud Dancing replied.

They placed their bows and arrows along with the small game they caught earlier beside a tree and led their horses to the spot where the races began. The Cheyenne lined up along the route to cheer on Cloud Dancing. No bets were made because no one believed the white man could win. With their horses at the starting line, Little Wolf made a call to start the race and their horses were off. At the first turn Cloud Dancing was in the lead, and about fifty Cheyenne stood on the sidelines enthusiastically cheering him on. Behind him Sully was quickly closing the distance and for the next eighth of a mile they rode side by side. As they approached the finish line Sully had overtaken Cloud Dancing for the lead and he went on to win the race by two lengths. It was a decisive defeat.

“Good race,” Sully commented to his friend as he tried to catch his breath.

“No. I could not beat you today,” Cloud Dancing replied as he dismounted.

“It’s a good horse,” Sully added.

“It is not the horse. As long as you are running away no one will catch you,” Cloud Dancing told him.

“I’m not runnin’ away!” Sully grew agitated.

Cloud Dancing shrugged his shoulders. “That is what the spirits say.”

“I’m…” A loud chorus of angry braves interrupted Sully’s reply. They yelled at Cloud Dancing for his failure to beat the white man and they yelled insults at Sully. To quell the tension, Little Wolf approached and challenged Sully to race the best rider on the reservation on the fastest horse. Cloud Dancing approached the Chief.

“The spirits are with him today,” Cloud Dancing told Little Wolf in Cheyenne. He was concerned about what might happen if Sully beat Young Bird.

“The spirits are not with veho,” Little Wolf replied dismissively.

“He may be veho, but his spirit goes with the Cheyenne,” Cloud Dancing defended.

“I have seen what veho does to the Cheyenne,” Little Wolf snapped then glared at Sully and spoke in Cheyenne, “Have you the courage?”

“Yes. I’ll race Young Bird,” Sully answered in Cheyenne.

Sully briefly considered losing the race on purpose to lessen their hostility toward him, but he decided that only by doing his best could he ever hope to gain their respect. The Cheyenne were fierce competitors and often challenged each other in contests of skill, as each one was eager to outdo the others. Young Bird was the fastest rider on the reservation. None of the other Cheyenne men had ever beaten him except Little Wolf. Not a single Cheyenne thought Sully had a chance except Cloud Dancing.

Sully and Young Bird led their horses to the same spot he had been moments ago. Little Wolf made the call and their horses were off. They ran neck and neck for the majority of the race, through the first turn and over the stream, but Young Bird pulled ahead at the next turn. The Cheyenne lined the route to cheer him on yelling words of encouragement to Young Bird and taunts to Sully. Down the stretch Young Bird was in the lead with Sully gaining speed behind him. Catching up, Sully rode next to the Cheyenne to the finish line and won by a nose. All the Indians fell silent.

“You gave me a tough race,” Sully told Young Bird in Cheyenne as he held out his arm to him in a show of respect. Young Bird quickly brushed past him, knocking into him as he walked by.

Little Wolf walked over followed by about twenty men and Cloud Dancing. “You bumped his horse,” he accused in Cheyenne.

“I did not! It was a fair race!” Sully demanded.

“Liar,” one brave yelled out. “Yeah, Liar!” shouted another.

Little Wolf turned around and led his men away from the races leaving Sully and Cloud Dancing standing alone. Sully was astonished. The Cheyenne he used to know would have rallied around the winner praising his skill even if he was a white man. Still, he wouldn’t lose hope. Eventually the tribe would see him for who he was and accept him. Of that Sully was certain.

* * *

“Here’s where Black Kettle’s village was,” Michaela began staring at the land that was once a vibrant Indian village. “I never knew a man who wanted peace more and in the end the Army destroyed his village.”

“How did you get so close to the Cheyenne?” Ben asked curious.

“My husband mostly,” she reflected. “He lived with the Cheyenne for a time and he helped them negotiate with the Army. We would come to the reservation every week to provide medical services and a Cheyenne medicine man started teaching me about the natural plants and herbs used in healing. I would have died from the influenza if it hadn’t been for one of their teas. There were countless times the Cheyenne came to the aid of the town or of my family. They were a brave and noble people,” Michaela explained respectfully.

“Would you be willing to share some of your stories with me?” Ben tentatively asked.

“Don’t you know everything from reading about it in the Gazette?” she replied in jest, her eyes sparkling.

“I’d like a first hand account,” he returned as they continued to walk.

Michaela motioned for them to sit down, and they sat facing each other as she told him her stories of the Cheyenne. “The first time I met the Cheyenne, they helped me search for Brian when he ran away. Brian was about six years old when he came to live with me after his mother died, and shortly after he ran away to live with the Cheyenne. Sully was his hero and Brian wanted to be just like him. Fortunately Sully and I found him. But by leaving their reservation to help us, the Cheyenne risked war with the Army.” She paused to look at Ben who was captivated by every word. “Then there was the time they saved Thanksgiving for the town during a drought.”

“How did they do that?”

“It hadn’t rained for weeks and the vegetables didn’t come up. The Cheyenne brought vegetables that grow with little water. Sully and Cloud Dancing brought the turkey and the Indians brought the rest of the meal,” she explained.

“Sort of like the first Thanksgiving,” he compared.

“Exactly. Only during the meal it rained and everything got soaked.” She laughed at the memory.

“You still cared about the Cheyenne even after they kidnapped you?” he wondered, nervous he might be getting too personal.

“You read about that?”

Ben nodded. “If you don’t want to talk about it, I’ll understand.”

Michaela still trembled at the memory and took a deep breath to continue. “No, that’s all right. The Dog Soldiers kidnapped me and it wouldn’t be right to be angry with a whole tribe based on the actions of a few. They were desperate and thought waging war with the Army was the only way to preserve their way of life. In the end, it only hastened their destruction,” she said sadly.

“Weren’t you terrified?” he asked sympathetically.

Michaela nodded as she remembered those horrible days. “Yes. They were three of the most terrifying days of my life,” she admitted. “But I was rescued, unharmed, and my friendship with the Cheyenne never wavered.” As she recalled those days, she thought of Sully. How she wished he were by her side now as he was back then. Both of them should be here sharing their stories of the Cheyenne with Ben.

“Not many could have been so generous,” he remarked enthralled with her stories. “Dorothy told me your husband rescued you.” He wanted to know if that was true.

Michaela smiled at the memory. “We weren’t married yet, but yes Sully rescued me. He has an uncanny way of knowing when I need him and where to find me. I knew then we had a connection few people will ever know,” she told him with her voice conveying deep love for her husband.

Talking to Ben about Black Kettle’s village had left Michaela overcome with emotion. She hadn’t told those stories and relived those memories for many years. Cloud Dancing had not been back to Colorado Springs for a couple of years and there were very little reminders of the Cheyenne in town. Sully rarely spoke of them recently even though she knew they were always close to his heart. If she closed her eyes she could picture the village of twelve years ago with women weaving baskets, children laughing, and the tribal council deciding the future of the tribe. The Cheyenne had taught her so much about medicine and about life.

“You seem lost in thought,” Ben stated.

Michaela startled, almost forgetting he was there. “Being here brings back a lot of memories,” she simply explained.

“Would you mind telling me other stories?” he asked shyly not wanting to pry.

“Do you know what happened at Washita?” she asked brushing her hands lightly over the ground.

“Yes. Dorothy told me about it and some of the truth was disclosed back east. That must have been very painful for you.”

Michaela nodded barely able to speak. “It was. I lost a very close friend.”

Ben’s heart went out to her. “I’m sorry.” They sat silently for several moments. “Can you tell me what happened after? When the Army came and put the tribes on reservations?”

Michaela wiped away a tear. “Sully was the Indian Agent for the territory. He thought he could help the Cheyenne preserve their way of life on the reservation, but the government didn’t want that. They didn’t send the food they were promised. They wanted to turn them into white men, completely disregarding their heritage. Sully was eventually fired for not following government orders,” she explained. “He fought against having them change their clothes and hair and attend government schools.”

“In the east we hear all the Indian agents were corrupt,” Ben spoke guardedly.

“Many were. Sully didn’t know that. He thought he could make a difference, but in the end he couldn’t change what was happening.”

“What happened at Palmer Creek?” he asked concerned he might be overstepping his bounds.

Michaela stiffened. “You have to understand that Cloud Dancing is my husband’s closest friend. He would have died on that reservation. The Army nearly beat him to death for returning a few minutes late.” She paused to take a deep breath. “Sully tried to find a way for him to travel north and join another band of Cheyenne. His method proved unwise as it started an Indian rebellion. But Sully had no idea the Indians were going to fight the Army,” she said defending his actions.

“He sounds like an incredible man,” Ben said sincerely. “I’m glad everything worked out and he was pardoned. Where’s your husband now?”

Michaela grew uncomfortable. “He’s in Montana. In fact, he’s with friends on the Cheyenne reservation.”

Being at the old Cheyenne village brought back so many memories. This is where she first realized her attraction to Sully. That night in the tepee when he was helping her look for Brian, he covered her with his red serape and tenderly placed his hands on her shoulders. She felt shivers through her body. She had never felt anything so powerful. It frightened her and excited her at the same time. His touch could always stir her; it still does. She and Sully shared so much happiness and heartache here. They experienced the joy of special friendships, of healing the sick, and of helping friends in need. They also experienced the heartache of the Typhus epidemic, Snowbird’s miscarriage, and Washita. Michaela was sorry she argued with Sully so much about his involvement with the Indians after he came back from hiding from the Army. She knew what they meant to him, but her fears of losing him were too strong.

Ben was staring at her intently, wondering what she was thinking about. He could not have imagined that such an accomplished woman could be so charming and share his views on the Indians. He thought her husband, who likewise sounded remarkable, was a lucky man. Ben was looking forward to meeting Sully.

Breaking the silence Michaela finally spoke, “Ben, I think we should return. It’s getting late.”

* * *

Sully had been at the reservation for several weeks and almost no one spoke to him. After the horse race, a few of the Indians showed him grudging respect, but Chief Little Wolf still wouldn’t permit him to participate in any of the Cheyenne traditions. Although he spoke in Cheyenne and showed he knew and respected their ways, it didn’t matter. Nothing he did could change their mind. The Chief could only see him as a white man so he mostly kept to himself and spent time with Cloud Dancing.

When Sully noticed several men throwing tomahawks, he saw another opportunity to fit in. His skill with the tomahawk had been unsurpassed in Black Kettle’s village and while rusty, he knew he could hold his own. At first he stood on the sidelines and watched the contest, then he finally gathered the courage to speak. “Mind if I take on the winner?” he asked in Cheyenne.

The Cheyenne eyed him warily, but welcomed an opportunity to challenge him in a contest they would surely win. Little Wolf challenged Sully to take on the best tomahawk thrower in the village, Little Eagle. Little Eagle stepped forward and threw the tomahawk directly into the center of the target. Sully stepped forward and twirled the tomahawk in his hand several times. Then he let go and watched as it hit the center of the target, right near Little Eagle’s weapon. The Indians huddled together discussing Sully.

“You will throw again,” Little Eagle told him.

Sully nodded and stepped back, raising his tomahawk in the air. He let go and the tomahawk again landed in the center of the target.

“You cheat,” yelled one man in Cheyenne.

Sully just stood there. “I didn’t cheat. I lived with Black Kettle’s village. I learned from my Cheyenne family,” he tried to explain.

The Cheyenne just shook their heads and yelled. “Cheater!” They advanced towards Sully and started to push him. Sully knew he couldn’t defend himself against this group of angry men so he just walked away as they shouted insults at him as he left.

Sully walked to the far end of the reservation and sat down under a tree. He thought about what he could do to win their trust. He wanted to fit in and feel the same sense of belonging he had in Black Kettle’s village; only he didn’t know if he could. As Cloud Dancing had said, these weren’t the same Cheyenne Sully knew. Their numerous confrontations with the Army had changed them.

* * *

“Now tell me all about school today sweetheart,” Michaela said as she lifted Josef into the bathtub.

“We learned about Thanksgiving and the pilgims,” he said playing with his wooden boat in the water.

“Pilgrims,” Michaela corrected. She rolled up her sleeves and brought the bar of soap down his back and arms.

Katie walked into the room in her nightgown and stepped over to the tub. “I have to write about my favorite Thanksgiving,” she told her mother.

Michaela turned to her daughter while continuing to wash Josef’s back and neck. “Do you know which one is your favorite?”

Katie shook her head.

“Well, we’ll have to think about it.” Josef held the boat under water and let go, splashing everyone as it shot up to the surface.

“Josef Quinn,” Michaela gently scolded. “Don’t get us all wet.”

Katie and Josef giggled. “Sorry,” he said as he steered his boat in circles around the tub. “Katie, write about when Papa took you with him to get the turkey,” he suggested.

Katie thought for a moment. “Or when everyone was home for Thanksgiving and even Grandma came. Remember Mama?”

“I certainly do. It sounds like you have a few Thanksgivings to choose from.” Michaela continued to wash Josef’s neck and behind his ears.

“Will Papa be home for Thanksgiving?” Josef asked looking up at his mother with his deep blue eyes, those eyes that reminded her of Sully.

Michaela was caught off guard. This was the very question she had been asking herself for days. “I hope so sweetheart.”

“I miss Papa,” Katie told her sitting down beside the tub.

Michaela stroked her daughter’s hair. “I know. We all miss him.”

“Why’s he gone so long?” Katie asked leaning against her mother for support.

“Silly,” Josef replied. “Papa has to go far to save the land.”

Michaela lifted Josef out of the tub and wrapped him in a towel. “That’s right. Papa has to be away for work, but don’t forget that he loves us very much and he’ll be with us as soon as he can.” Michaela was relieved the children seemed satisfied with her explanation. She towel-dried her son and put on his pajamas. “Come on, it’s time for bed you two.”

Once the children were asleep, Michaela came back downstairs and made a cup of tea. With her hands wrapped around the warm cup, she sat mesmerized by the flames in the fireplace. She was feeling desperately lonely and helpless to do anything to bring her husband home. Sully had been away for two months before, but he never failed to send word. He would wire them when he arrived and again when he knew when he would return, sometimes more. Something about this trip didn’t feel right and Michaela was starting to seriously worry. Tears sprang to her eyes as she replayed their last few days together trying to find clues about what was going on. Finally exhausted, she wiped her tears and stood to go up to bed telling herself that he would be home for Thanksgiving. Then they could begin to put their marriage back together.

* * *

“Dr. Mike, over here,” Ben called from his seat at the café.

Michaela walked quickly over to the table and sat down. “Ben, I’m sorry I’m late. We had an emergency that required both Jason and I to handle.”

“Don’t worry about it. Never knew a doctor who could keep to a schedule,” he gently chided.

“And you’ve known many doctors, have you?” she asked with eyebrows raised.

“A few. They were friends of my father’s. I don’t know how you do it with two small children,” he remarked motioning for Grace to come over.

“I couldn’t without my family and friends. When Sully’s home he’s an equal partner with the home and the children. I also have Matthew and now Brian and many of my friends who will look after Katie and Josef if I have an emergency,” she explained.

“What can I get you folks?” Grace asked carrying two cups of coffee for another table.

“I’ll have the meatloaf and some apple cider,” Ben replied.

“I’ll have the same,” Michaela said looking up at Grace.

“I’ll be right back with the cider,” Grace told them as she walked back toward the kitchen.

“That’s the benefit of a small town,” Ben said returning to the conversation. “People look out for each other.”

Grace brought over the pitcher of cider and filled two glasses for Michaela and Ben.

“Thank you Grace,” Michaela said.

“You’re welcome,” Grace returned as she rushed off to take another order.

“Colorado Springs has grown so much since I arrived over twelve years ago now, but I suppose compared to New York or Boston, it’s still a small town.” Michaela lifted the glass to take a sip of cider.

“What made you come all the way out here?”

“I wanted to practice medicine, and after my father died, no one took me seriously in Boston,” she replied.

Grace returned to place their meals on the table and hurried off again.

“Do you miss Boston? Do you think you’d ever want to live in a big city again?” Ben asked bringing the fork to his mouth.

“I miss some aspects of city life, but no, I’m very happy here. If anything I could imagine my husband wanting to move someplace more remote,” she said, her voice reflecting sadness at the thought of leaving her home.

“What about you? What do you want?” Ben asked putting his fork down on the plate.

“I want my family to be happy and I want to be able to practice medicine.” She paused to take another bite of meatloaf. “What about you Ben. Were you born in New York?”

“Yes. I’m the oldest of five children. Jason’s the youngest and there’s three girls in between us,” he chuckled.

Michaela grinned. “My parents had five children also, all girls. I’m the youngest. What made you choose to study history?”

“As you can imagine as the oldest son I was expected to follow in my father’s footsteps. I started out thinking I’d be a reporter, but I could never get the stories done.” Ben laughed at the memory. “I was always trying to understand how things fit into our history. I spent more and more time in the College and less time at the paper,” he confessed.

“Did your father understand your choice?”

Ben shook his head. “Not at first, but he does now. Besides, my youngest sister appears destined to follow in his footsteps.” Ben brought another forkful of food to his mouth.

Michaela’s eyes widened. “Has your father encouraged this?” she asked eagerly.

“Yes. She’s quite talented,” Ben replied. “I’d love for her to meet Dorothy. They would really hit it off. I’ve sent her some issues of the Gazette so she can see that a woman can run a newspaper.”

“Your family sounds very interesting Ben.” Michaela paused taking another sip of cider. “If you don’t mind my asking, why have you never married?” Ben was handsome and intelligent and she thought any number of young ladies must have been eager to marry him.

Ben’s eyes darkened and he looked down at the table. “I was engaged once.” He took another sip of cider before continuing. “Her name was Rose and it suited her,” he said smiling at the memory.

“Was?” Michaela gently pressed.

“She died five years ago during a smallpox epidemic,” he spoke softly pushing the hair from his face.

“I’m sorry,” Michaela replied quietly.

Ben looked into her eyes. “It’s taken me a long time to recover. I buried myself in my work.”

“I’m prone to do that as well,” she confessed.

“With Rose I had found the one person I knew I could spend the rest of my life with. When she died, I gave up hope of ever meeting anyone else I could feel that strongly about,” he revealed.

“As hard as it is sometimes, I try to never give up hope,” Michaela responded encouragingly.

“Well, I’ve talked your ear off long enough. I’ll escort you back to the clinic then return to the Gazette. Dorothy has been telling me about her friend Cloud Dancing,” Ben explained as he rose from his chair.

Chapter Eight

Spending time with Cloud Dancing was renewing Sully’s spirit. He had missed the long walks, the fishing trips, and the talks with his brother. No one understood him like Cloud Dancing, lately not even Michaela. Sully felt more at peace than he had in months, but he was lonely. The village was still hostile and few talked to him or answered when he spoke, even when he spoke in Cheyenne. He was beginning to realize that it wouldn’t get any better.

“Are ya sure this is where you belong Cloud Dancin’?” Sully asked as they were hunting in the woods.

Cloud Dancing nodded. “The spirits have told me I must remain with my people and teach the children the old ways. After the slaughter by General Mackenzie there is little left of our sacred articles to be passed down. And after Fort Robinson there are few who remember the old ways. I must stay and teach what I can.” He paused and lifted his bow and arrow as he spotted a rabbit. “If I do not do this the tribe loses its way,” Cloud Dancing added, the rabbit having gotten away.

Sully spotted a group of braves drinking whiskey under a tree. “It doesn’t seem like they’re listenin’ to ya.”

“Many do not, but if I can reach one young person, he will keep our song alive.” Cloud Dancing walked for several minutes before continuing. “Sully, I could dwell on my failures, but I choose to focus on those I am able to reach. As long as there is one person who will listen, the tribe has a future.”

“You sound like Michaela,” Sully rejoined.

“She is a wise woman. You need to ask yourself why you no longer listen to her.” Cloud Dancing looked at Sully, but Sully looked down unable to respond. “Come, there is someone I wish you to meet,” Cloud Dancing said leading Sully toward a tepee on the edge of the village. He introduced him to a young Cheyenne couple with two children about Katie and Josef’s age. Cloud Dancing made the introductions. “Sully, this is Running Arrow and his wife Little Feather. I am teaching Running Arrow about the medicine like I did with Dr. Mike. I am also teaching him some of what I learned from her. Running Arrow is going to be a great Cheyenne Medicine Man and he will pass on the old ways to our children.”

