For personal use and select distribution only © by Judy A. June 2002

Where We Belong
by Judy A.

Chapter Fifteen

Michaela was nervous about returning to the clinic. Over two weeks had passed since Christmas and in that time she wasn’t eating properly and she was tired all the time. Her head throbbed so much from crying herself to sleep every night that she wondered what it might feel like to wake up without a headache. Still, she needed to be back at work. Keeping busy would help take her mind off Sully and why he hadn’t come home.

The ride from the homestead to the clinic was filled with reminders of Sully, and returning to town was much more difficult than she anticipated. She couldn’t look anywhere without seeing images of their life together - their first kiss under the clinic sign, the meadow where they got married and where they shared Sunday picnics after church, the school he helped build when Brian had his operation, and the woods where they shared adventure and heartache. This was where they fell in love and became a family. Seeing it all without him by her side was more painful than she could bear.

“Dr. Mike,” Loren called out from the mercantile. “Dr. Mike.”

Michaela saw Loren waving to get her attention. “Loren, I’m sorry I didn’t hear you.”

“Are you all right Dr. Mike?” he asked noticing her ashen complexion and hollow eyes. “I’ve been calling to you for the past few minutes. It’ll be good to have ya back at the clinic.”

“I’m fine, Loren. What can I do for you?” she asked wearily.

“Your medical supplies are in and I know how anxious you’ve been to get that new equipment you ordered.” In recent years Loren had come to think of Michaela as a daughter, and while he knew everyone was saying Sully had left her, he couldn’t accept it. There had to be another explanation.

“Thank you, Loren. I’ll have Matthew bring them by later,” she responded without meeting his eyes.

Michaela headed toward the clinic and she noticed Jason outside waiting to greet her.

“Good morning Dr. Mike. I hope you’re feeling better,” he said concerned about her obvious loss of weight and fragile appearance.

“Good morning Jason,” Michaela replied forcing a smile. “Thank you for taking care of the clinic these past two weeks. I hope it wasn’t too busy.”

“No, it wasn’t too bad, but I’m glad you’re back,” he replied earnestly. “We have some time before the first patients arrive to review the cases from the past two weeks.”

Jason and Michaela spent the morning reviewing files and treating a steady stream of patients. It was difficult for her to concentrate and she was glad no one had anything serious.

“Welcome back,” Ben greeted as he poked his head in the clinic.

Michaela turned around, surprised to see him. “Ben. What are you doing here?”

“We’re going to lunch,” he said shocked by her appearance.

“I’m sorry. I can’t,” she replied looking away.

He walked over and took her hand. “Of course you can,” he urged. “It’s lunchtime and you need to regain your strength. You’ve been sick remember?”

“I’m not in the mood for company,” she admitted as she arranged her instruments on the table, her eyes lowered to the floor.

“That’s okay. We’ll just sit in silence. You don’t have to talk. We both have to eat. Can’t eat and talk at the same time…it gets messy,” he jested patting her arm.

Michaela smiled for the first time in weeks. “I suppose,” she agreed thinking it might be good for her to go out to lunch. Michaela and Ben exited the clinic and walked toward Grace’s café for lunch.

“Good Afternoon Dr. Mike, Ben,” Grace said showing them to a table. “What can I get ya?”

“I’ll have your fried chicken today,” he replied pulling out the chair for Michaela.

“I’ll just have some soup,” she said not greeting Grace with her usual smile.

“No you won’t Michaela. Grace, bring us two chicken specials.”

“I…”

“I’m worried about you,” Ben interrupted her. “You’ve been sick and you’re too thin. You’ve got to eat more than soup Michaela.”

Grace smiled at Ben, and for the first time she was glad he was there for her. Then she hurried off to serve another customer.

Michaela looked down at the table while twisting the corner of the tablecloth with her fingers. “