Sully greeted Running Arrow in Cheyenne. Running Arrow returned the greeting warily, not knowing what to make of this white man in Indian clothes. Cloud Dancing explained that Sully was his brother and his wife was a gifted Medicine Woman among the whites who helped his people overcome many terrible illnesses. Warming a little, Running Arrow clasped Sully’s arm in a greeting. They spent an hour or so talking and sharing stories.

“Is this enough for you Cloud Dancin’?” Sully asked as they bid farewell to the couple.

“It is more than enough,” Cloud Dancing affirmed.

“Father, I found the herbs and roots you told me about,” called out a young boy a little older than Katie as he ran by Sully and Cloud Dancing.

Cloud Dancing touched Sully’s arm. “Sully, that is Live in Hopes.”

Sully stood staring at the little boy and he could hardly believe this was the same child he found under No Harm after the Washita massacre. Cloud Dancing continued. “Running Arrow and Little Feather have raised him as their own. He will keep our song alive.”

Sully was moved. Seeing Live in Hopes happy and healthy, and living among his people filled him with an overwhelming sense of peace. He wanted to tell Michaela the little boy was doing fine.

* * *

It was the night of the Sweetheart’s Dance and it seemed the whole town had been going on for weeks about who was going with who and who was wearing what. The evening was clear and there was a chill in the air typical for November. Michaela decided to spend a quiet evening at home with the younger children. As Brian was getting ready for the dance, there was a knock on the door.

“Julie, come in. Thank you so much for doing this,” Brian exclaimed taking her coat and hanging it on the rack.

Julie smiled. “I’m glad to do it Brian. I enjoy spending time with Katie and Josef. They’re such good children.”

Just then Michaela walked into the room. “Julie, what are you doing here?” she asked surprised.

“Julie’s going to watch Katie and Joey while I take you to the Sweetheart’s Dance Ma,” Brian answered in a determined tone of voice.

Michaela looked at her son apprehensively. “Brian, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but I’m not much in the mood for a dance and I’m a mess,” she said running her hands through her hair.

“Ma, you have to go. Come on. It’ll be fun. Now go upstairs and get ready and I won’t take no for an answer.”

Michaela sighed. “Brian, this is very sweet of you, but I can’t,” she stressed hoping he’d understand.

“Ma, you have to get out. It’ll be good for you to see all your friends and have some fun,” he said determinately.

Michaela was touched that Brian had gone to the trouble of arranging this evening for her, but every instinct she had told her to say no. Going to the Sweetheart’s Dance without Sully would remind her of all she was missing. And she would have to endure an evening of answering the town’s questions about when he would be home, questions she didn’t know the answer to herself. Michaela was growing increasingly uneasy about why he wasn’t home yet and why they hadn’t received word from him. Still, she couldn’t disappoint Brian and perhaps it would even be good for her to enjoy an evening out.

“All right Brian, I’ll go upstairs and get ready,” she told him as she headed for the stairs.

Michaela entered her bedroom and looked in her wardrobe. “Now what to wear?” she murmured out loud. “I know,” she exclaimed as she reached for the fancy green dress with the velvet trim Sully gave her for Christmas two years ago. She put on the dress and styled her hair. “I’m going to show everyone I’m fine with Sully being away and I’m confident he’ll be home soon.” As she said those words she felt a knot in the pit of her stomach. Michaela brushed the feeling aside, assured herself she was ready, and descended the stairs.

“Ma, you look beautiful,” Brian said admiring her dress.

“Thank you,” Michaela replied then turned toward the children. “Now you both be good for Julie. We won’t be too late.”

“We’ll be good Mama,” Josef said.

“Have fun,” Katie told her.

Michaela kissed her children goodnight and she and Brian headed toward town to attend the Sweetheart’s dance.

* * *

In town the dance was well underway. The whole town turned out and everyone was dancing and enjoying the festivities. Dorothy was heading over to the dance from the Gazette and she saw Matthew leaving his law office.

“Good evening Matthew. Are you going to the dance?” she asked.

“Good evening Miss Dorothy,” Matthew replied. “Yeah, I’m gonna to pick up Claire right now. She didn’t go last year when the dance came ‘round ‘cause she was still new in town. When we started courtin’ a few months back I promised her I’d take her this year. She’s really lookin’ forward to it so I better hurry.”

“Oh the dance just started, she’ll understand. Is Michaela coming?” Dorothy asked.

“If Brian can convince her, she will. He asked Julie to watch the kids so she’d have no excuses.”

Dorothy noticed the sad look in Matthew’s eyes as he spoke of his mother. “Still no word from Sully?”

“No, nothing.” Matthew shifted his feet. “I don’t understand why he hasn’t sent word. He should know we’d start ta worry!” he said, his voice rising.

“I’m sure he’s all right Matthew, but Michaela must miss him terribly,” Dorothy spoke knowingly.

Matthew nodded. “She acts like everythin’s fine, but I can tell she’s worried. I’d like ta get hold of Sully and knock some sense into him! He shouldn’t be gone so much. It’s not right to do this ta Ma or the kids! I can’t figure how he thinks this’ll do anythin’ but make things worse.” As Matthew spoke to Dorothy he was starting to realize just how angry he was at Sully.

Dorothy put her hand on his shoulder to comfort him. “I’m sure he’ll be home soon Matthew.”

“I hope he’s home by Thanksgiving,” Matthew replied. “Well excuse me Miss Dorothy, I have to go pick up Claire.” As Matthew walked away he almost walked right into Jason Morrison.

“Nice night isn’t it Matthew?” Jason greeted as he stepped out of his way.

Matthew looked at Jason and Ben. “Excuse me. I didn’t see you. Yes it is a nice night. I’m glad you both came out tonight. It’s a good chance to get to know everyone in town.”

“That’s what we thought as well,” Jason agreed.

“Well if you’ll excuse me, I’m late picking up Claire,” Matthew said.

“Go right ahead. You shouldn’t keep a beautiful woman waiting,” Ben teased.

As the men were talking, Brian arrived with Michaela in the wagon. He helped her down, and they headed over to say hello to Dorothy. Hank and Loren watched them arrive and noticed how beautiful Michaela looked this evening. She wore a stunning green dress that they had only ever seen on special occasions and only when accompanied by Sully, and her hair was more elaborately styled than they had seen it in some months.

“Well look at what we got here fellas,” Hank said amused. “Dr. Mike’s lookin’ for some fun tonight.”

“Leave her be Hank,” Loren drawled as he watched Brian start to dance with his mother. “Looks ta me like Brian’s just tryin’ ta cheer her up is all.”

Brian and Michaela danced a couple of reels and Loren danced one with her. Smiling and laughing, she was really enjoying herself. Just as she decided to sit one out, Ben approached.

“Good evening Dr. Mike. You look beautiful tonight,” Ben said shyly, not sure if he should be saying that to a married woman, but he couldn’t help it. She did look beautiful this evening and he wasn’t the only one who had noticed.

Michaela blushed. “Thank you. You look quite fetching yourself,” she replied noticing how attractive Ben was in his suit.

The music started up again. “May I have this dance?” Ben tentatively asked holding out his hand.

“I don’t think it would be proper,” she regretfully declined.

“It’s just a dance. I promise to be a perfect gentleman,” Ben said as he took her hand and led her to the dance floor.

She reluctantly followed. “After all,” she thought, “he was right. It was just a dance.”

As Grace saw Ben and Michaela dancing she turned to Robert E. “I don’t like the look of that.”

“Leave ‘em alone Grace. They’re just dancin’,” Robert E. replied.

“With Sully bein’ away and the way things were between ‘em, well I wouldn’t want her ta do anythin’ foolish,” Grace said worried.

“Dr. Mike wouldn’t do anythin’ foolish,” Robert E. reassured.

As the band started to play the Sweetheart Reel, Michaela motioned to sit down, but Ben stopped her. “This is one of my favorites. You have to dance it with me.”

As the music began to play, all Michaela could think about was that this was their dance – hers and Sully’s. She didn’t want to dance it with another man. But before she could decline, Ben led her back to the dance floor.

“I see Michaela is finally growing tired of the mountain man,” Preston sneered. He turned to Brian. “Where is Sully anyway? Has he grown bored with the happy home life after all?”

Brian tried to ignore Preston’s insults. “He’ll be back soon.”

Preston shook his head. “Let’s hope not. I always knew Michaela could do a lot better and it seems she’s about to do just that.” Preston tipped his hat and walked away.

Loren joined Brian and stood silently watching Michaela and Ben. “Brian, you have to stop her. It ain’t proper. She’s a married woman,” he told Brian indignantly.

“She’s only dancin’ Mr. Bray,” Brian replied. “Besides, I’m glad she’s havin’ fun.”

“It’s one thing ta dance with you or one of us, but it’s quite another to be dancin’ with a stranger,” Loren returned.

“Ben’s not a stranger. He’s our friend,” Brian defended.

“But what about Sully?”

Brian looked at the storekeeper. “You don’t see him here do ya?” he responded testily. “I don’t see any harm in her enjoying a dance. Ben’s just a friend.”

Loren folded his hands in front of his chest. “I don’t care who he is. She shouldn’t be out dancin’ with ‘im. She should be home waitin’ for Sully.”

“She’s not doin’ anything wrong, Mr. Bray.”

When the music stopped, Ben took Michaela’s hand and walked with her to get some lemonade. She enjoyed dancing with Ben. He was very good company and it felt good to be dancing in a man’s arms again. Only those weren’t the arms she longed for. Suddenly feelings of guilt stirred inside her. Was she betraying Sully? She could tell the town’s eyes were on her so she dropped Ben’s hand and continued walking. Ben purchased two lemonades, handed one to Michaela and they stood sipping their drinks in silence.

“I enjoyed the dance tonight,” Ben finally said.

Michaela was startled from her thoughts by his voice. “Yes, it was lovely. I’m glad Brian talked me into going.” She saw Brian heading toward them. “Brian, there you are. I think it’s time to go home.”

“Yeah, I was comin’ to find you,” he said. “Goodnight Ben.”

“Goodnight Brian, Dr. Mike,” Ben replied as he watched Michaela and Brian walk to their wagon.

* * *

“Dorothy, we gotta talk to ya,” Loren said walking into the Gazette with Jake. “I’m sorry Grace, I didn’t know you were here,” Loren remarked upon seeing Grace and Dorothy talking.

“Come on in Loren, Jake. What’s on your mind?” Dorothy asked.

“It’s Dr. Mike. You gotta talk to her,” Loren began. “She shouldn’t be spendin’ so much time with that Ben fella. It’s not right. She’s a married woman,” Loren protested.

“That’s what I been sayin’,” Grace added from across the room.

“Teresa told me she’s seen ‘em ridin’ out of town together. What’s Sully gonna say when he gets home,” Jake supplied.

Dorothy looked at the three of them and sighed. “Why come to me? What do you want me to do?” she asked flustered.

“You’re her best friend. Talk some sense into her,” Loren told her emphatically.

“Michaela’s not doin’ anything wrong. She’s only helpin’ Ben with his research on the Indians. You know how much the Indians mean to Michaela and Sully. I’m glad she’s helpin’ him,” Dorothy stated as she cleaned her printing press.

“You are?” Jake was astonished.

Dorothy nodded. “I think Ben’s work will do a lot of good. I’m helpin’ him too.”

“Yeah, but you’re not havin’ lunch with ‘im all the time and ridin’ out of town with ‘im,” Loren added disapprovingly.

“She’s showin’ him where the Indian villages were. She can’t very well do that in the clinic,” Dorothy answered defensively.

Grace stepped closer to Dorothy. “We all seen how things were between Dr. Mike and Sully ‘fore he left. And now, with him bein’ gone so long, she’s got to be lonely. It’s natural for her to want to spend time with someone like Ben. It would kind of remind her of Sully,” Grace paused hoping Dorothy would understand their worry. “It would be easy for someone like Ben to be attracted to her.”

“She and Sully started the same way ya know,” Jake contributed.

“Don’t they have enough problems without Ben complicatin’ things,” Loren added.

“Michaela loves Sully and she’s married. You know what those marriage vows mean to her! She’s not gonna do anything she shouldn’t!” Dorothy did see a potential problem, however. “But you’re right. Ben could misunderstand her offer of friendship. Things could get awkward.” Dorothy thought for a few moments. “All right I’ll talk to her, but I’m not gonna tell her to stop helpin’ Ben. I’m only gonna suggest that maybe she shouldn’t do more than that with him,” she stated firmly.

“Thank you Dorothy,” Grace said. Loren and Jake nodded their goodbyes and left the Gazette office.

* * *

Sully couldn’t sleep. He opened the flap of the tepee. It was a crisp, clear November night and he headed toward the stream to think. On the way he passed a group of braves drinking and playing cards. He nodded at them, but instead of returning his greeting, they hurled insults at him as he passed. Growing more uncomfortable, Sully continued walking toward the stream. He sat on a rock staring into the night, lost in thought.

The past years have done much to turn the Indians against the white man. Sully couldn’t blame them. Years of being hunted and killed by the Army and made to abandon their way of life had changed the tribe. The remaining Cheyenne saw all white men as the same, just as the townspeople in Colorado Springs saw all Indians as Dog Soldiers trying to kill them. They couldn’t see Sully as anything more than a white man. He knew remaining in the village was making it difficult for Cloud Dancing.

“Maybe comin’ here was a mistake,” he thought. Visiting with Cloud Dancing was good and seeing Live in Hopes alive and thriving was renewing his hope. Still, only a few of the other Indians spoke to him. Sully realized he’d never again have the sense of belonging with the Cheyenne as he had with Black Kettle’s village. Too much had changed for him to ever get that back. As he stared into the night, he thought about how much he tried to prevent this from happening. It seemed whatever he did to help the Indians, it was never enough compared to what the Army was doing to destroy them. While he had prevented many Indians from starving and dying, some of whom were still alive, many others had been killed at Washita, Little Big Horn, and most recently Fort Robinson. Michaela always told him to be grateful for the small successes. But how could he feel satisfaction in saving one life when hundreds of others were killed?

Sully was startled out of his thoughts by approaching footsteps. All of a sudden three Cheyenne men lunged toward him smelling of alcohol and tobacco. Their drunken state made it easier for Sully to dodge them, but it was still three against one. One man hit him in the mouth. Another threw a punch to his ribs and he doubled over wincing in pain. With Sully down, one pinned him with his foot while the other two punched him until he lay motionless on the ground. Slowly Sully regained consciousness. He was in terrible pain. His lip was bleeding and he thought a rib was broken. As he started to crawl back to the tepee Cloud Dancing appeared.

“Sully, what happened?”

“Some braves jumped me,” he replied breathing heavily.

“Were they drunk?” Cloud Dancing asked knowingly.

“Yeah,” Sully choked out in pain.

Cloud Dancing bent down to help Sully up. “Most of the young ones do not listen to the elders anymore. They have let the crazy water dull the spirits. Let me get you back to my lodge to treat your wounds. Can you walk?” Sully nodded and Cloud Dancing helped him back to the tepee.

“They’re not gonna accept me are they?” Sully asked as Cloud Dancing tended to his wounds.

Cloud Dancing looked at Sully, sorry for what he was about to tell him. “No. I tried to warn you, but it seems you do not listen to me either these days. My people have seen much death at the hand of the white man.”

Sully was overcome with emotion. “I wish we could have done something to prevent this.”

Cloud Dancing nodded. “I have wished for this until it consumed my every thought, but now I have come to accept that there was nothing we could have done. You must learn to accept this too.”

Sully was despondent. “I don’t know what to do Cloud Dancin’. I don’t belong with the Cheyenne anymore, and I sure don’t belong with the railroad and the lumber mills. I’m not even sure I belong in Colorado Springs. I don’t know why I’m here, what my purpose is supposed ta be.”

Cloud Dancing’s heart was heavy at seeing his brother in so much pain. “You need to seek guidance from the spirits.”

Sully sighed heavily. “I haven’t been able to hear the spirits lately.”

“Then you are not listening. Just as you have stopped listening to Michaela and even me,” he told him.

“I’m listenin’ to ya.”

“No. You hear, but you do not listen,” Cloud Dancing told him. “You will go to the Black Hills for a vision quest. Stay there until you have received guidance from the spirits.”

“Why the Black Hills?” Sully asked.

“The spirits have told me that is where you will find the answers you seek.”

For the next three days Sully recovered from his injuries. He spent time with Cloud Dancing talking about all the changes they had endured and trying to figure out the direction of his life. In this time together Sully came to realize that Cloud Dancing was at peace with his life. Sully only hoped that he too could feel the same way again soon. When Sully was fully healed he would head to the Black Hills for his vision quest.

At dawn on the fourth day, the sun was just peeking over the mountains when Cloud Dancing stepped out of his tepee and saw Sully tying his bag to his horse.

“You are leaving early,” Cloud Dancing said.

“I wanted ta get an early start, but I was gonna say goodbye ‘fore I left,” Sully replied walking over to Cloud Dancing to embrace his brother.

When they separated, Cloud Dancing looked at Sully. “Trust the spirits. They will help you find you way.”

“I hope so.” Sully mounted his horse and turned once more to Cloud Dancing. “I’m not sure when I’ll see ya again.”

Cloud Dancing nodded. “We will see each other again, of that I am certain.”

Sully nodded and rode off into the hills.

* * *

“Michaela, I’m glad you’re here. I wanted to speak with you,” Dorothy said nervously seeing Michaela at the mercantile.

“Certainly Dorothy. What’s on your mind?” Michaela asked as she paid for her purchases.

Loren nodded his approval to Dorothy and she continued. “Are you heading to the clinic? I can walk with you.”

“No. I’ve finished at the clinic for today. I’m going to pick Katie and Josef up from school,” Michaela responded. “You can walk with me there.”

Michaela and Dorothy started walking toward the school. “Finished at the clinic! Well, this certainly is a change. You mean to tell me you have the rest of the afternoon free to spend with your children?” Dorothy was delighted.

Michaela smiled. “Yes. We’re going to start teaching Katie how to ride a horse. Sully said something to her about teaching her to ride when she turned eight or nine and she keeps reminding us that she’ll be nine in May. Robert E. has a small horse at the livery and Matthew thought it would be perfect to start Katie on. We’re borrowing it for the afternoon,” she said full of excitement.

“I gather Dr. Morrison is working out well,” Dorothy grinned.

“Yes. He’s wonderful. Now that I’ve taken on a partner, I honestly don’t know how I managed without one,” Michaela remarked as they continued to walk.

“As I recall, you managed with some difficulty,” she reminded her.

“You’re right. What did you need to speak to me about Dorothy?”

Dorothy hadn’t seen Michaela look this rested and relaxed in a long time and she dreaded what she was about to say. “Michaela, please don’t take this the wrong way,” she hesitantly began. “Do you think it’s such a good idea for you to be spending so much time with Ben Morrison?”

Michaela was shocked. She stopped walking and turned to face Dorothy. “What do you mean? I’m not spending so much time with him. I’m helping him with his research, that’s all,” Michaela snapped defensively.

“I know you are, but you’re also having lunch with him, inviting him to picnics with the family and having him over for supper at the homestead,” Dorothy said ardently.

“I invite Jason as well, but he’s not as available. They don’t know anyone here. Jason’s my partner and I want to be sociable,” she explained.

“I know you do. It’s just…well…Sully’s been away a long time and it’s natural for you to be feeling lonely. It’s understandable for you to want to spend time with someone like Ben. I know you might need a friend right now, but it can get complicated when that friend is a man,” Dorothy patiently told her.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re a very beautiful woman Michaela and with you and Ben spending so much time together…well, it would be easy for him to…well…uhhh…become attracted to you as more than a friend.”

“Dorothy, Ben knows I’m married and he would never do anything inappropriate. We’re just friends and the truth is I enjoy his friendship right now. I appreciate your concern, but I’m fine. I’m not lonely and I don’t need anyone worrying about me,” Michaela finished defensively.

“Michaela, you of all people should know that friendship between a man and a woman can turn into something more before either one of them knows what’s happened. Just be careful,” Dorothy warned.

“There’s nothing to worry about Dorothy,” Michaela adamantly assured and continued toward the schoolhouse alone.

Chapter Nine

“Everything looks wonderful Grace,” Michaela exclaimed as she arrived with Brian, Katie and Josef to the Thanksgiving celebration. The tables were covered with white tablecloths and gourds were placed on every table to celebrate the bounty of the harvest. Paper cut-out turkeys and pilgrims were hanging all around the café, prepared by the children of the town.

“Look Mama, my turkey,” Josef said pointing to the turkey he had made for the celebration.

Grace smiled down at the boy and ruffled his honey brown hair. “That’s a mighty fine turkey Josef.” The little boy grinned at Grace and shyly hid behind his mother’s skirts.

Michaela took Katie and Josef by the hand. “I better get everyone seated. We’re expecting a large group at our table this year.”

“Papa’s comin’ home,” Katie announced smiling up at Grace. “He wouldn’t miss Thanksgiving.”

Grace nervously looked at Michaela, her eyebrows raised. Michaela took a deep breath and knelt down to face her daughter. “Katie, I hope Papa comes home today too, but we can’t be certain he will.” She lovingly stroked her blond curls. “Montana is very far and the weather is much worse than here in Colorado. I know your father would like to be with us on Thanksgiving,” she reassured her daughter. Taking her hand they headed to their table at the café.

Jason and Ben were already seated at the table. Seeing Michaela and the children, Ben stood to pull out her chair. Michaela smiled and sat down with Katie and Josef on either side of her. Ben sat next to Josef with Jason next to him and Brian sat next to Katie. Matthew and Claire walked over and sat down across from Michaela.

“Thank you for inviting us, Dr. Mike,” Jason began earnestly. “Thanksgiving is a family holiday and I find I’m missing my family today. Thank you for letting us share it with yours.”

“Yes, thank you,” echoed Ben.

“You’re very welcome. I remember my first Thanksgiving away from my family,” she replied. “It can be lonely.” She stared off into the distance thinking about how lonely she was now without Sully.

“Miss Grace really went all out this year,” Matthew remarked admiring the elegant dishes.

Michaela looked around at the tablecloths and the fine china. “I think it’s in honor of the new addition to her café. Matthew, have you taken Claire there yet?” she gently prodded.

Matthew reddened. “Not yet. I’m thinkin’ ‘bout it,” he admitted reaching for Claire’s hand.

Claire chuckled and squeezed his hand. “I’m afraid Matthew doesn’t care much for fancy meals.”

“That’s true,” Michaela weighed in. “I remember he wasn’t particularly fond of one of the finest restaurants in Boston.” She gave her son a wry smile.

“You know, Matthew, sometimes a romantic supper can win a woman’s heart,” Ben contended quickly glancing at Michaela.

“He’s already won my heart, Mr. Morrison,” Claire ardently replied smiling at Matthew.

Everyone laughed and Matthew looked down at his plate, his face red from embarrassment.

“Happy Thanksgiving Reverend,” Michaela called as she spotted Reverend Johnson enter the café with Loren. “And you too Loren.”

“Happy Thanksgiving Dr. Mike,” Reverend Johnson greeted as he took his seat at a nearby table.

“Happy Thanksgiving Dr. Mike, Dr. Morrison,” Loren responded. “Josef, that was a fine turkey you made.”

“Thank you Mr. Bray,” Josef beamed.

Michaela noticed that none of the townspeople asked about Sully anymore. As much as she dreaded the endless questions and well-meaning reassurances, the silence was worse.

The Thanksgiving meal was sumptuous. There was the traditional turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce, along with mashed potatoes, creamed spinach, creamed onions, and corn and Grace made her famous cornbread. When everyone had finished eating their supper, Ben and Jason rose to bring dessert for everyone. They brought several pieces of pumpkin, apple, and pecan pie.

“Katie, ya never told me what you wrote for your favorite Thanksgiving,” Brian said putting his arm around her shoulder.

Katie smiled. “I wrote about how Papa and me went to the woods to get a turkey and we walked real quiet and then he sees one and then we bring it home. Papa cleaned the turkey and then we had a big meal at home with everyone,” she told him enthusiastically.

“Katie wrote it all herself. I only had to correct two misspelled words,” Michaela stated proudly taking a bite of pecan pie.

“I got an A and Mrs. Slicker said it was descrip…,” Katie looked at her mother for help.

“Descriptive,” Michaela supplied. “That means she could see exactly what you did from the way you wrote it.”

“Maybe you’ll be a writer like your brother when you grow up,” Ben told her taking another sip of coffee.

“I remember going with Pa hunting for turkey,” Brian fondly recalled. “When I was only a little older than you Katie, I tried to go out alone for one when Ma and Pa were late comin’ home for Thanksgiving, but Cloud Dancing helped me get one. Remember me telling you about that when you got home Ma?”

“I do,” she said recalling the story. “Sully and I thought we might not arrive home in time for Thanksgiving that year.”

“You went all by yourself?” Katie asked disbelieving.

“Yep, all by myself.” Brian reiterated. “I didn’t have any luck, though, until I went with Cloud Dancing. Ma, which was your favorite Thanksgiving?” Brian asked curious.

Michaela looked up at the sky, pondering her response. “I don’t know Brian. I’ve had so many wonderful Thanksgivings.”

“If ya had to pick one,” he pressed.

“My favorite? Well…it would have to be the Thanksgiving at the reservation when I found out I was expecting Katie,” she replied whimsically recalling the memory. “But they’ve all be wonderful.”

“That was a good one,” Brian agreed.

“Katie, I think you’re the first little girl I’ve met who likes hunting,” Ben remarked before taking a bite of apple pie.

“I don’t like huntin’. I like huntin’ with Papa,” she clarified. “We use a bow and arrow like the Indians. Papa doesn’t use a gun.”

“Could you show me how to use a bow and arrow, Katie?” Ben asked.

Katie thought for a moment. “Okay, but I’m not too good. We should bring Brian too.”

“Michaela, why don’t we all go for a walk tomorrow to the old reservation and the kids can teach me how to use a bow and arrow?” Ben tentatively suggested.

For the past few days, Michaela had been wondering if her friends were right. Should she be spending so much time with Ben? What would Sully think? Michaela was sure if Sully were here, they’d all be spending time with Ben. “Sully would like Ben,” she thought. “Sully’s not here and I haven’t done anything wrong,” she told herself. “But was Dorothy right? Was it wrong for a married woman to be friends with another man? Remember what happened with Daniel.”

Michaela took a deep breath. “We can’t.”

“Why not?” he asked curious.

“Uh…because,” Michaela tried to think. “We’re busy tomorrow,” she hurriedly forced out.

Ben was hurt Michaela turned him down. It wasn’t so much that she wouldn’t go; after all she had her own life. It bothered him that she was so curt and evasive, as if he were a complete stranger. He thought they were friends, good friends in fact. Ben stirred his coffee, looking down at the table, unsure why it upset him so much.

* * *

Sully rode to the Black Hills feeling lost and confused. The rejection by the Cheyenne was so unexpected that it filled him with deep despair. He had hoped to find peace and acceptance with his Indian family, but instead they had shunned him. This rejection left him feeling completely alone and even more in doubt about his place in the world. He was glad Cloud Dancing had found peace with his people, but Sully couldn’t bear to watch what was happening to the Cheyenne and he didn’t understand how his brother could accept being able to do so little. Still he couldn’t deny that Cloud Dancing had found his path and was content with his life. His brother’s words were playing over and over again in his head. “Focus on your successes, not your failures.” As much as he tried to find his successes, all he could see were his failures. Sully didn’t find the answers he was searching for at the reservation. If anything he felt lost more now than ever.

Too tired to continue riding, he decided to make camp for the night. After tying his horse to a tree, making a fire, and preparing supper, he rolled over, uncertain he would get any sleep at all. Sleep did not come easily as he tossed and turned on the hard ground trying to ease his troubled mind. A long while later, Sully finally drifted off to a restless sleep.

He awoke a short time later and stared up at the night sky unable to go back to sleep. As he did on many nights since he had left home, he dreamed about Michaela and the children. Usually his dreams were of the past and how happy they all once were. Some dreams were of the present and how everything had fallen apart. On this night the images in his dream were unfamiliar. He dreamed Michaela and the children were flying a kite in the meadow. They were laughing and smiling and having a wonderful time together. In his dream Michaela looked more relaxed and happy than he had seen her in a while. Sully smiled as he recalled the dream until he realized he wasn’t a part of it. Somewhere inside he felt that this was a dream of the present. A dream of how Michaela and the children were without him in their lives. They were happy. All Sully ever wanted was for his family to be happy and now they were. As much as he wished it weren’t true, the dream only reinforced what he had been thinking all along, that everyone would be better off without him. In the morning he would continue to the Black Hills for his vision quest, frightened about what the future might hold.

* * *

“…Happy Birthday to Josef, Happy Birthday to you,” everyone sang as Michaela brought out the cake. The family was gathered at the homestead for Josef’s fifth birthday. Robert E. and Grace came with their two children along with Jake’s son Luke, and Dorothy and Loren were there as well. They had not seen much of Michaela since Thanksgiving and were glad she had invited them to the birthday party.

Josef was smiling and giggling when Michaela placed the cake in front of him. “Now make a wish and blow out the candles,” she told him. Josef looked up to the ceiling and wished with all his might that his Papa would be home soon, that he’d even be home for Christmas. He closed his eyes and blew as hard as he could until all the candles were out. Josef was satisfied. “Now my wish will come true.”

“Wha’d ya wish for Joey?” Brian asked poking him in the ribs.

Josef looked at his brother and shook his head. “Can’t tell or it won’t come true.”

Everyone laughed at the seriousness of the little boy and Michaela began cutting the cake. After everyone had a piece, they all moved into the living room to open presents. As Josef was opening his gifts, Michaela heard someone approaching the homestead.

“Sully, you’re home,” she thought. She quickly stood to open the door, a broad smile on her face. “Sully,” she called out, but instead Jason and Ben stood in the doorway. Michaela’s heart sank. “Oh, come in,” she stammered.

“We heard there was a birthday boy here. We have something for him,” Ben said holding a package under his arm.

“Yes, that’s very kind of you,” she replied trying to hide her disappointment. “Josef will be glad you’re here. Would you like some cake and coffee?”

“Yes, thank you, we’d like that,” Jason replied taking a seat in the living room.

Michaela walked to the kitchen to get the cake and coffee and Ben followed her. “Sorry to disappointment you,” he whispered brushing against her arm.

Michaela was flustered. “What do you mean?”

“You were expecting someone else when you opened the door,” he contended gently touching her shoulder with concern.

Michaela looked away and placed two pieces of cake on the plates. “No, I wasn’t expecting anyone else. Just hoping I suppose,” she murmured in a soft voice. She handed Ben the plates and she picked up the coffee cups. “Would you help me bring these into the other room?”

Just as he and Michaela entered the living room with the cake and coffee, Josef was opening the present from Jason and Ben. As Josef ripped away the fine paper, his eyes grew wide with excitement. Inside was an elegant replica train the likes of which could only come from one of the finest toy stores in New York. Josef hugged Jason then Ben while Katie came over to examine the gift. Even Brian was impressed with the realistic details on the train.

Michaela leaned into Ben and whispered in his ear. “You shouldn’t have. It’s too much,” she gently chastised.

“Nonsense Dr. Mike, you’re only five once,” Ben said, his eyes sparkling, pleased that his gift had been such a hit with the boy and the rest of the family.

Michaela turned to Josef. “I expect you to play carefully with that train young man. It’s not to be tossed around like your wooden ones.”

“I will Mama,” Josef vowed rubbing his hands over the intricate details on the train.

The evening was a joyous one. The children played with Josef’s new toys. Brian and Loren played their harmonicas and everyone sang songs. Michaela hadn’t remembered an evening like this in a long time.

Michaela watched how good Ben and Jason were with the children. Over the past few days she had been thinking about her friendship with Ben. Despite the warnings of her friends, she knew they weren’t doing anything wrong. She enjoyed his company and wanted to help him with his research. On several occasions she even asked herself how she would feel if the situation was reversed, and she assured herself that her days of fear and jealously were behind her. She trusted Sully and knew he would never betray her, and he trusted her. Nothing and no one was going to change her love for her husband or their trust in each other. With her guilt assuaged, she was determined to continue to remain friends with Ben.

“Goodnight, Dr. Mike,” Jason said as he and Ben were leaving.

“Goodnight Jason, Ben,” Michaela replied. “Oh, how would you both like to join the children and I tomorrow for a walk? They can teach you how to use a bow and arrow?” she asked with a smile on her face.

“I’d like that Dr. Mike, but I have a surgical procedure on Monday that I need to prepare for,” Jason replied.

Ben smiled broadly. “I’d like to go.”

“Good. We’ll leave after church tomorrow,” Michaela confirmed.

By the time the guests left, Katie was asleep by the fire and Josef’s eyes were drooping.

Brian started to clean up the mess from the party and turned to his mother. “Ma, why don’t you take them up to bed. I’ll clean up down here,” he offered earnestly.

“Thank you Brian. I don’t know what I would have done without you all these weeks,” Michaela said wearily.

“It’s nothin Ma. I’m glad to help.”

Michaela picked up a sleeping Katie and took Josef’s hand and walked upstairs to put them to sleep. She placed Katie under the covers, careful not to wake her. Then she walked toward Josef’s room and sat him on the bed.

“Did you have a good day sweetheart?” Michaela asked as she began changing him into his pajamas.

“Yeah,” he said looking up at her with his deep blue eyes. “Only…”

“Only what?”

“Only, I wish Papa was here.” Tears welled up in the little boy’s eyes.

Michaela cupped his face in her hands. “I know you do.” She put her arms around him. “So do I.”

Josef wrapped his arms around his mother’s neck and cried in her arms. “Why has Papa not come home, Mama? Why he don’t love us?”

Michaela stroked his hair. “Your father loves you very much. Never doubt that Josef,” his mother told him as she tried to comfort him.

“Was I bad?” he choked out as he continued to cry.

Michaela hugged him even tighter and rocked him. Her heart was breaking, evermore so at seeing Josef’s breaking too and her eyes welled up with tears. “Josef don’t ever think that. You did nothing wrong! You are such a good boy, the best son we could ever hope for, and you could never do anything to make us not love you. Your father loves you very much. Sometimes he can’t be with us, but I’m sure he’s thinking about you today and wishing he could be here to celebrate your birthday with you.”

“Ya think so?” Josef’s crying was subsiding. Exhausted from crying and from the excitement of his birthday party, he was starting to fall asleep.

“I know so, sweetheart,” she said gently rubbing his back. “Now lie down and get some rest.” Michaela sat on the edge of Josef’s bed a little longer and waited until he fell asleep. As she rose to leave the room, she lingered a while longer in the doorway gazing at her peacefully sleeping son. Her heart ached at how much Sully’s absence was affecting the children. They missed him and needed him so much. It wasn’t like him to completely miss one of their birthdays. How could he hurt Josef like this? What could be keeping him from coming home?

Michaela left Josef’s room, entered her bedroom and quickly changed into her nightgown and began brushing her hair. She loved it when Sully brushed her hair, but that part of their nightly ritual had been missing for some time now. Tears welled up in her eyes as she thought back to earlier this evening when she thought Sully had come home. The disappointment she felt was overwhelming. Michaela couldn’t deny she was worried. Something was wrong…something was very wrong. She walked over to the dresser and picked up her wedding picture. With tears streaming down her face she closed her eyes in concentration trying to focus on Sully and where he might be at this moment and if he was all right. Their powerful connection had led her to him before. Surely it would help her now. She waited, and nothing. No sign, no clue about what was going on. She opened her eyes. “Why aren’t you home by now?” she cried to the picture as her fingers traced his features in the photograph. There was still no sign. Feeling distraught she cried out to him, “Oh Sully! Please come home! I miss you so much.”

Why wouldn’t Sully be home yet? “Perhaps he’s hurt and unable to get word to us? But, I should know if he’s hurt. I should be able to feel it.” Michaela’s eyes saddened as she realized she couldn’t count on those feelings anymore. Their spirits were no longer in tune with one another. “I have to find him. But, where would I begin to look for him?” Michaela’s mind was racing with questions. “Tomorrow I’ll talk to Matthew. We have to find out if he’s all right.” Michaela crawled into bed and turned down the lamp resolved that she would not sit idly by while her husband and her marriage slipped away. Through her determination to find an answer, she felt stronger than she had in weeks. She had a plan and was going to take action.

* * *

Michaela knocked on the door of Matthew’s law practice. She was so proud that Matthew had found what he wanted to do with his life and was being relied on by everyone in town for his expertise.

“Come in,” Matthew called out.

Michaela opened the door and entered. Matthew was at his desk, hunched over a stack of papers. “I can come back later if you’re too busy,” she told him.

Matthew put the papers down. “No, come in. Is anything wrong?” he asked worried.

Michaela sighed. “I believe we should go look for Sully,” she began ardently. “It’s been far too long without word and I think he may be hurt. He may need my help,” she explained, her eyes searching his for understanding.

“Dr. Mike, we can’t go after Sully,” Matthew replied.

“Please Matthew,” she begged taking a seat across from him.

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” he began. “It’s just that we don’t know which way he went to Montana. The territory’s large, and there’s lots of ways ta get there. We’d never find him and with winter comin’ it wouldn’t be safe. I’m sorry Dr. Mike. I know how much this means to you.”

Michaela leaned closer to him. “Matthew, what if he’s hurt, or worse?” she whispered, frightened at the very thought of Sully in danger. “What if he’s laying in a clinic somewhere, unconscious and no one knows who he is? I can’t sit here and do nothing.”

“If he made it to the reservation, Cloud Dancing would have sent word if there was a problem, and if he didn’t, we don’t know where to look,” Matthew repeated hoping she would understand.

“I need to find him Matthew,” she finally said as her voice was faltering and her composure as well.

“I’ll tell ya what,” Matthew said, forming an idea in his head, We’ll wire the towns between here and the reservation and if anyone sees him, they can send word.”

Michaela’s face calmed a little. “And I’ll wire the doctors. If he was hurt and someone found him, they’d take him to a doctor,” she assumed. “We’ll have to wire a description of him.”

“Ma, this is all we can do for now. If we hear back…if anyone’s seen him, I promise we’ll go then,” he assured taking her hand.

“Thank you Matthew. Let’s go send those telegrams.”

Chapter Ten

“This is hard,” Ben told Brian and Katie after the arrow fell on the ground for the sixth time.

“You’re not holdin’ it right,” Katie informed him. “I’ll show ya. You have ta hold the arrow here with these fingers,” she said pointing to the correct fingers on her hand.

Ben looked over at Michaela. “I’m being shown up by an eight year old. A girl no less,” he remarked trying to follow her instructions.

“Don’t feel bad. Katie’s been using a bow and arrow since she was four,” Michaela told him.

“Four!” Ben was amazed. “What have you used it for Katie?”

“Just for fun,” she replied. “I’m not so good at aimin’ it and it doesn’t go very far.”

“Katie’s just not strong enough yet. She’s real good with it for her age,” Brian added. He stepped over to Ben to demonstrate how to hold his arms and hands then offered it to Ben to try himself. “Now, pull back,” Brian instructed, guiding Ben’s thumb behind his jaw bone and straightening his arm so that the arrow was perpendicular to the ground. “Release the arrow slowly. I’ll help ya so you can get the feel of it. Remember to open your fingers when you let go. This bow is old and not as good as Pa’s other one, but he’s got that one with him.”

With the string pulled and Brian’s fingers over Ben’s, together they let go. “I did it,” Ben exclaimed as he watched the arrow fly a few feet, but miss the target they had posted on a tree.

“Well, not quite,” Michaela playfully replied.

“Now do you feel how it’s supposed to be done at least?” Brian asked

“I think so. Let’s get the arrow and try again,” he suggested.

Ben practiced shooting the arrow several more times and while he got close once, he never hit the target. Brian and Katie each had a turn and together Brian and Ben helped Josef try to use it. Josef grew discouraged at his inability to keep the arrow from falling to the ground.

“It’s okay, Josef. You saw how bad I was and I’m a lot bigger and stronger than you,” Ben comforted.

“Why don’t we stop for a little while and have some lunch,” Michaela suggested taking out the picnic basket.

Michaela placed a blanket on the ground and Brian, Katie and Josef sat down. Ben sat next to Michaela as she opened the picnic basket and brought out lunch.

“Brian, I know why the Indians used bows and arrows, but why does your father continue to use one when a gun is so much easier to hunt with?” Ben asked over lunch.

“After being in the Army, Pa never wanted to use a gun again. He also believes no part of an animal should go to waste. When you use a gun, sure the animal’s dead and you have food, but the damage is bigger. With a bow and arrow, the wound is small. That way, the animal provides food, clothing, and in some cases shelter,” Brian told him, proud of all Sully had taught him.

“I never thought of that,” Ben remarked. “But it makes sense.”

“Hey Katie, what do ya say we teach Ben how to throw a tomahawk next?” Brian stated jokingly.

“Tomahawk? You know how to throw a tomahawk, Katie?” Ben couldn’t believe it.

“No silly,” she giggled. “I’m too little.”

Brian and Michaela laughed at Ben. He turned red from embarrassment for having fallen for Brian’s ruse.

Michaela watched her children in awe. She wished Sully could be here to see the influence he’s had on Brian and how much Katie and Josef were learning from him. She’d like to record this day and tell him all about it when he gets home. Michaela was proud they were raising children who, like their father, would respect the land and its people.

“Ma, I’m gonna take Katie and Josef to the creek, okay,” Brian offered. He knew how much they liked to throw rocks into the creek and watch the ripples on the water.

“All right, but don’t stay down there too long,” she responded. “We have to head home soon.” Then Michaela watched her children run off together toward the creek.

“You have great kids,” Ben stated sincerely.

“Thank you. You’re very good with children you know,” she told him as she lifted the pie out of the picnic basket.

Ben shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. Rose always teased me about being too serious. She wondered if I could relate to children on their level,” he shyly admitted. Ben leaned over to cut a piece of apple pie.

“Do you want children someday?” Michaela asked tentatively.

“Very much. Rose would have been a wonderful mother. She was caring and compassionate.” His eyes saddened at the memory. “She was also fun loving. She knew how to get me to relax and have fun. I could easily get too absorbed in my research,” he told her. Ben cut a piece of pie for Michaela, brushing her hand accidentally when he gave it to her. For a moment their eyes met and there was an awkward silence. Michaela quickly picked up her fork and began to eat the pie while staring down at the blanket.

“Sully does that for me,” Michaela nervously affirmed. “If I’m getting too caught up in my work, he’d get me away from the clinic for a picnic or a walk in the woods. He could always get me to relax.”

“It’s obvious he’s great with the kids. They adore him and it’s clear they spend a lot of time together,” Ben spoke with admiration.

“Oh, he is!” Michaela agreed. “He’s so patient with the children, answering their questions and taking them fishing, for walks in the woods, and hunting. They spend a lot of time together. I don’t think anyone could set a better example for the children. Sully’s the most honest, principled, and kindest man I’ve ever known.” She spoke from her heart, a heart that now ached from how much she missed him.

Ben was moved by her obvious love for her husband. “How long have you been married?”

“It will be ten years in May,” she responded, her heart breaking at the thought of how far apart they were right now after they had come so far together.

Ben saw the sadness in her eyes and the longing in her voice when she spoke of her husband. “I can tell how much you miss him. Do you know when he’ll be back?” he asked in part with sympathy and in part from an intense curiosity.

Michaela didn’t know what to say. “No.” She looked down. “He’s visiting a very dear friend who he hasn’t seen in several years so I imagine he’ll want to spend some time with him. I had hoped he’d be home for Thanksgiving and then for Josef’s birthday. I was disappointed when he wasn’t. Now I hope he makes it home in time for Christmas.” She returned the food to the picnic basket.

“I hope so too,” Ben stated, eyeing Michaela carefully and trying to think of what he could say to comfort her. “You know it’s hard to travel between here and Montana this time of year. He could be facing some terrible weather. That could slow him down.” Ben found himself making excuses for a man he had never met. Anything to help ease her pain which was far more obvious to him than she believed she was letting on. “The trails are difficult through the mountains and he might have taken a longer route to find food. It’s scarce this time of year.”

“I’ve worried about the conditions,” she admitted staring off in the direction of the mountains.

Ben decided to change the subject to take her mind off her worries. “Michaela’s a very beautiful name,” Ben commented. “Is it a family name?”

Michaela chuckled. “Oh no. My father was expecting a son since he already had four daughters. He picked out the name Michael, and Michaela was a compromise. It’s unusual, but I’m very fond of it,” she told him.

“It suits you. Would you mind if I called you Michaela?” As soon as the words left his mouth, Ben wasn’t sure why he wanted to call her Michaela now. He didn’t know why it mattered what he called her, but there was something feminine and lyrical about the name that fit her better than Dr. Mike.

“I’d like that,” she replied looking him in the eyes. Ben held her gaze unable to look away.

* * *

“When are ya goin’ back ta Boston?” Matthew asked his brother while they were doing the chores at the homestead.

“I’m not. I wanna stay here,” Brian said raking the stalls. “Ben sent some of my articles to his father so maybe I can write from here and still get published in some of the big papers back east.”

“Brian, don’t stay ‘cause a Sully. I can look out for Ma and the kids,” he assured.

Brian added more hay to the stall. “It’s not just Sully. I realize I want to be here. I missed everyone too much.”

Matthew continued to brush the horses. “Do ya think you can become a great reporter here? Aren’t ya givin’ up opportunities?”

Brian chuckled. “I don’t have to be a great reporter. I just wanna write, and the way I see it, there’s news no matter where ya live,” he responded.

“Well, if you’re sure, why don’t ya think about movin’ in with me? I got the room and ‘sides it’d be fun,” Matthew added.

Brian looked at him. “It would.” Then he shook his head. “But I can’t. I have to stay here and help with the homestead and with Katie and Josef.” When they finished in the barn they walked over to the edge of the property to repair a fence.

“You can still help without livin’ here. I do,” Matthew pointed out. He held a post in place for Brian to hammer.

“I know, but I think Ma needs me here.” He hesitated and put down the hammer. “She’s real upset about Sully. She’s stopped goin’ to the sewin’ circle and havin’ lunch with Miss Dorothy, and she doesn’t know I know, but I hear her crying herself to sleep most nights,” Brian told his brother. “Sometimes I see her sittin’ and starin’ into the fire, her mind a million miles away. She doesn’t even know I’m in the room. I heard her say ‘where are you Sully? Please come home. I need you.’ It’s like she’s talkin’ ta him Matthew. I heard her!”

Matthew shifted uncomfortably. “I didn’t know it was that bad.”

“It’s gettin’ worse the longer he’s gone,” Brian supplied. “She’s real worried.”

“How are the kids?” Matthew asked concerned.

“They’re okay. They miss him, but Ma keeps reassuring them. She tells them he loves them and that he’ll be home soon.” He walked closer to his brother. “Matthew, do you think Sully’s hurt and he can’t contact us?”

Matthew stilled his hammer. “I thought of that. So has Dr. Mike. She came to see me a few days ago. We sent wires to the doctors and the sheriffs in the towns along the way with a description of Sully in case he’s hurt and ends up in one of ‘em,” Matthew informed him. “We’ll have ta wait and see if we hear anythin’. But so far, nothing yet.”

“Maybe someone will get word to us. What could be keeping him away for so long?” Brian asked anxiously.

“I don’t know Brian. I thought Sully just needed to go off by himself to think, but he’s been gone a long time and there’s been no word. If things weren’t so bad between them before he left, I’d be sure he was hurt. Now I’m not sure what’s goin’ on,” he said as his voice reflected sadness.

Brian shook his head. “Sully would never just leave. It doesn’t make sense.”

“Yeah, I don’t think so either, but why hasn’t he sent word?” Matthew asked.

“Maybe he can’t,” Brian supplied.

“Let’s just hope he’s home by Christmas for Ma’s sake,” he said worriedly.

“He better be. I’m really worried about her. I don’t know what she’ll do if he’s not home by Christmas.” Brian’s voice was breaking at the thought of how his family was suffering. “And I really don’t wanna see Katie and Josef on Christmas morning if he’s not home.”

“Let’s hope we don’t have to.” Matthew banged the last nail in the fence post. “Now what about Anna? Are ya just gonna leave her in Boston?” Matthew joked.

“No, I’ve asked her to come out for a visit after Christmas. Maybe she’ll like it here and wanna stay,” he hoped.

“Or maybe you’ll change your mind once ya see her,” he suggested, grinning.

“What about you and Claire? Are ya gonna marry her?” Brian asked.

Matthew looked down. “I don’t know. I love her, but I ain’t had the easiest time with women. I need to give it more time before I think about marriage.” He paused. “I mean, if Dr. Mike and Sully are havin’ problems, maybe it’s too hard.”

“Yeah,” Brian agreed. “I know what ya mean.”

* * *

Two days passed since Sully began his vision quest. They were two days and three bitterly cold nights out in the open waiting for guidance from the spirits. Wrapping his buckskin jacket securely around him for warmth, he silently thanked the spirits it wasn’t snowing. Sitting crossed legged with his hands on his knees and his eyes closed, he was deep in thought, consumed by feelings of loss and disappointment.

As they always did on these nights, his thoughts drifted to his family. In Sully’s mind Michaela didn’t seem to need him anymore. He wasn’t even sure she wanted him anymore. And though his children loved him, and he loved them with all his heart, he felt it was only a matter of time before they too came to see him as he saw himself, as a failure. When that happened, he worried they would become ashamed of him, like he was of his father. A chill coursed through his body as he realized he couldn’t bear to face that.

The solitude brought him closer to his failures in work. None of his recommended sites for preservation had been designated as such. Granted, they hadn’t been sold to businesses yet, but Sully figured it was just a matter of time. As these disappointments consumed him, he wondered if everyone would be better off without him – the land, the Cheyenne, Michaela, and…his children. “No, not my children,” he cried as that last thought deeply disturbed him. Then in frustration he looked toward the sky, his blue eyes filled with desperation. “Great Grandfather, please help me. Why don’t you speak to me anymore?”

As Sully replayed the last year in his mind, all the arguments with Michaela and the disappointments with the land weighed heavily on him. He remembered one of their arguments of the past year.

*”Sully, you just got home. Please don’t go away again,” Michaela pleaded.

“I’ve got to. If I take those folks from California into the mountains, I have a better chance of gettin’ Congress to protect ‘em,” he explained.

“I know what you do is important, but we need you here too. You’re hardly ever home. I feel like I’m doing everything alone,” she said in desperation.

“Even when I’m here…” He hesitated a moment. “It feels like I’m all alone,” he said regrettably.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“I mean…you may be in Colorado Springs, Michaela, but you’re never home either.”*

“I should have listened more,” he thought. “She was tryin’ ta talk to me and I just got angry. I withdrew from her.” Sully was so sure Michaela was pushing him away that he stopped listening. But now he wasn’t sure who was pushing whom. “But didn’t she resist every time I brought up the clinic,” he excused not yet willing to take the blame on himself. Still, every time she brought up his work he ended up lashing out. Sully wasn’t sure what to think anymore.

Work had been one disappointment after another. Despite making countless trips with state and national politicians, he still couldn’t convince anyone to protect the land he loved. Not even Colorado’s own Governor.

* “Mr. Sully, I share your desire to protect the land in this great state, but you have to understand it takes time,” Governor Routt tried to explain.

“If we don’t do this now, there’ll be nothin’ left and all we’ll have is regrets that we let it get destroyed,” Sully implored as he leaned over the Governor’s desk, his face tight with anger as he grudgingly tried not to raise his voice.

“Mr. Sully, you’re greatly exaggerating. This isn’t something that can be done overnight. My job is to balance the demands of the conservationists with the need for jobs and opportunity in this growing state.” The Governor was launching into one of his speeches. “For Colorado to prosper into the next century we need to have industry and ensure job opportunities for all our citizens. We want to encourage families to move to Colorado and prepare it for the future.” And, he was just getting warmed up.

Sully slumped down in the chair and was lectured to about the accolades of business development in Colorado for what seemed like hours. In reality it was only a matter of minutes.

“But what about the land?” Sully stressed. “If we destroy the beauty of these mountains and pollute the streams for profit, Colorado won’t have a future. People won’t come here then.” He was growing frustrated.

Governor Routt puffed his pipe with his brow furrowed. “The expeditions you led through the mountains with those eastern politicians swayed many in your favor. Permanent protection is hard to grant, Mr. Sully. Congress has to think of the future. Protecting it now may make sense, but what about one hundred years from now. I can commit that we will not permit development at this time. We will find alternative sites for the mining companies,” Governor Routt pledged.

“I am thinkin’ ‘bout one hundred years from now! The way I see it, the longer we wait the harder it’s gonna be,” Sully said discouraged, but not ready to give up just yet.

“This is the best I can do, Mr. Sully.”*

But that wasn’t nearly good enough for Sully. All the politicians were interested in was bringing business out west. Though Sully did have to acknowledge that the Governor kept his word. Business wasn’t permitted to develop the land he was working to protect. He could try again. Reluctantly he knew that was success. It was weighed against much failure…but it was still success.

Thinking about how hard he worked with so little to show for it made him weary. As Sully was dozing off, he heard a voice.

“You are troubled, my son.”

Startled, he looked around trying to find the voice. Suddenly he saw an apparition and he silently thanked the spirits for listening. As his eyes focused, he drew in his breath as he saw the spirit of Black Kettle standing before him.

“Black Kettle!” Sully was stunned to see the spirit of the Cheyenne Chief standing in front of him.

“You have lost your way,” Black Kettle’s spirit sensed.

Sully nodded. “Black Kettle, I don’t know where I belong anymore.”

“You are in a dark place, my son,” the Spirit said knowingly.

“Everything I ever worked for is gone or on the way to being destroyed.”

“What about your family?”

“It seems like I’m always disappointin’ them, especially my wife. Sometimes I think everyone would be better off without me,” he reasoned, his head in his hands.

“Do you really believe that?”

“Sometimes I think it would be best,” he whispered, his voice reflecting his pain. Sully sat in silence for a long time.

Black Kettle’s spirit began. “You are a good and honorable man. Your spirit is in darkness now so you cannot see the good you have done.”

“I haven’t done much. I haven’t done enough,” Sully bitterly replied, shaking his head.

“That is where you are wrong. I will show you just how much you have done,” the Spirit told him taking his arm. Sully stood and clasped his arm as he prepared to follow the spirit of Black Kettle. “This is a great gift. I will show you the world as if you never existed. Only then can you see what a difference you have made.”

Sully sat silently for several hours while the Spirit showed him visions from his past, altered only by his absence. First he saw his friends. The Ku Klux Klan lynched Robert E. because Sully wasn’t there to cut the rope. Many people in town were poisoned to death by mercury because he wasn’t there to help Michaela. The Indians killed Jake for shooting a brave because Sully wasn’t there to negotiate his release. Loren died because he wasn’t there to give him a blood transfusion. More visions followed. Sully saw the death of Cloud Dancing at the hands of the Army at Palmer Creek. The baby, Live in Hopes, died at Washita because no one found him in time.

Sully had tears running down his face as each vision brought greater and greater anguish. He saw forests being grazed for mining and lumber businesses. Even the Red Rocks had been sold for development. Sully looked away; he didn’t want to see anymore.

“Shall I continue?” the Spirit asked observing Sully’s anguish.

Sully just nodded. He needed to know about his family…he needed to know about Michaela.

The next visions showed Matthew losing his leg in a cave-in at a mine and Colleen losing part of her fingers to frostbite. “She will never become a doctor.”

“No!” Sully shouted out. “I got to Colleen in time and I got Matthew out from under the rocks.”

“No, my son, you were not there to help them,” the Spirit answered.

“What about my wife?” he asked in a whisper.

In the next vision Sully saw a grand house in a city he recognized as Boston. It was similar to the house Michaela grew up in. Sully thought she had done well for herself. “I have held her back,” he thought. “Is that Michaela’s house?” he asked the Spirit.

The Spirit nodded.

Through a window Sully could see two people having supper. First he noticed Michaela looking as beautiful as ever, and seeing her for the first time in months stirred strong longings in him. Then he noticed a man he assumed to be her husband. He immediately recognized him. “So she would have married William,” he murmured. Sully thought she looked content, but he wondered if she was truly happy. For it was her happiness that mattered most to him, and always had. He could hear Michaela and William talking.

“You’re not going back to Colorado,” William told her.

“William, I planned this trip a year ago. I want to see Matthew and my friends,” she adamantly declared. “I’ll only be gone a month.”

“I don’t want you going after all the unrest with the Indians. They say they’re raiding the towns and killing the settlers. It’s too dangerous,” he implored.

“I have no quarrel with the Indians. I’ll be fine. I miss Colorado. I miss the mountains and the woods. Colleen, Brian and I have an opportunity to be with Matthew again and to see my friends. I’m not going to pass it up.”

“Mike, you’re not going and that’s final,” he demanded.

“Are you forbidding me to go to Colorado?” she said with her voice shaking with anger.

“Yes! You are my wife and you will obey me.”

“I will go to Colorado, William! Neither you nor anyone else is going to stop me!”

“Obey?” Sully laughed at the absurdity. “That ain’t somethin’ ya say to Michaela! William should know there’s no stoppin’ her when she fixes her mind on somethin’.” Sully studied the vision more closely and noticed something different about Michaela, about the way she looked at William. It wasn’t the same way she looked at him. There was fondness and even love, but there wasn’t the same love in her eyes that Sully had seen so many times staring into his.

“She never knew the kind of love she had with you,” the Spirit revealed.

Sully was deeply moved. He felt relief that Michaela and William didn’t share the same passion he and Michaela had found with one another. But there was still one more thing he needed to know. “Did they have any children?”

“No.”

Sully was saddened that Michaela would never have had children of her own. She was a wonderful mother.

Sully was overwhelmed by the visions. He couldn’t believe he had made such a difference in the lives of his family, friends, and the town. Despite all his failures he had made a difference, maybe not to everyone, but to those at home most important to him.

The Spirit turned to Sully. “You have received a great gift. You see, Sully, you have made an important difference in the world. And you have made such a difference to me. The Cheyenne would have long been massacred if you were not the mediator between our people and the Army. Cloud Dancing would not be alive to teach the old ways to our children and Live in Hopes would not be alive to carry on our traditions. You have so much more to give. The spirits have given you this gift because you will know how to use it.”

Despite all he had seen, Sully still wasn’t ready to accept it. “That’s the past, not the present. I knew where I belonged back then. Everythin’s changed. I don’t know where I belong now. I haven’t done anythin’ lately. No one would care if I never came back.” He was despondent.

“You are wrong, my son. There is still much for you to do.”

“Like what? Can you show me what path I should take?” Sully pleaded.

“The answers are already within you. I have shown you all you need to know to find your way. It is best to start at the beginning, but I must warn you, it will not be easy.” With those words Black Kettle’s spirit was gone.

“No! Don’t leave! We’re not done!” Sully called out with his arms outstretched into the night.

* * *

7 December 1879 Dear Dr. Quinn

Received inquiry STOP No one fitting the description in Cheyenne STOP Will inform immediately if seen.

Sincerely, Dr. Reynolds Cheyenne Medical Clinic Cheyenne, Wyoming

* * *

8 December 1879 Dear Dr. Quinn

Not seen Byron Sully STOP Will reply if identified.

Sincerely, Dr. Porter Casper, Wyoming

* * *

10 December 1879 Dear Mr. Cooper

Found unidentified man in buckskin jacket STOP He was dead. STOP Could be Byron Sully.

Sheriff Douglass Colstrip, Montana

* * *

10 December 1879 Dear Mr. Cooper

Man found is NOT Byron Sully. STOP He was identified by his family earlier today.

Sheriff Douglass Colstrip, Montana

* * *

12 December 1879 Dear Dr. Quinn

Have not seen Bryon Sully STOP Will notify at once if here.

Regards Dr. Abbott Fort Collins, Colorado

* * *

14 December 1879 Dear Mr. Cooper

No sign of Byron Sully STOP Will notify immediately if found.

Sheriff Brown Sheridan, Wyoming

Chapter Eleven

“It appears I have to make an appointment to see my best friend,” Dorothy said as she entered the clinic for an appointment with Michaela.

Michaela looked up from her desk, not catching the sarcasm. “Are you feeling ill Dorothy?”

“Not physically.” She paused and stepped closer to her friend. “I miss you, and I figured this was the only way to see you,” she gently chastised.

Michaela quickly looked down at her patient files. “I’m sorry, I’ve been very busy lately,” she hurriedly excused as she straightened the files on her desk.

“Michaela, I know you’re avoiding me and I want to know why,” she said standing in front of the desk.

“I’m not avoiding you,” she insisted. “I’ve been busy.” Michaela stood, walked over to the medicine cabinet and began busily rearranging several bottles on the shelves.

Dorothy followed her and rested her hand on her shoulder. “Please Michaela. Don’t shut me out. I know you’re upset about Sully, but hiding yourself away from all your friends isn’t gonna do you any good. You need your friends now, more than ever.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she choked out. Michaela walked over to her instruments and frantically started to clean them. “Dorothy, if you’re not sick, I have a great deal to do here,” she spoke testily. “Thank you for stopping by.”

Dorothy walked over to the instruments, stilled Michaela’s hands and held them. “I’m not goin’ anywhere ‘til you talk to me,” she demanded. “Now come sit down.” She guided her friend over to her chair behind the desk. “Where’s Jason?”

Michaela reluctantly sat down. “He’s making house calls outside town this afternoon. I’m closing the clinic today.”

Dorothy brought another chair over so she could sit next to Michaela. “And the children?”

“Brian’s taking them home after school,” she softly replied.

“Good. Then we won’t be disturbed.” Dorothy’s hand reached out to rest over her friend’s. “Now tell me what’s wrong?” she asked patiently.

Michaela sat quietly staring at the files on her desk.

“It’s Sully, isn’t it?” she assumed.

Michaela silently nodded.

“You’ve still had no word?” Dorothy asked with concern.

“None,” she whispered.

Dorothy patted her hand. “You must be so worried,” she empathized.

Michaela raised her head and met her friend’s sympathetic eyes. “I thought he might be hurt and no one would know how to contact us so Matthew and I sent telegrams to doctors in all the towns between here and there,” she explained.

“Any word?”

“We received replies from most of the towns. No one’s seen him. I don’t know what to think anymore,” she said fighting to remain in control of her emotions.

“I know you better than most, Michaela. What are you thinkin’ that’s got you so upset?” Dorothy probed.

Michaela didn’t respond. She was afraid to give voice to the unsettling thoughts in her head.

“Michaela talk to me!” her friend implored. “You’re my dearest friend. I care about you and I want to be there for you if you’ll let me.”

“It’s difficult to talk about.” She paused and drew in her breath. “I’m worried…frightened…and…and ashamed,” she said barely managing to form the words.

“Ashamed! What do you have to be ashamed of?”

Michaela looked away again and lowered her eyes to the desk. “Perhaps he’s chosen to remain with Cloud Dancing and the Cheyenne. Perhaps he’s not coming back,” she told her in a whisper. She hadn’t given voice to her fear until now and hearing the words terrified her.

“Don’t go thinkin’ like that. Sully will be back,” she reassured. “Until he does you have many friends in this town and we’ll all be here for you and for the children. Anything you need, you just ask.”

She looked back at her friend. “What confuses me is the Sully I knew would never just…leave,” she said, voice cracking. “He would come to me and tell me the truth, even if it was painful.”

“I’m sure he will, when he’s ready. Maybe he’s just not ready yet.”

“I asked him before he left if he wanted the same things I did.” Michaela turned her head to look out the window. “He didn’t answer me then. I’ve tried to give him time, but the longer he’s gone, well…I’m afraid this is his answer.”

“You don’t know that Michaela.”

“Part of me wonders whether he wants a different life now,” she worried. “But then another part of me can’t accept that. I know the weather has been very bad in Montana. Perhaps it’s taking longer than he expected to get home. But if that’s the case, why hasn’t he sent word?” Michaela dropped her head in her hands in despair. “Dorothy, I don’t know what to think anymore! I’m hoping he’ll be home for Christmas, but…” She stood, walked to the window and gazed out with a distant look in her eyes.

Dorothy stood and stepped closer to Michaela, resting her hand on her back. “I hope he’ll be home by Christmas too,” she replied earnestly. As she was about to leave, Dorothy reached out and hugged her tightly then stepped back to reassuringly stroke her arm. “Let’s have lunch soon.” Michaela gave an almost imperceptible nod in agreement.

When Dorothy left, Michaela continued to stare out the window. “Of course Sully will be back,” she thought. “He would never just leave without a word. Or would he?” She thought about how he deserted from the Army and how he runs away from his pain. As much as he might want to face her, perhaps he can’t. Still, she wasn’t ready to give up. “No,” she said aloud. “He will be home for Christmas. He will be. He has to be.”

* * *

Sully’s mind was racing with the visions Black Kettle’s spirit had shown him. Jumbled together in fragments were his time with Cloud Dancing and the Cheyenne, Live in Hopes, his friends in town, and Michaela and the children. He couldn’t stop thinking of Cloud Dancing, Robert E., Colleen, and the others. He was glad he was there to prevent those dire outcomes. As always, his thoughts drifted back to Michaela. It was painful to think of her with another man. He should be the one holding her, comforting her when she got discouraged, and loving her.

Sully thought about how much it hurt that Michaela stopped making time for him. In his mind that was her way of telling him she was unhappy in their life together. That it wasn’t enough for her anymore. Since he left home he had replayed the past year over and over again in his mind, trying to find answers. All at once, as if a fog had been lifted, the truth was staring him in the face and it hit him hard. “Maybe she’s unhappy ‘cause I’m never home,” he murmured into the fire. “I should have been there more. I should have been with her,” he mused as he stirred the embers. “Maybe if I had been home more things would have been different, she would have made time for me,” he said aloud, at last realizing his role in creating the distance between them.

He remembered Michaela reaching out to him before he left. “She wanted ta talk. She said she’d do anything, and all I did was push her away. I walked away,” he said with deep remorse. In his pensive solitude it all came into focus. The truth had been right in front of him all along, but he had been too absorbed by his own pain to see it. He had been the one to withdraw from her and push her away, not the other way around. He had neglected her. His own feelings of inadequacy had blinded him to her feelings. Only now did he realize how much he had hurt her by leaving and how much he was still hurting her by not being there for her now. Sully took a deep breath. “Oh God, what have I done?”

Later that night his thoughts turned to work. Had he really made a difference in protecting the land? It seemed he was always losing. At the same time business hadn’t yet come into those places he tried to protect. Maybe he had slowed that down. If those places weren’t lost, maybe he could still protect them. He realized that he set unrealistic goals. “I was too focused on protection. It was all or nothin’. I was too impatient. I should have focused on choosin’ which lands business could build on.” As he stared into the darkness, he knew he had to make better choices in his work. He also knew he couldn’t let his work keep him away from home as much.

Sully also thought of Cloud Dancing. His brother knew where he belonged and had made peace with his life. “Cloud Dancin’s right,” he said to himself. “Nothin’s as important as family. Havin’ kids and raisin’ ‘em up right is the most important thing a man can do. I sure ain’t doin’ it right by bein’ gone all the time.” Though he told himself his work was for his kids and their future, he also knew they needed him to be there for them. So did Michaela.

Growing weary from the thoughts in his head, he lay down and tried to sleep as visions flooded his mind. At last he fell into a restless sleep. On this night, new visions filled his dreams. He saw his wedding day, Katie’s birth in the woods, and Josef’s birth. More dreams followed - he and his family on a picnic playing and laughing under a clear blue sky, he and Michaela at the waterfall, and all of them at home sharing a meal. In another dream his wife slowly came into view. She was at home wrapped in a quilt staring into a roaring fire, deep in concentration. Though faint at first, he heard her voice. It grew louder then he heard her calling for him. “Sully, where are you? Please come home. I need you.”

Sully awoke with a start. “Michaela!” he yelled into the night sky. “Michaela, I need you too. I’m comin’ home.” It was all so clear to him now. He needed to be home. For at home was his true happiness. His heart ached from how much time he spent away from Michaela and the children. He didn’t want to live without them. He couldn’t live without Michaela. They would make their marriage work, just like she said before he left. He would do anything to make it work. At first light he was heading home. Sully drifted back to sleep, finally at peace for the first time in nearly a year.

* * *

“I received a letter from Colleen today. She and Andrew will be coming home for Christmas,” Michaela told her children as she was serving supper. She was so happy all her children would be home this Christmas.

Brian was overjoyed with the news. “That’s great Ma. It’s been a long time since we’ve all been home for Christmas.”

“Too long,” she said.

“Colleen. She’s your oldest daughter, right?” Ben asked finding it difficult to keep up with Michaela’s dispersed family.

“Yes. She and her husband Andrew have a medical practice in Boston,” Michaela replied as she dished out a serving of stew to Ben. “Andrew worked with me at the clinic for a while after Katie was born. That’s how he and Colleen met. They’ve been married six years.”

Ben tasted the stew and nodded approvingly at Michaela. “Didn’t she face the same difficulties you faced as a woman doctor in Boston?”

“She did, but it was a bit easier having a husband who’s also a doctor. It was very difficult when she first graduated from medical college. She worked primarily in the poor house. But now she and Andrew have their own practice,” she stated proudly.

“Jason will be glad you didn’t convince them to come back and work with you. He’s very happy here,” Ben revealed.

“I didn’t ask them,” she confessed. “It was once my dream that Colleen and I would practice side by side in the clinic someday, but once she married Andrew I knew that probably wouldn’t happen.” She took a drink of water. “I’m glad Jason is happy because I’m very pleased to have him as my partner.”

“He is. I think he’ll be asking Nellie to come visit in the spring,” Ben added as he gazed at her thinking he had never seen more enchanting eyes.

“I wish Jason could have joined us this evening,” Michaela remarked as she rested her fork on her plate. “I feel a little guilty leaving him at the clinic to suture that customer Hank brought in.”

“Isn’t that why you took on a partner? So you wouldn’t always be stuck at the clinic in an emergency,” Ben reminded her.

“That’s exactly why I took on a partner,” Michaela replied then turned to Katie and Josef. “How was school today?”

“Good,” Josef replied bringing a forkful of stew to his mouth.

“What was good about it?” his mother probed.

With his mouth full he shrugged his shoulders and looked to his sister for help.

“We learned about how Colorado became a state and the consti…consti…?” Katie tried to explain. “It was confusing.”

“Constitution,” Michaela supplied. “Colorado became a state three years ago during the one hundredth year of our country. Our constitution defines the principles and laws by which the state will operate.”

“Constitutions are very important Katie,” Ben added taking a bite of bread. “They define how the state will be governed. When a territory becomes a state, it has to set up a government. The Constitution establishes the Governor as the head of the state,” he patiently explained.

“Mrs. Slicker says we have a new Governor,” Katie remembered her lesson from today.

“That’s right. Governor Routt recently lost the election to Governor Pitkin,” Michaela explained as she reached over to cut Josef’s meat.

“Governor Routt spent too much time on his mining business,” Ben told them. “He was more interested in getting rich than in running the state.”

“Papa met the Governor,” Katie told Ben.

“Yes he did,” Michaela proudly affirmed. “Your father was trying to convince him to protect the mountains from development. I’m afraid he didn’t have much luck,” she recalled with a sigh.

“Mama, Papa will be home for Christmas, won’t he?” Katie asked. She was missing her father terribly.

Michaela’s eyes saddened. “I don’t know sweetheart. I hope so,” she told her. It seemed that was all she said whenever the children asked about Sully. “I don’t know.” It had been almost three months since he left and still no word. The children asked where he was, what he was doing, was he thinking of them, and when he was coming home? It pained her to see them suffering so much. Michaela didn’t have the answers to any of their questions, but she tried her best to reassure them of his love.

Sully had missed so much these past few months and the children were hurt and disappointed. He missed the children’s Halloween costumes, Thanksgiving, and Josef’s birthday. Michaela had hoped he would have at least sent a telegram wishing his son a Happy Birthday. She was beginning to wonder if Sully even remembered Josef’s birthday, if he was even thinking of them at all.

Ben noticed Michaela’s forlorn expression as she tried to answer her children’s questions and he wondered if there was something he didn’t know.

“Don’t worry Katie. Papa’ll be home for Christmas,” Josef declared confidently.

“You sure?” Katie challenged her brother.

“Uh huh. That was my birthday wish. And I’m gonna ask Santa Claus ta bring Papa home too,” Josef told his sister.

Katie grew excited. “I’ll ask Santa too and we’ll make him a special present. Brian will you help us?”

Michaela’s eyes were misty and she and Brian shared a worried glance. Ben couldn’t help but notice. After months of watching his family in pain, Brian had grown angry with Sully. He couldn’t stand to see his Ma so upset, but more than that, his brother and sister were suffering and they were only little kids. They didn’t understand why he wasn’t home. And he knew it would break their hearts if Sully didn’t come home for Christmas. More than anything he wanted to spare them that pain. He looked at his siblings who were all excited about their present. “Sure, Katie, I’ll help,” he replied at last.

After supper Brian went to his room to write and Michaela put the children to bed. Once they were asleep, she came back downstairs and joined Ben for a cup of tea. “They’re asleep,” she told him taking a seat at the table.

“They really miss their father,” Ben observed watching Michaela carefully.

“Yes, they do,” she replied sipping her tea.

“So does their mother,” he perceived.

“I do,” she admitted.

“Did Sully give you any idea when he’d be home?” Ben asked her, his tone compassionate.

“Ben, I haven’t been completely honest with you,” Michaela told him as she looked him in the eye.

“How’s that?” he asked returning her gaze.

“Things were strained between Sully and myself before he left. I think that’s part of the reason he’s been gone so long,” she revealed in a soft voice. Michaela didn’t know why she was opening up to a stranger like this, but with Ben she felt more comfortable than with most of her friends lately.

Ben wanted to comfort her by taking her hand, but he held back. “What happened?” he asked sympathetically.

Michaela tensed a moment, uncertain about how to respond. Then she relaxed realizing that, as a friend, Ben was only concerned about her. “Sully was away frequently for work and you can only imagine how much I was working before Jason arrived. By not spending enough time together, we put a strain on our marriage.”

“If his trips caused the problems, how does he expect it to get better by being away again?” Ben questioned, a bit more harshly than he intended.

“Sully often needs time alone to think,” she defended, but in her mind, she knew Ben was right. “He went to visit his closest friend. I respect his need to spend time with Cloud Dancing, but I was certain he would be home by now. I know we can work through anything as long as we’re together,” she said, her voice quivering.

Impulsively Ben stood and walked over to her, gently putting his hand on her back to let her know he was there. “I’m sure he’ll be home soon,” he reassured. “He’s probably on his way right now and he’s getting slowed down by the weather.”

She found his touch comforting and reassuring. “I hope so. I love him so much. I don’t know what I’d ever do without him,” she said soulfully.

“Don’t think like that. All marriages go through rough spots. Sully will come home, I’m sure of it,” he reassured squeezing her shoulder.

“Thank you Ben,” she replied. “I’m sorry to have poured out my troubles to you. I just thought…well…if I don’t seem myself lately, I wanted you to know the reason. It has nothing to do with you.”

Ben gently rubbed her back. “Don’t be sorry. We’re friends and I care about you.” As soon as he spoke those words, he realized just how much he was starting to care about Michaela and it frightened him.

“Thank you.”

“Michaela, I should be going. Are you going to be all right?” Ben asked taking Michaela’s hands and bringing her to her feet.

“Yes.” Michaela let go of his hands and walked Ben to the front door. He put on his coat and lingered a moment at the door. As he stared into her eyes, he found himself picturing what it would feel like to reach out and lightly trace the outline of her cheek. He shook his head then, trying to push the thought away. His mind raced with questions. “Ben, what are you doing?” he thought. “She’s married and she’s your friend. You can’t be having these thoughts.”

“Goodnight Ben,” Michaela said.

“Goodnight Michaela.” Ben once again reached for her hand, gave it a reassuring squeeze and held on, letting go only when the door was about to close.

Michaela sat back down at the table and stared into her cup. She hoped Ben was right and Sully was on his way home. She didn’t know how she was going to get through Christmas without him. Pushing the chair out, she stood, walked over to the window and looked up at the stars. “Please Sully,” she pleaded. “Please be home for Christmas.”

It felt good to open up a little to Ben about Sully. He was so caring and reassuring. Hearing him tell her that her husband was on his way home made her almost believe it. Michaela knew she was starting to rely on Ben for support. She wondered, “Was this wrong? Perhaps Dorothy’s right.” Brushing aside those thoughts, she knew she needed someone like Ben right now, someone who was caring, supportive, and dependable. And she couldn’t lose him as a friend now.

* * *

Sully had been riding for days, having no idea what day it was or how long he’d been gone from Colorado Springs. It must have been several months since he left home. “Several months,” he murmured. In all this time he realized that he never sent word to Michaela. “What’s she gotta be thinkin’?” As soon as he passed through a town with a telegraph, he would wire her and tell her he was on his way home.

Still he wasn’t sure how long he’d been gone. The days were still getting shorter so he concluded it was December, but not past Christmas. “December,” he said out loud. “Oh God, Josef’’s birthday. I missed Josef’s birthday.” Sully thought about how wrapped up he’d been in his own pain that he forgot his own son’s birthday. At least he should have sent word. He could only imagine how disappointed Josef had been.

“I need to be home for Christmas,” Sully thought, “But is that possible?” For all he knew Christmas could be tomorrow. Closing his eyes, he concentrated on how he could get home in time. It was probably the middle of December now. If he rode very fast, stopping only to rest his horse, he might make it. But unfortunately the weather was against him. In the past few days the temperature had dropped sharply, and the increased risk of frostbite made riding through the night dangerous. Snow had started to fall a few hours ago, lightly at first, but increasing quickly, affecting his visibility. As the wind fiercely blew, he knew a more serious storm was on the way. “I’ve just got to be home for Christmas,” he said again.

* * *

“Robert E., may I speak with you for a minute?” Michaela asked standing at the side of the livery.

Robert E. moved away from the forge and walked toward Dr. Mike. “Sure. Is somethin’ wrong with Flash?”

Michaela looked down. “No. It’s not Flash.” She hesitated, clasping and unclasping her hands. “I was wondering if Sully said anything to you before he left,” she said looking at Robert E., her eyes searching for answers.

Robert E. wished he could help her. “I’m not sure what ya mean, Dr. Mike,” he answered honestly.

“Did he tell you he was leaving? Or anything about why?” she asked in a soft voice, anguished to be even asking this question. Michaela didn’t want to have this conversation. The thought of asking someone about her husband’s state of mind was disturbing to her. At one time nobody knew Sully better than she did. But at this moment she was desperate. When he didn’t come home for Josef’s birthday she was more upset and worried than she let on. Now she needed to piece together any clues to help her explain his absence.

The blacksmith wiped his hands and thought about the last time he talked to Sully. “I’m sorry Dr. Mike. He didn’t say nothin’ ‘bout leavin’. I only remember he was real discouraged about work.”

“I know. Nothing seemed to be going his way,” she remembered.

“He was thinkin’ ‘bout quittin’,” Robert E. informed her.

“He was?” She had no idea.

Robert E. nodded. “He said he had to think some more, but I think he was leanin’ that way.” Robert E. tried to add something encouraging. “Maybe that’s what he’s doin’ now, tryin’ ta figure out what ta do about work. I’m sure he’ll be home soon.”

“Of course he will,” Grace piped in hearing the conversation as she made her way over from the café.

“I was hoping he’d have been home for Josef’s birthday,” Michaela revealed.

“You said yourself the weather is much worse up there. Look how cold it’s turned here in just the past few days. Maybe he got slowed down,” Grace offered hopefully.

“Christmas is ten days away. The children will be devastated if Sully isn’t home,” Michaela said leaving out how devastated she would be.

“I’m sure he’ll be home by then. Don’t you worry.” Grace patted her arm.

Robert E. and Grace watched Michaela walk back toward the clinic, both of them worried about their friend.

“What if he don’t come back Robert E.?” Grace spoke what was on her mind.

Robert E. put his arm around his wife. “Don’t go thinkin’ like that. Sully loves Dr. Mike and those kids. He’ll be back.”

Grace shook her head. “I don’t think she’d ever get over it. I know I wouldn’t,” she added squeezing Robert E.’s hand.

“Don’t worry woman, I ain’t goin’ nowhere,” Robert E. assured her as he leaned over to lightly kiss her lips.

* * *

The sky was dark and the snow had been falling heavily. The winter air and the icy winds blasted his face as he rode homeward. Sully looked to the sky. “Could be a blizzard,” he muttered. “Better find shelter.” About an hours ride later, he found an old abandoned cabin. He sought cover for his horse by the side of the cabin in a primitive barn and he piled hay near her in case the storm lasted a long time. Although a pile of wood had been stacked beside the fireplace, one look at the ominous sky told him he would need more. “I need to get more wood and some food. I could be here for a while,” he said pulling up the collar on his buckskin jacket and heading out into the storm.

Returning to the cabin with his arms loaded with wood, he started a fire. The one room cabin was dark and musty and looked like it hadn’t been used for a few years. A single table in the middle of the room was the only piece of furniture. Off to the side were some skins and blankets suggesting it had been a trapper’s cabin. Despite the blistering cold and the blowing snow, he went back outside to hunt for supper.

Two hours later he returned with more wood, some roots and two rabbits. With this food and the jerky he still had left over in his bag, Sully was satisfied he could survive being stranded in a blizzard. He walked toward the skins and blankets on the floor, and shaking the dust off, he gathered them together for a bed. Looking around the stark surroundings, he thought, “I’ve had worse.”

He cleaned the rabbit and cooked it over the fire for supper. He would have to ration his food to ensure it lasted for the duration of the blizzard. The wind was howling outside and the snow was falling even faster than before. All he could see through the dingy window on the other side of the cabin was a haze of white. After supper, he picked up a piece of wood and began carving. He thought he should at least make Josef a birthday present. “I’ll need Christmas presents too,” he thought.

With every hour in the cabin, his anxiety increased. He needed to be on his way home, but the snow wasn’t letting up and it was too dangerous to go outside. It was the kind of snow that could easily make a person disoriented, lose their way, and freeze to death. There was no other choice but to remain in the cabin. Since hearing Michaela’s voice pleading with him to come home, new dreams were tormenting him. He kept having the same one, night after night. Michaela was holding Katie and Josef’s hands and she was walking away from him. Sully kept calling out to them, telling her to wait for him, but they kept moving further and further away. He was terrified. “I’m losin’ them,” he said. “I’ve got to get home!”

The thought of not being home with his family for Christmas filled him with terrible remorse. He longed to see his children’s faces on Christmas morning. He longed for the time he and Michaela would share on Christmas Eve. After the children were asleep, they would put the presents under the tree, fill the stockings, and share a romantic evening together. Sully thought about how he and Michaela had spent every Christmas together since they met. How could he not be home this time? Would she ever forgive him?

* * *

“What else should we put in it Brian?” Katie asked as she held the Christmas present she and her brothers had made for Sully.

“It’s up to you Katie. It was your idea,” Brian answered disinterestedly. The children had the idea of making a box and filling it with articles honoring their father’s work. Katie knew he tried to protect the land and the animals, and she wanted to show him how proud they were that he did something so important. She convinced Brian to help make the box and Josef to draw a picture for the top. Michaela even ordered a piece of glass, cut to size, for the top of the box to protect the picture.

“I found a feather,” Josef shouted excitedly. “Let’s put it in the box.”

Katie looked in the box trying to decide if they had enough. “We have some dirt for the earth, we have leaves, a pine cone, a piece of the Red Rocks, and now a feather,” she described. “We need something for the animals.”

“We can’t put animals in Katie,” Josef said shocked.

“No, but you could draw a wolf, an elk and a hawk. We could put the drawings in the box,” she suggested determinately.

Josef’s eyes lit up. “That’s a good idea! I’ll start drawin’!”

“Come on, you two, it’s getting late and Ma’ll worry,” Brian said.

“Okay, let’s show Mama what we have,” Katie replied.

Katie returned home, bursting with enthusiasm, and showed her mother the contents of the box. “Look Mama, we have lots for the land and Joey’s gonna draw animals.”

“That’s wonderful sweetheart. Your father will love it,” she responded, clearly moved by the love their children had put into the present.

“Ya think so?” Josef asked.

“I know so sweetheart,” Michaela replied. “May I add something to the box?”

“What Mama?” Katie asked.

“Years ago I made your father a shirt as a wedding present and Cloud Dancing gave me stones to put on the shirt that were meant to protect him. I’ve held onto some of the ones I didn’t use and would love to put them in the box, if you don’t mind,” Michaela explained, tears beginning to form in her eyes as she remembered the true meaning of that wedding shirt.

Katie walked toward her mother and took her hand. “Don’t be sad Mama. The stones are just right for the box. They’ll remind Papa of Cloud Dancin’ and you,” Katie lovingly stated.

“I’m not sad Katie. It’s just that this is such a wonderful present and I am so proud of all three of you,” she said, her face beaming with pride. Michaela loved the gift and she marveled at her children’s talent and creativity. She knew Sully would be moved by how much they loved him and were proud of him. Her only worry was that he wouldn’t be home. But she couldn’t bear suggesting this to Katie and Josef, let alone bear the devastation in their eyes if he truly did not return.

Chapter Twelve

It had been almost a week since the blizzard started and Sully was going stir crazy in the cabin alone. The snow hadn’t let up any and he wasn’t sure how much longer he would be trapped inside this small, dingy space. When he left Colorado Springs, all he wanted was to be alone to think so he could find his way again. Now that he knew where he belonged, he wanted to be home with his family. Disturbing thoughts and dreams continued to plague him. Each night he had that same dream of Michaela and the children walking away from him. Was he too late? Had Michaela given up on him? “It can’t be too late,” Sully thought. “I heard her callin’ for me. We love each other, and as long as we have that we can get through anything. When I get home I’ll tell her I’m ready to work things out, whatever it takes. After all, isn’t that what she said she wanted before I left?” As much as he tried to keep his hopes up, he couldn’t shake the anxiety building inside himself.

Sully was struggling with how he would explain these months to Michaela. Before he left his feelings of failure overwhelmed him, and he didn’t know how she could still love him. He thought he had disappointed her and the kids. Now he knew he hadn’t disappointed his wife and children as much as he had disappointed himself. He pushed Michaela away, not the other way around. “How could I have thought they’d be better off? What was I thinkin’,” Sully said out loud.

Being with Cloud Dancing and going on the vision quest showed him that he was on the right path. And Black Kettle’s spirit helped him recognize what was truly important in his life. Still, he thought, “Nothin’s really changed. I ain’t discovered somethin’ new to do with my life. All I figured out was that I have to keep doin’ the same things. How am I gonna explain that to Michaela? How am I gonna tell her that I had to be gone this long to figure out that everything I want is at home? This ain’t gonna be easy. But isn’t that what the Spirit said?”

Deciding to start with something easier, he wrote a letter to his boss. Even though he was going to continue his work with the General Land Office, he did think of some other ways approach his job. While he hadn’t succeeded in permanently protecting any of his recommended sites, he had to acknowledge that none of that land was sold to business either. So there was still hope. Permanent protection was hard to achieve and it would be a long, slow process. He decided to focus on stopping business from coming to the land that should be preserved. As long as no one built on it, there was still a chance to protect it in the future.

He decided to ask for permission to direct his efforts in two directions. First, he wanted to spend more time building support for a national park in the mountains of Colorado just like they were doing at Yellowstone. And second, he wanted a say in designating which lands near home could be developed. If he could give his opinion on the business requests in Colorado Springs and the surrounding territory, he’d have a say in managing the growth and deciding which places were destroyed. Plus he’d be home more by focusing on the land around Colorado Springs.

Satisfied that he had finished making his requests to his boss, Sully folded the letter and placed it in his bag. “I’ll mail this when I get to a town,” he said standing and walking over to lay another log on the fire. When he sat back down, his thoughts returned to Michaela. He had done so many things wrong over the past year, and even longer. As his feelings of inadequacy and helplessness mounted, Sully didn’t know how she could stand to be around him, so he fixed it so she couldn’t. “How could I have been such a fool?”

Having not passed a telegraph office before the storm, Sully was filled with incredible guilt that he hadn’t sent word to Michaela. “How could I have been so selfish?” But as guilty as he felt now, he had to admit that at the time he wouldn’t have known what to write. “I should have at least told her I got here safe and I love her. I didn’t even tell her that before I left.” Sully decided to write Michaela a letter to tell her he was coming home and to try to explain how he was feeling before he left. “Maybe this will get to Colorado faster than I can,” he thought. Reaching into his bag, he pulled out some paper and a pen. He stared at the paper for a long time, not sure where to begin. Then he started writing.

Dear Michaela,

I’m sorry I’ve been gone so long. As I write this letter I’m sitting in a deserted cabin waiting for a blizzard to pass. I was trying to get home in time for Christmas, but I’m not going to make it. I’m not really sure what day it is. I may have already missed it. Just the thought of not being with you and the kids for the holiday is tearing me apart. We’ve always been together on Christmas. I promise, Michaela, when I get home, I’ll make it up to all of you.

I know you don’t understand why I had to leave. I was lost. I felt like I was failing at everything. I felt like I was failing you and our family and all of you would be better off without me. I know now what I did was wrong. I should have stayed and talked to you, like you wanted.

I didn’t think my work was making a difference. The politicians listened to the businessmen and not me. And the land lost. I lost. I couldn’t save this land like you can save your patients. I knew I was pulling away from you. I didn’t want to, but the failures kept growing until I could hardly stand to look you in the eye, or to look myself in the eye. I didn’t want Katie and Josef to see the man I was becoming. I never wanted them to be ashamed of me.

Now I’ve heard the spirits and my path is clear. I know my life means nothing without you and the kids to share it with. Please forgive me for leaving and for being gone so long. Forgive me for not telling you how much I love you before I left and not promising to work with you to fix things between us. I love you Michaela, with all my heart. You filled my thoughts every day I was gone. You, Katie, and Josef are the best things in my life. Don’t ever forget that.

I promise I’ll be home more and I’ll do anything to make things right between us again. I hope you still want that, because I’ve never known a more powerful love than ours. You are, and will always be, my heartsong.

All my love, Sully

Sully looked at the letter. It said everything he wanted to tell her. “Would this be enough?” He knew he had hurt Michaela and that she was stubborn. Would she be able to hear him? He folded the letter and placed it in his bag. Growing weary, he added another log to the fire and lay down to sleep.

* * *

Michaela finally got the children down for the night. Colleen and Andrew came home the day before, having been delayed in Denver because of the snow. The children were so excited about having them home and about Christmas the next day, it was hard to get them to sleep. After the children were asleep, Brian and Andrew retired while Colleen stayed up to spend some time alone with her mother. Michaela brought hot cocoa for herself and Colleen then they sat down in the living room and began to fill stockings for the children.

“I’m so happy to have all my children home for Christmas,” Michaela said sipping her hot cocoa.

“It’s good to be home. Andrew and I were disappointed we couldn’t be here last year, but the practice was too busy,” she explained.

“I understand,” her mother responded, observing that her daughter didn’t seem herself. “Is everything all right Colleen?”

“Yes. Our practice is growing rapidly and Andrew is gaining esteem among the Boston medical establishment,” Colleen replied as she sipped her hot cocoa.

“And between you and Andrew?” Michaela asked sensing something was amiss.

“We’re great,” she replied in a somber tone of voice.

“I sense a ‘but’ in there,” her mother intuited then turned to face her daughter.

Colleen hesitated before answering. “It’s…it’s just that Andrew and I have been married for six years and we still haven’t been able to have a child.”

Michaela reached for her hand. “I can understand how disappointed you are, but you’re still young and you’re healthy. I’m confident it will happen at just the right time,” she reassured.

“I hope so.”

“I’m certain of it Colleen. And besides a few more years will give me time to get used to the idea of becoming a grandmother,” she said jokingly.

Colleen smiled. “I want a child so badly that I’m afraid it’s affecting my relationship with Andrew,” she revealed.

“Don’t put so much pressure on yourself or Andrew. After all, I was older than you are now before I had my first child,” she reminded her.

“It’s hard not to.”

Michaela wrapped her hands around the warm cup. “I know. I remember some of those same feelings before I became pregnant with Katie and especially before Josef. After the miscarriage it took me so long to become pregnant again that I thought our chances for another baby were over. As I recall, I put pressure on Sully as well,” she said staring off in the distance.

“Andrew reassures me that it will happen and even if it doesn’t we can adopt a child. He’s been so wonderful, but…I feel inadequate as a wife,” Colleen confessed in barely a whisper.

“Oh Colleen!” her mother sympathized. “I’ve had some of those same feelings myself, especially lately,” she added under her breath, “but please don’t ever think you’re inadequate. There are new theories that suggest being stressed and overworked may affect fertility. Perhaps you could consider reducing your hours in the practice and plan time away with Andrew. A little rest and relaxation may do wonders,” she said as a smile formed on her lips.

Colleen laughed thinking about how much she missed sitting and talking with her mother like this. “Thanks, Ma. I’ll talk to Andrew.”

“Good, now help me fill these stockings and arrange the presents under the tree.”

Colleen and Michaela finished filling the Christmas stockings in silence and they placed the presents under the tree. Colleen was nervously watching her mother then finally decided to break the silence. “Ma, what’s going on with you and Pa?” she gently pressed.

Michaela looked at her daughter not quite knowing what to say. “I’m not sure I know.” She hesitated, but then decided her daughter deserved to know the truth. “We’ve drifted apart over the past few years, so much so that we’re essentially leading separate lives. Sully has been away more frequently for work which gives us little time together and my hours at the clinic before Jason only made matters worse,” she told her daughter with all the strength she could muster.

“Even so, Pa still loves you. I know he does. And Katie and Josef,” she stressed. Colleen couldn’t believe her parents’ marriage was in trouble. She had envied her mother and Sully. They were so much in love and their connection was so strong. It was unimaginable to her that anything could cause a rift in their relationship.

Michaela sighed. “Colleen, I believe Sully loves us, especially Katie and Josef, and I don’t think he purposely wants to hurt us,” she told her daughter as she placed a present under the tree. “But I’m not certain he wants this kind of life anymore. I was so sure he would be home for Christmas. I think for the first time today, I’m worried he may not be coming back at all.”

“Of course he’ll be back. Maybe he’ll still get here for Christmas,” Colleen said hopefully.

“I’m still hoping for that too, for the children’s sake.”

“I’m sorry Ma,” Colleen said sympathetically.

“I’m sorry too, for so many things. If I could only turn back the clock, I’d do so many things differently,” Michaela emphatically stated.

“Ma, you can’t blame yourself,” Colleen stressed.

Michaela looked at her daughter. “If Sully’s unhappy, then it is my fault, Colleen. I buried myself in my work to avoid facing our problems. Then I filled the emptiness inside by striving to gain professional recognition at the exclusion of my family,” she shamefully admitted. “I didn’t listen when he wanted me to make changes. I got angry and pushed him away.”

“I think you’re being too hard on yourself. Sully was away a lot too.” Colleen told her mother.

“I’m not saying that Sully didn’t play a part, but I know I handled everything all wrong. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do without him.” Michaela put her head in her hands as she fought to stay in control.

Colleen hated to see her mother so upset. “You both still love each other. I know you can make things right again,” she said optimistically.

“Not if he doesn’t come home,” her mother softly replied. They sat silently for several minutes then Michaela turned to her daughter. “Colleen, why don’t you go up to bed? I’ll finish up down here.”

Colleen nodded and gave her mother a hug. “Goodnight Ma, and Merry Christmas.”

“Goodnight Colleen,” Michaela said as she kissed her daughter on the cheek.

Michaela walked over to the window and watched the falling snow. It had been snowing all week and everyone was happy it would be a white Christmas. The night before Christmas was one of her favorite times of the year. Since she and Sully had been married, it was always a treasured time for the two of them. They would make sure all the preparations were in order for Christmas morning then they would stay up late talking, drinking hot cocoa, and often making love downstairs in front of the fire.

Even last Christmas Eve had been wonderful. Despite some tension between them during the months leading up to the holiday, they had been able to put it aside and enjoy a late romantic supper after the children had fallen asleep. They spent the evening talking over a delicious meal and later in the evening their passions ignited into a physical expression of their love for one another. As the memories of that night resurfaced, Michaela couldn’t believe they let their marriage deteriorate as it had. After their anniversary last year, it became harder and harder to push aside their differences as they had been able to do last Christmas. “How is it possible that we could be so far apart only a year later?” she thought.

“I can’t believe you’re not home for Christmas,” Michaela said out loud, as if talking to Sully. “I wouldn’t have believed it was possible for you to disappoint the children like this. Will you ever come home?” Michaela moved away from the window, sat back down and started to cry. It was in these unguarded moments when no one was watching her that she would release the pain inside. “Oh Sully, what happened to us? Our love was so strong,” she said into the burning fire. It was hard for her to believe that anything could tear them apart. “Perhaps he’ll still get here for Christmas,” she wished. Exhausted, she rose to extinguish the lamps then went upstairs to bed.

* * *

The snow kept falling and Sully knew it was still too dangerous to leave the cabin. Although he had lost track of the days, he figured it had to be around late December, maybe later. He sighed and looked around the cabin. “So this is where I’m gonna spend Christmas, if I haven’t already missed it.”

Sully continued to carve Christmas presents for his family. He carved a train for Josef’s birthday and an elk for Christmas. For Katie he was working on a flute. He still couldn’t decide what to make Michaela. He wanted to buy her something special to tell her how sorry he was about everything, especially not being home for Christmas, but when it was safe to travel, he wanted to go straight home. He wouldn’t delay his arrival for one minute longer to stop and buy her a present. What could he make for her that could even begin to convey the depth of his feelings? “I know,” he murmured after some time. Sully decided to carve her a wooden jewelry box with a heart etched into the top of the box and two hawks carved inside the heart. The heart would communicate his love and the hawks would signify their inseparable bond. After all, it was Michaela who once told him that Hawks mate for life and would be lost without each other. Sully knew he would be lost without her.

If he closed his eyes, Sully could picture his family on Christmas Eve. The kids would be overly excited and Michaela would be having a hard time getting them to sleep, as usual. After they were asleep she would remain downstairs to fill the stockings and place the presents under the tree. Would she be thinking of him? He hoped so. This was one of the most special nights of the year for them. He longed to be with her, decorating the tree, wrapping presents and sitting by the fire sipping hot cocoa, and later in the evening, making love. When Christmas morning came the children would run down the stairs to open their presents, their excited faces filling the whole house with joy. Then later that evening family and friends would sit down to a wonderful Christmas supper.

Sully was despondent over all he was missing and all he had missed. He knew once it stopped snowing, it would still take him several weeks to get home. How was he going to wait that long? Closing his eyes he whispered, “Merry Christmas, Michaela. I love you.”

* * *

Josef woke first and scampered into his sister’s room. As he approached the bed, he shook her to wake up. “Com’on Katie, get up! It’s Christmas!” Katie got up right away and she and Josef hurried down the hall to wake Brian. Then all three of them raced down the stairs to see what Santa had brought.

Michaela heard the children downstairs and sat up in bed. She stared at the empty spot next to her and she reached out to brush her open palm over his pillow. “Merry Christmas, Sully, wherever you are,” she whispered. “Oh, Christmas,” she thought. “How am I going to get through this day?” All her hopes were pinned on Sully being home by now. When he wasn’t, all she wanted to do was crawl back under the covers. But she knew she had to put on a brave front for her children and her friends. Slowly swinging her legs over the side of the bed, she waited a few moments to gather her strength then she stood and walked to her vanity. Reaching for her hairbrush, she pulled it through her hair a few times then she reached for her robe, put it on, and made her way downstairs to join the children in their holiday celebrations.

Katie saw her mother coming downstairs. “Can we open them Mama?” she asked excited at seeing all the presents under the tree. With Sully not home, Michaela wanted this Christmas to be special, making her presents more extravagant than in years past.

“Of course, sweetheart,” she responded patting her daughter’s head. As she searched the room for her son, she found him staring out the window, paying no attention to the presents under the tree. “Is something wrong, Josef? Don’t you want to open your presents?” she asked putting her hand on his shoulder.

“I’m waitin’ for Papa,” he said, his eyes fixed on the path leading to the homestead.

Michaela sighed and walked over to her son, putting her arms around him. “Josef, Papa may not be able to be with us today. He went very far away. I know he’d like to be with us, but sometimes he can’t.” She paused to gauge his reaction, but Josef just stood frozen in place staring out the window. “Let’s sit down by the tree and open our presents, all right?” Michaela didn’t know how she was going to shield him from the inevitable pain he would have today. She didn’t know how she was going to protect herself either.

Josef turned to look at his mother. “Okay. I know Papa will be here later,” he said as he walked over to the tree.

Colleen and Andrew were seated in the living room and Matthew and Claire had arrived early with presents for everyone. Michaela sat in one of the chairs in the living room watching her family open presents. Brian opened a leather-bound journal from Michaela, a book about journalism from Colleen and Andrew, a new pen from Matthew, a picture from Joey, and writing tablets from Katie.

Katie received a picture from Josef, a pair of moccasins from Brian, a comb from Matthew, a book from Colleen and Andrew, and a horse figure with real hair from her mother. It was a beautiful chestnut horse and Katie loved it. Michaela also made her a new quilt that was adorned with nature and Indian patterns.

“Mama, it’s so beautiful. There’s a leaf, a mountain, a tepee, I love it,” Katie exclaimed. “Look a wolf.”

“I’m glad you like it, sweetheart. You were outgrowing your old quilt and I wanted to make you a special one with all your favorite things,” she replied.

Josef received a kite from Brian, drawing paper from Katie, a hat and mittens from Colleen and Andrew, a baseball bat and ball from Matthew, and a beautiful easel with paints from his mother. Colleen and Andrew received a new medical textbook from Michaela, a book from Matthew, and drawings from the children.

It was Michaela’s turn to open her presents. From her older sons she received an exquisite blue shawl. As she fingered the fine silk fabric, she thought of Sully and how much he loved her in blue. Colleen and Andrew bought her the latest medical textbook, and from the children she received a book that Brian helped them pick out and a picture, drawn by the children, of herself with a patient, to hang in the clinic. She leaned over and hugged each of her children, thanking them for her gifts. All that remained under the tree were Sully’s gifts.

Michaela was overcome with emotion as she saw all her children sitting under the Christmas tree opening presents. It was everything she always wanted the holiday to be. This was a wonderful Christmas even if Sully wasn’t there to enjoy it.

Colleen noticed tears in her mother’s eyes. “Ma, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. I’m just so happy we’re all here together today. I remember when we made a promise to each other to always be together on Christmas. With you and Andrew and Brian back east, it’s become more difficult. I’m so glad we could make it happen this year,” she explained wiping away her tears.

“Me too, Ma,” Colleen said reaching for her mother’s hand.

“Yeah, me too,” echoed Brian taking her other hand. Matthew brought Katie and Josef over and all of them sat down and held hands for several moments, happy to be together on Christmas day.

Michaela looked at Brian. “I’m sorry Anna couldn’t be with us. I know you must miss her terribly,” she perceived.

“I do,” he admitted. “But she needed to be with her family on Christmas like I needed to be with mine. She said she might be able to come visit on her winter break from school though.”

“Brian, don’t you think you should start thinking about returning to Boston?” Michaela asked.

Brian shared a secret look with Matthew who nodded for his little brother to go on. “Ma, I was gonna wait ta tell ya, but I’m not sure I wanna go back. Being home has shown me that I really missed Colorado Springs and my family. I’ve learned a lot in Boston, but I think I could write from here and send my stories back east and to the Denver papers. I could also work for Miss Dorothy more regularly.”

Michaela smiled broadly. “Brian, if this is what you truly want, it would be the best Christmas present you could give me. I only want you to be certain. I don’t want you to do it because of me,” she anxiously stated.

“I’m sure,” he insisted. “It’s partly all of you. I want to be with my family. Anna will come visit and see if she could make this her home. If not, then maybe we should go our separate ways.” He felt his stomach tighten as he thought about losing Anna.

“Brian, you’ve become so grown up,” Michaela told him while holding him in a tight embrace. “You don’t need to decide anything right away. Once you see Anna again, you may feel differently.”

“That’s what I told him,” Matthew grinned ruffling his brother’s hair.

Spending time with her children on Christmas morning was taking her mind off Sully. Occasionally she found herself looking out the window as if expecting him to ride up to the house and holler, “Merry Christmas.” Michaela knew that wasn’t going to happen, but she couldn’t stop hoping.

Chapter Thirteen

Michaela and Colleen were completing the Christmas supper as the guests started to arrive. Dorothy, Loren, Jason and Ben were the first to be invited to share the holiday with them. Later, when Michaela learned Hank’s son Zach was visiting his father for Christmas, she invited them too. Before everyone sat down to enjoy the meal, more gifts were exchanged. Dorothy, Loren, Hank and Jason brought gifts for Katie and Josef. Ben was the last to give his gifts. He gave Katie a silver bracelet with designs of an arrow and a feather made by the Navajo Indians. Josef received a new sled that brought a rare smile to the little boy’s face. Then he handed Brian an envelope. As he held the envelope in his hand, Brian stared quizzically at Ben.

“Open it,” Ben urged, a twinkle in his eye.

Brian opened the envelope and saw a letter inside. Scanning the contents of the letter, he looked at Ben with a huge grin on his face. “I don’t believe this! Thank you, Ben,” was all he could say.

The rest of the family stared at Brian, curious. “What is it?” Matthew asked.

“Ben’s father read my articles and he wants me to write something for The New York Times. He says I have talent,” Brian said in disbelief, his eyes wide with excitement. In his exuberance, he embraced Ben. At first Ben was stunned by this show of affection, but then he quickly returned his embrace.

Michaela then hugged her son. “Brian, of course you have talent. I’m so proud of you.”

“It looks like I can do what I want,” Brian said. “I can stay here and still write for papers back east.” He reread the letter again to make sure he wasn’t dreaming.

“What will you write about?” Colleen asked coming out from the kitchen.

Brian thought for a moment. “I wanted to write about why Congress didn’t pass the bill to protect Hunter Pass, but Pa’s not here to help me understand it all.”

“I’m sure you’ll think of something,” Michaela said confidently.

Finally Ben handed Michaela a small box wrapped in brown paper.

“Ben, you shouldn’t have,” she murmured. “I didn’t expect anything.”

Ben laughed. “It’s Christmas Michaela. People give gifts on Christmas. Open it,” he encouraged.

Michaela blushed as she opened the package. Dorothy, Loren, Colleen and Andrew were eyeing her suspiciously. Colleen leaned over to Andrew. “He likes Ma,” she whispered. “Shhh,” Andrew replied. “You can talk to her later.”

Michaela tore the brown paper and lifted the top of the box. Inside was a beautiful silver hair clasp. On the top of the clasp was an intricate design of Cheyenne Indian symbols.

“Oh, Ben, it’s beautiful. Thank you,” Michaela exclaimed holding up the clasp to admire the design.

“I’m glad you like it,” he responded thinking how beautiful it would look in her hair.

The room grew quiet. Loren and Dorothy shared a worried glance as each of them thought the gift was more than a token of friendship.

Hank broke the uncomfortable silence. “Well, Michaela, looks like you found yourself another Ingun lover.”

Michaela gave Hank a sharp look.

Aware of the awkwardness in the room Ben spoke up. “It’s a token of my appreciation for your assistance with my research on the Cheyenne,” he said in defense of his gift.

“Thank you. Ben’s work is very important for the Indians,” Michaela explained. “Now, if you will excuse me, I have some more cooking to do.”

A few hours’ later family and friends gathered around the table as Michaela brought out the holiday supper.

“It looks wonderful, Michaela,” Dorothy exclaimed.

“I suppose if your doctorin’ ain’t killed me yet, I reckon your cookin’ can’t either,” Hank quipped.

Michaela put her hands on her hips. “I’ll have you know, Hank, I can hold my own with anyone in the kitchen now, except perhaps Grace.”

“I don’t doubt it,” Hank replied as he held his hands up in mock surrender. Everyone laughed at this banter then sat down to enjoy an abundant Christmas supper.

Michaela led her family and friends in saying grace and she said a silent prayer for Sully’s safe return. The food was delicious and the conversation lively. Loren regaled Katie and Josef with stories of his youth with great exaggeration, for which Dorothy gently scolded him. Ben entertained the guests with historical anecdotes of Christmases past. Zach and Brian caught up on old times and shared their current endeavors from Zach’s artwork on display in New York and San Francisco to Brian’s apprenticeship with The Boston Globe. The younger children were restless, and Josef in particular remained quiet throughout supper, every once in a while glancing toward the door or out the window, still hoping his father would come home. And as hard as she tried to enjoy the company of her family and friends, Michaela wasn’t in the holiday spirit.

After supper and dessert, the children played by the fire and the adults lingered a while over coffee. Josef showed Zach his drawings and the older boy was impressed with the younger child’s imagination. Zach found Josef’s ability to express his emotions through his drawings to be advanced for his age. Together they drew a picture to capture this Christmas and Josef insisted they leave a chair empty at the table for his father in the picture. Finally, it was getting late, and the guests started to leave.

“Thank you, Michaela, for a wonderful supper,” Dorothy said as she hugged her goodnight.

“I’m glad you both could join us,” Michaela said to Dorothy and Loren as they were leaving.

“Goodnight, Dr. Mike,” Loren returned.

Michaela followed them out. She needed to clear her head and to bring in more wood for the fire. As she was gazing up at the stars, she felt someone near.

“Sully,” she whispered, hoping it was true. As she turned around she saw Ben standing in front of her. “Ben, what are you doing out here?”

“I was going to ask you the same thing. It’s cold Michaela,” he told her noticing her sad expression.

“I wanted some time alone, to think,” she explained looking down.

“I’ll leave you alone, then,” he said turning to leave.

“No don’t,” she urged.

“I know you hoped Sully would be home today.” He paused to study her face. “Are you all right?” he asked earnestly.

Michaela averted his eyes. “No,” she answered honestly. “I truly believed Sully would be home today. Ever since I arrived in Colorado Springs, we’ve always spent Christmas together.”

“I know you must be worried. If you want to talk about it, I’ll listen,” Ben said taking her hand.

Michaela lowered her eyes to the ground. “Yes, I’m worried,” she admitted, hesitating for a minute. “I’m also angry, frightened, and most of all incredibly hurt. I never thought Sully could hurt me like this, or the children. You see how Josef is tonight. What am I going to tell them?” she asked, her eyes brimming with tears.

“You just keep doing what you’ve been doing. Keep telling them Sully loves them. They can’t hear that enough,” Ben stressed.

“What if he doesn’t come home?” Michaela couldn’t hold in her emotions any longer. Bringing her hands to her face, she broke down as tears rolled down her face.

Ben wanted to comfort her, but he stood still. “Michaela, everything you’ve told me about Sully tells me he’d never disappear on his wife and kids. Unless…is there something you’re not saying?” he gently pressed.

She sniffled and wiped her tears. “No, I’ve told you we were having problems before he left,” she reminded him. “I’ve been trying to piece it together. He hasn’t sent word in over three months. Sully always sends word when he’s away. Then there’s the morning he left. He didn’t say, ‘I love you’. Sully always said that before he went away. He told me to take care of myself and the children,” she choked out, her voice faltering.

Ben rubbed her arm. “That’s not so unusual. He’d want you to take care of yourself and the children even if he was only gone a little while.”

Michaela shook her head. “No, there was something different about this goodbye. He hugged the children tight and said, Don’t forget I love you. Why did he say that?” Her voice reflected her pain.

Ben stepped closer and tentatively put his arm around her shoulder. “Michaela, young children are focused on the here and now. If Sully was going to be away for a few months, maybe he was worried they might start thinking he didn’t love them. He just wanted to reassure them before he left. Don’t read anymore into it.”

“Perhaps, but I don’t know what to think. Why has he been gone so long unless something is very wrong? When I go over in my mind the time right before he left and even months before that, I have this terrible feeling Sully’s decided he doesn’t want our life together anymore,” she uttered barely able to say the words.

Ben rubbed her back. “It’s all right. I hope Sully comes back and there’s a reasonable explanation for all this, but if not you have five wonderful children who love you and a town full of friends, me included, who would do anything for you. You’ll get through this.”

“I don’t think I can,” she leaned her head against his chest and Ben stroked her hair. Standing this close to Michaela was wonderful and awkward at the same time. Ben wanted to pull back, but she was so vulnerable and he knew she needed someone to hold her right now. He drew her tight into his arms and held her for several long moments.

“Everything is going to be all right, Michaela, you’ll see,” he told her over and over again, gently rubbing her back.

“Thank you, Ben,” she returned, pulling back from him slightly.

“I’ll be here for you Michaela. I’ll continue to be your friend and help you through whatever is going to happen,” he said sincerely gazing into her eyes.

She wiped her tears. “You’ve been such a good friend to me. Thank you for listening to me and for being there for me these past few months.”

Ben felt uncomfortable with the praise, especially since the feel of Michaela so near, in his arms just then, excited him. With his senses reeling, he grew uneasy about the feelings she aroused in him. He stepped back and tenderly brushed the hair back from her downcast face. “Why don’t you go back in the house? I’ll bring in the wood.” He wanted a few minutes outside alone to regain his composure and to rationalize his new feelings.

Michaela wiped her tears again and tried to look presentable before entering the house. Ben watched her walk back into the house trying to make sense of his growing feelings. “We’re just friends,” he whispered. “I just got caught up in the emotion of the moment.” As much as he tried, Ben couldn’t deny his feelings were growing into something more than friendship. If he was honest with himself, they had been for a while. He had an overpowering desire to take care of her and protect her. “She’s married. We can’t be any more than friends,” he told himself. “I need to spend less time with her. No, I promised her I’d help her through this.” Ben wished Sully would come home and put an end to any confusion about their relationship.

As he carried the wood into the house, Ben walked over to the fireplace to lay another log on the fire, stoking it to stir the flames. Jason walked over. “Ben, it’s time to be leaving. The snow is picking up,” he urged.

“You’re right, let’s get our coats,” Ben replied glancing once again at Michaela who was bringing some plates into the kitchen.

Michaela saw Jason and Ben with their coats on and came to the door to see them out. “Goodnight, Jason, Ben. Thank you for the wonderful gifts,” she said sensing some awkwardness with Ben.

“Goodnight Dr. Mike. Thank you for allowing us to share your family’s Christmas,” Jason said shaking her hand.

“Goodnight Michaela. Merry Christmas,” Ben simply said avoiding her eyes.

* * *

“Ma, Andrew, Brian and I will clean up down here,” Colleen offered noticing the exhausted expression on her mother’s face. “Why don’t you put Katie and Joey to bed and turn in yourself?”

“Thank you Colleen, I will put the children to bed, but I’ll come back downstairs to help you. There’s far too much to be done.” Michaela walked into the living room and saw Katie sitting by the fire engrossed in the book Colleen had given her for Christmas and Josef was staring out the window. Michaela knew he was still hoping his father would come home. “Children, time for bed.”

“I want to read more Mama,” Katie pleaded.

“All right. You may read while I put Josef to bed, but then it’s bedtime for you too young lady.”

“Okay,” Katie replied engrossed in her new book.

Michaela quietly approached her son at the window. “Josef, it’s time for bed.” She rubbed his back lovingly, knowing he was still waiting for Sully.

“No.” he whined. “I’m waiting for Papa,” the little boy told her while continuing to stare out the window.

“Papa’s not coming home sweetheart. Even if he were on his way, he’d never make it home tonight with all this snow. Now let me take you upstairs to bed,” his mother urged as she started to pick him up.

“No,” Josef cried holding onto the windowsill.

Michaela gently pried Josef’s hands away from the windowsill and lifted him into her arms. She carried him up to his room as he cried on her shoulder. When they were in his room, she changed him into his pajamas and laid him down on the bed.

“I want Papa,” the little boy cried into his mother’s hair.

“I know sweetheart. I’m sorry he’s not here. I’m sure he wanted to be,” Michaela comforted as she held and rocked her weeping son. She held Josef for a long time until his crying started to ebb.

“I hate Papa,” the little boy angrily stated.

“Don’t say that Josef. It’s not acceptable to hate anyone. And you don’t hate your father,” she gently told him. Michaela would have done anything at that moment to take away his pain.

“I do hate Papa,” he demanded. “He don’t love us no more. He went away and never came home.”

Michaela’s heart was breaking at seeing her son so distraught. “Josef, the one thing I do know is that your father loves you very much.” She held Josef until he fell asleep then she gently placed him under the covers. She sat on the edge of the bed watching him sleep assuring herself that he was resting comfortably. “Sully, I’m not going to let you hurt him like this again,” she whispered.

Michaela left Josef’s room and returned downstairs for Katie. At seeing her mother, the little girl closed her book and took her mother’s hand to go up the stairs.

“Can I sleep with my new quilt?” Katie asked as she was getting ready for bed.

“Of course,” her mother answered placing the quilt on the bed.

“Is Joey gonna be okay?” Katie asked.

“Yes, sweetheart. He had his hopes set on Papa coming home today,” she patiently replied. “Are you all right?” Katie hadn’t said a word about her father all day.

“Yes,” the little girl bravely replied, her lip trembling.

Michaela brought her into her arms. “Katie, it’s all right to be upset. I know you miss your father. You don’t have to be brave for Joey and I.”

Katie started to cry into her mother’s chest. “I’m scared,” she choked out.

“What are you scared of sweetheart?” Michaela asked rubbing her back.

Katie looked up at her mother. “I’m scared I won’t see Papa again. And…and that he don’t love us anymore,” she cried.

“Katie, your father loves you so much. You’ll see him again, I promise. I don’t know when, but you will see him again,” Michaela assured. She knew Sully loved the children and would never abandon them, especially knowing his history with his own parents. Michaela placed Katie under her new quilt and watched as she drifted off to sleep.

Eventually, she climbed back down the stairs to help clean up from Christmas day. Her children had everything well under control. As she helped them put away the dishes, Brian turned to her. “How’s Joey?” he asked worried.

“He’s very upset,” she replied. “I’m never going to forgive Sully for doing this to them.”

Brian didn’t know what to do. He was angry with Sully, but he was more worried about his mother and younger siblings. “Can I do anything, Ma?”

Michaela shook her head. “Why don’t you go up to bed? I’ll finish down here.”

“All right,” Brian agreed.

“I’ll go up too,” Andrew echoed. “Goodnight Michaela.”

“Goodnight Brian, Andrew,” she replied.

Colleen turned to her husband. “I’m going to stay downstairs with Ma a little longer. I’ll be up shortly.”

Michaela made some tea and she and Colleen sat in front of the fire. “How’s Joey? He was so upset,” Colleen sympathized.

“Yes, he was. He was so sure Sully would be home for Christmas that I’m afraid his world crashed down tonight. I think the next few days are going to be a difficult time for him,” Michaela responded. “I never thought I’d be explaining to him why his father keeps disappointing him. I never thought Sully could ever hurt us like this.”

“How’s Katie?”

“She was quite upset when I put her to bed,” Michaela told her. “They both think Sully doesn’t love them anymore. I know that’s not the case. But Josef is more distraught. He’s more sensitive than Katie and he feels things much more deeply, much like Sully.” Michaela paused and sipped her tea. “One thing I am certain of is that Sully’s disappearance hasn’t been good for either child.”

“Or for you Ma,” Colleen rejoined.

“No. You’re right.” Michaela fought to hold back her tears. “I thought Sully would be home for Christmas too. It really never occurred to me that we’d be apart today. I couldn’t allow myself to see how wrong things were between us. I don’t know why he won’t come home.” Michaela stood and put her cup on the mantle, her back to her daughter.

Colleen didn’t know what to say. “I’m sure he will Ma. I don’t think he would just leave. Maybe he’s hurt and can’t get word to us.”

This excuse was wearing thin on Michaela. “Matthew and I wired all the doctors and sheriff’s offices between Colorado Springs and the reservation. If he was hurt or even passed through one of those towns, someone would have gotten word to us by now.” She paused as another thought occurred to her. “I suppose it’s possible he was hurt and no one found him.” She shuttered at the thought. “More than likely he’s decided to stay with the Cheyenne.”

“I can’t believe this happened. I’m so sorry,” Colleen said.

“I would never have believed it was possible for Sully to disappear like this, not after all this time together and all we’ve been through,” Michaela said steadying herself against the mantle. “But what other explanation is there for being gone for over three months without a word? Not one word Colleen,” she choked out. The composure Michaela managed to maintain in front of her family was cracking. “What am I going to do?” She buried her head in her hands, leaning against the mantle.

Colleen had no answers and she was at a loss of words to comfort her mother. She stood and put her arms around her. Michaela embraced her daughter and cried on her shoulder.

It was several minutes before Michaela stopped crying. She began to walk around downstairs locking the doors and extinguishing the lamps. Colleen carried their cups into the kitchen. After a while Colleen worked up the courage to ask her mother a question that was on her mind all evening. “Who’s Ben, Ma?”

Michaela was taken aback. “Why do you ask that? Ben is Jason’s brother and my friend,” she simply replied.

“It looks like he’s interested in you as more than a friend,” Colleen tentatively suggested.

“Don’t be silly,” Michaela remarked. “Ben knows I’m married and he knows how I feel about Sully. We enjoy each other’s company and helping him with his work keeps me close to Sully,” she explained hoping to put an end to the discussion.

“Do you think it’s wise to spend so much time with Ben until you and Pa figure out what you’re going to do?” Colleen suggested. Her daughter was wise beyond her years, and knew her mother better than most.

Michaela was growing uncomfortable. “Sully’s not here Colleen and frankly, I don’t know what I would have done without Ben’s friendship these past few months.”

Michaela thought back to this evening. She was exhausted and as much as she tried to control her emotions, she couldn’t do it any longer. She was grateful to be able to share some of what she was feeling with Ben. “Was Colleen right?” she thought. “Did Ben have feelings for me? It felt good to be held and comforted. That’s all it was, a friend comforting another friend.” How did she feel? Michaela knew she felt incredible hurt and loneliness right now. But how did she feel about Ben? “I’m grateful Ben’s here for me, that’s all,” she said to herself.

“Colleen, it’s late. We should go upstairs to sleep,” Michaela said heading for the stairs.

“Goodnight, Ma,” Colleen replied wondering whether she would be able to sleep tonight. She was so worried about her mother and younger siblings.

Back in her bedroom, Michaela changed into her nightgown and sat in front of the mirror brushing her hair. “You can’t be gone,” she said into the mirror, tears streaming down her face. Again she was replaying his words to her before he left. “I’m not happy. Take care of yourself and the children.” The same words had been echoing in her mind for months. “Never forget I love you,” she remembered him saying the night before he left. “How could I forget unless he wasn’t going to be here to remind me? Oh, Sully, what are you doing to us?” Michaela crawled into bed, wrapped her arms around Sully’s pillow and wept.

* * *

Michaela woke the next morning, her head throbbing and her eyes bloodshot. She started to get up then fell back onto the bed. “I can’t do this anymore,” she said. “It hurts too much.” Michaela told herself she needed to maintain her composure through Christmas. She needed to be strong for the children. Now that Christmas was over and Sully still wasn’t home, she had lost her strength, and her hope. Overwhelmed with feelings of loss and despair, she wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.

“Ma,” Michaela heard on the other side of the door.

“Why can’t I be left alone,” she thought. “Brian, I’m not feeling well,” she spoke to the door. “Could you please take Katie and Josef into town for a while?”

“Sure. Do you need anything? Do you want me to bring Jason out?” he asked sensing she probably just needed to be alone. Sully hadn’t come home. It’s what they all held their hopes on and it didn’t happen. Brian knew he was angry. But he knew his mother was feeling much worse.

“No. I just need to sleep,” she weakly responded. She didn’t want to talk. She didn’t want to do anything.

“All right. We’ll see you later,” he replied.

Michaela stared at the ceiling. Tears that never seemed to end streamed down her face. After several hours she got up and looked around the room. Her wedding picture was prominently displayed on the dresser next to Katie and Josef’s christening pictures. “I was never happier than the day I married you,” she told Sully’s picture. “Why are you giving up on us?” She walked over to the bed, running her hand over the intricately carved headboard. This was the bed Sully carved with his own hands as a wedding present, reminding her how much he loved her each time she looked at it. It was the bed where she gave herself completely to him for the first time and experienced a passion she never even knew existed. Nothing had prepared her for the intensity of making love with Sully. “How can I sleep here again?” she said to his empty side of the bed. She walked over to their wardrobe. Opening it she saw Sully’s clothes - his shirts, his buckskin pants, and a buckskin jacket. She pulled them out, wrapping herself in the jacket. She carried the shirts over to the rug by the fire and she sat down, clutching her wedding picture in her hand. She pulled his clothes around her, smelling his scent and letting her tears fall on his shirts.

“I can’t live without you,” she said into the fire.

Chapter Fourteen

“Ma, are you going to the clinic?” Brian asked standing outside Michaela’s bedroom door.

There was no answer.

“Ma, it’s Brian,” he repeated.

“I’m not going to the clinic today,” she weakly replied.

“Colleen and Andrew are leavin’ at noon remember? Aren’t you coming with us to the train station to see them off?”

“I can’t Brian. Please, I’m so tired.”

“Do you want me to bring up breakfast before we go?” he offered.

“No, thank you.”

Brian wanted to do something, anything to help her feel better. “I can run you a warm bath if ya want.”

“I need to sleep,” she replied with irritation, wanting nothing more than to be left alone.

Staring at the door, Brian considered going inside and forcing his mother to get up and move on with her life. She had a family who loved her and two small children who shouldn’t lose a mother when they may have already lost a father. But Matthew and Colleen had told him that she needed to be left alone for a time to grieve. To protect her they had told everyone in town that she had become ill after Christmas and would be staying home for a week or more.

Brian noticed Colleen coming up the stairs, presumably to say goodbye. “She won’t come out,” he whispered.

Colleen rested her hand on her brother’s shoulder. “Let’s leave her alone now. She has to do this in her own way,” she counseled.

“I’m not sure we should leave her alone,” he protested.

“We should. Just for a little while longer,” she replied as she pressed against her mother’s door to say goodbye. “Ma, we’re leaving. I wanted to say goodbye.”

At first there was no response, then they heard a muffled voice. “Goodbye, Colleen. I’m sorry I can’t go to the station.”

“That’s all right. Feel better. I’ll write soon,” she said as she gently touched Brian’s arm indicating they should leave. As they turned away from the bedroom, they noticed Katie at the top of the stairs.

Katie motioned for Colleen come closer so she could whisper in her ear. Colleen knelt down in front of her sister and turned her ear to the little girl’s mouth.

“When’s Mama gonna get better?” Katie whispered. “I’m scared.”

Colleen’s eyes filled with tears and she reached out to hug her little sister. “She’ll be all right. She’s just sad right now. Let’s all go downstairs.”

As the three of them began to descend the stairs, Brian vowed to speak with Miss Dorothy this afternoon. After all, she was his Ma’s most trusted friend, and perhaps the only person who could get through to her now.

* * *

“Brian, it’s good to see you,” Dorothy said as Brian entered the Gazette having just seen Colleen and Andrew off. “How’s your ma?”

“Miss Dorothy, I need your help with something,” Brian said anxiously.

“My help? With what?”

“You can’t tell anyone,” he stressed with a serious expression.

“All right Brian, sit down. Tell me what’s wrong,” she said as she motioned for him to sit across from her at the desk.

“It’s Ma,” he began.

“I heard she had taken ill,” Dorothy said sympathetically.

“She’s not sick. I mean not in the way we said. Ever since Christmas she won’t leave her room,” Brian revealed.

At these words Dorothy knew her true aliment. “Sully’s still not back,” she stated.

Brian nodded. “We don’t know now if he’s comin’ back and Ma’s takin’ it real hard. She won’t eat. She sleeps all the time, and most nights we can hear her crying on the other side of the door.”

“Oh, dear.”

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” Brian said as he stood and walked to the window.

“I expected her to be devastated if Sully wasn’t home by Christmas, but it’s been over a week,” she said as she absently straightened some papers on her desk. “How can I help?”

Brian leaned his palms on the desk in front of Dorothy. “I was hopin’ you’d come out to the house and talk to her. Try to get her to see that we all love her and that she’s gonna be okay,” he pleaded as his voice cracked.

“Of course she’s going to be all right. She’s just hurting right now. She loves Sully so much,” she told him patting his hand.

“I know.” Brian slumped back down in the chair. “Colleen and Matthew said we have to let her get through this in her own way, but I’m scared. Katie and Josef are hurting too. They need her. I’m trying to take care of them, but they need Ma. Josef hardly speaks to anyone and Katie hears Ma crying and she’s scared.”

“Keep doing what you’re doing and I’ll ride out there tomorrow and try to talk to her. But I agree with Matthew, we need to give her time to come to terms with all of this.” Dorothy stood and walked around to the other side of the desk, placing her arm around his shoulder. “She’ll see what she has to do. Don’t worry.”

“Why did Sully do this, Miss Dorothy?” he asked in frustration.

“I don’t know Brian. I suppose we’re all going to have to wait for him to come home to find out.”

“What if he doesn’t come home?”

“I believe he will. I don’t think he’d leave his children. Until then, we’ll all have to help Michaela through this. Your ma’s awfully lucky to have you, you know,” she said reassuringly patting his shoulder.

Brian turned in his chair and hugged her. “Thank you Miss Dorothy. Please don’t tell anyone about Ma.”

“I won’t.”

* * *

“I know what people are sayin’ Matthew, but I don’t believe it,” Robert E. said shaking his head.

“I think it’s time we all accept it, for Dr. Mike,” Matthew urged.

“Sully’d never do that,” he stressed as he wiped his brow. “He loves her and those kids. I know Sully’s not seemed himself lately and he’s been gone a long time, but walkin out ain’t his way.”

“I didn’t wanna believe it either, but how do you explain bein’ gone for almost four months without a word?”

“Maybe he’s hurt. Have ya thought a that,” Robert E. shot back.

“Course we thought of that. We wired the doctors in all the towns between here and there and no one’s seen ‘im.”

“Then there’s got to be another explanation.”

“I hope you’re right, but now Dr. Mike needs our support. She’s takin’ this real hard.” Matthew shifted his feet uncomfortably. “I wanted to ask if you and Grace would keep an eye on her when she’s in town and make sure people stop askin’ her about Sully.”

Robert E. nodded. “We’ll help any way we can Matthew.”

Grace approached Robert E. with a hot cup of coffee and she overheard their last words. “Don’t you worry, Matthew. We’ll all look after Dr. Mike and those kids. Sully’s not right in the head I tell ya. Ta go off like that without a word and worryin’ everyone half ta death.”

“Thanks Robert E., Grace,” he answered as he left the livery and walked back toward his office.

Just across the way Jake, Loren and Hank stood outside the Gold Nugget discussing Michaela and Sully.

“I think we gotta face facts. Sully ain’t comin’ back,” Jake said leaning against a post.

“Don’t be so sure,” Hank remarked puffing on his cigar.

“I thought you’d be sayin’ ‘told ya so.’ Don’t tell me ya gone soft on Dr. Mike and Sully,” Jake chided.

“I ain’t gone soft, Jake,” Hank returned as he knocked ash off his cigar. “When they got married I never thought it’d last. Didn’t think Sully could be tied down ta one place. But it seemed ta work, ‘til lately. And ya know how Sully feels about them kids.”

“Then why’d he leave in the first place?” Jake challenged.

“You know how Sully is. Somethin’ bothers him and he goes off by himself for a while,” Hank suggested taking another puff of the cigar.

“Yeah, I know,” Loren drawled. “But he shouldn’t be gone so long. It ain’t right.”

“He’s been gone a long time,” Jake reminded them. “Besides, he let folks down. He was gonna build onto my house and other folks in town were countin’ on him to do work for them this winter. There’s gonna be a lot of angry folks if he does come back.”

“You never even asked Sully ta build onto your house,” Loren reminded him. “Ya can’t be angry with him for not doin’ somethin’ he didn’t agree ta do.”

“Sully always helps out around town when his survey work slows down for the winter. Folks is gonna be mad is all,” Jake suggested.

“Probably none madder than Michaela,” Hank surmised.

“Sully might really have done it this time,” Loren remarked.

“If he comes back, it might not be the homecomin’ he’s hopin’ for,” Jake said with a smirk on his face.

“It’s her own fault, I tell ya. Michaela shoulda gotten herself a real man instead of fallin’ for some half-breed,” Hank added.

“My sentiments exactly, gentlemen,” Preston said having overheard their conversation as he walked by the Gold Nugget. “Michaela should be happy he’s gone. Face it. Sully was just a phase for Michaela. Now she can find a more suitable husband.”

“A phase? They been married almost ten years,” Loren retorted shaking his head.

“Yes. Sully represented a rebellion from the wealth and privilege of Michaela’s youth, but she was never going to settle for him forever,” Preston pompously explained. “It seems the novelty wore off. Sully’s probably out in the woods somewhere licking his wounds. Soon you’ll see Michaela about town with someone more suitable to her breeding.”

“Someone like you, ya mean?” Hank challenged.

“Open your eyes gentlemen. It seems Michaela and Ben Morrison are quite taken with each other,” Preston said with obvious delight.

Hank and Jake shared a worried glance. Preston didn’t know what he was talking about when it came to Michaela and Sully, but they did notice the amount of time she spent with Ben.

“Ah Jake, Preston, leave Dr. Mike alone,” Loren drawled. “She and Sully were happy. Maybe we don’t know what really happened. If it’s true he left, I’m just sorry to see those kids growin’ up without a Pa. They don’t deserve that.”

* * *

The blizzard was finally over. In it’s wake, it left behind over four feet of snow on the ground. Snowdrifts from the blistering winds formed a seven-foot high wall in front of the cabin. Having run out of food and wood a day ago, Sully was feeling sapped of energy. He mustered enough strength to trudge through the barricade of snow to the primitive barn, relieved to see his horse had weathered the storm. Inside the barn, he found an old, rusty shovel and he spent the day digging out of the cabin. Night had fallen, and he decided it would be best to head home at first light. Home. He would finally be going home. His days trapped in the cabin made him long to be home, long to see his children, and most of all, to be in Michaela’s arms again.

Looking out at the mountains of snow he slammed his fist against the door in frustration. “It’s gonna take forever ta get home in this,” he sighed. Riding would be slow, as his horse would have to plow a path through the snow. He hoped the storm was mostly north and traveling would get easier as he headed toward Colorado Springs. Sully knew he was at least a couple of weeks from home, probably longer because of the weather. But he couldn’t wait. At first light he would mount his horse and they would plod their way through the snow to the nearest town. There he would mail his letters and send a telegram telling Michaela he was on his way.

* * *

Michaela awoke with her usual headache, knowing she should get up, but couldn’t. It hurt too much to do anything except sleep. If she closed her eyes, she could imagine this was only a bad dream and when she awoke in the morning Sully would be sleeping soundly next to her. But every morning she would awaken and look for him, and his side of the bed would be empty. Every night since Christmas she had fallen asleep on the floor of her bedroom surrounded by his clothes, not wanting to sleep in her bed without him. This morning as she looked up at his empty side of the bed, she rolled over and tried to go back to sleep.

“Michaela.” Dorothy knocked on her bedroom door. Hearing no answer, she slowly turned the knob and entered the room. She let out a soft gasp when she saw Michaela asleep on the floor curled up by the fire. She entered the room and knelt down beside her on the floor. “Michaela,” she whispered.

Michaela’s stirred. Her eyes fluttered then narrowed as she tried to focus. “I don’t want company right now Dorothy,” she said in a weak voice.

Dorothy was shocked by her appearance. She was in her nightgown, her eyes glazed over, her face pale, and she had lost noticeable weight on her already slim figure. Sully’s clothes were all around her on the floor, and her hand was clutching their wedding picture. “Michaela, what are you doing on the floor?”

“I can’t sleep there,” she said looking at the bed.

“Why on earth not?”

“I just can’t,” she choked out.

Dorothy reached for her hand. “You need to get up. It’s time.” She paused to let her words sink in. “I know you’re hurting, but you have two small children who need you right now, not to mention three older ones who are desperately worried,” she said guardedly observing her.

Michaela stared blankly into the fire. “I can’t.”

“Of course you can. The first thing we’re going to do is get you up and dressed then you’re going to eat something. You’re much too thin,” Dorothy said as she placed her arms under Michaela’s and urged her to stand.

“Stop it Dorothy!” she snapped pulling her arms away. “I don’t want to get up. I want to be left alone!”

“I’m not leaving you alone, Michaela. We’ve left you alone long enough.”

“Please. Just let me sleep. It doesn’t hurt so much when I’m sleeping.” Michaela lay back on the floor and buried her face in Sully’s clothes, closing her eyes.

Dorothy’s heart ached for her friend and she wasn’t sure what to do next.

“How is she?” Brian asked from the doorway instantly alarmed at the sight before him.

Dorothy shook her head. Brian walked into the room and sat down next to his mother. “Ma, please get up. Katie and Joey are home from school. They really wanna see you. They need you,” he spoke softly.

Michaela sat up and put her head in her hands. “Brian, I’m sorry I’m being such a terrible mother.”

“You’re not a terrible mother,” he reassured as he took her hand. “You’re sad now and that’s all right. But you’ll be okay in time. Look at Matthew, Horace and Grace.”

“Horace never got over Myra,” she asserted as tears threatened to fall.

“Maybe you won’t ever get over Sully, Ma. But you will go to work, you will take care of Katie and Josef, and you will smile again. I’ll make sure of that. We all will because we love you,” he assured.

“I don’t think so,” she murmured.

Brian and Dorothy exchanged a worried glance. “Brian’s right, Michaela. It will get easier,” she promised.

“I can’t do it Dorothy. I can’t go to town, to the clinic, anywhere. Everything reminds me of Sully. I can’t believe this happened,” she said as the tears rolled down her face.

“It’ll be okay, Ma,” Brian said placing his hand on her back.

“I never thought Sully could stop loving me,” she said as heavy sobs wracked her body.

“I don’t believe he stopped loving you,” Dorothy countered.

“Mama,” Katie called running into her room and throwing her arms around her. She hadn’t seen her door open in over a week.

“Katie,” Michaela hugged her daughter. “Where’s your brother?”

“In his room,” she said clinging to her mother’s nightgown.

“I’ll go see how he’s doin’,” Brian announced.

“Mama, are you sick?” Katie asked hugging her mother tightly.

“In a way, Katie. I need to rest to regain my strength,” she carefully explained.

“Are you sad because Papa’s not home,” the bright child perceived.

“Yes,” she whispered as she embraced her daughter.

Katie thought of the words her mother told her when she was sad. “Papa loves you Mama,” she innocently told her.

Michaela had a lump in her throat. “Oh, Katie, I love you so much,” she said hugging her tightly and stroking her blonde curls.

“Mama, please get better. Don’t leave us like Papa.”

Michaela’s heart was breaking. Even though her own pain was unbearable, she knew she had to compose herself. Dorothy was right…it was time. It was time she got up for the sake of her children. “I’ll get better Katie, I promise. Starting now.”

* * *

“Sorry mister, wires are down straight through to Colorado,” the telegraph operator told Sully.

“I’ve got to send a telegram to my family,” he stressed as he leaned over the desk. “I was s’posed ta be home for Christmas and had to hold up in a cabin to wait out the blizzard.”

“Yeah, this blizzard’s the worst we’ve had in fifty years. Knocked all the wires down. They won’t be back up for weeks. I’m sorry mister.”

“Weeks,” Sully repeated in disbelief. “Can I post these letters? Maybe they’ll get there faster than I can.”

“Doubt it. The stage ain’t comin’ ‘til the roads clear. I’m real sorry, but you’ll get there faster than any of these,” he said looking at the letters. “Your best chance is just ta keep ridin’.”

“That’s gonna take weeks. I need to let my family know I’m comin’ home now,” he implored. “They’re gonna worry.”

“There ain’t nothin’ I can do mister,” he said feeling sorry for this stranger. Suddenly something about him caught his eye. It was his clothes. “There’s somethin’ real familiar ‘bout you,” he said eyeing Sully carefully. “I know. Some folks in Colorado were lookin’ for you.”

“Ya sure it’s me?”

“Yeah. Let me see.” The telegraph operator rifled through some papers. “Here it is. Are you Byron Sully?”

Sully grew uncomfortable. “Yeah, I’m Sully. Who’s lookin’ for me?”

“It says here Dr. Quinn and Matthew Cooper wired about a month ago to see if anyone seen ya.” The telegraph operator scanned the telegrams. “They wired the doc in case you were hurt. I’m real sorry mister. Looks like your family’s real worried about ya. I wish I could send that telegram for ya.”

Sully paced a few steps away. He had to get word, but there didn’t seem to be a way. He felt guilty that he caused everyone to worry, but he felt hopeful too. Michaela was looking for him. Now he was sure everything would work out once he got home. “I’ll write the telegram anyway and you can hold onto it and send it when the wires go up. I’ll keep ridin’ and one way or another, one of us will get there.” Sully reached into his pocket for some coins.

“That won’t be necessary.” The telegraph operator wouldn’t accept his money. “I’m supposed to wire Colorado Springs if I see ya anyway. So that’s what I’ll do when the wires are fixed. I’m real sorry about this mister.”

Sully put the coins back in his pocket, placed the letters in his bag and wrote out a telegram to Michaela. “See that ya send this the minute the wires are up.”

“I will,” he said as he accepted the telegram.

“Thank you.” Sully left the telegraph office and mounted his horse.

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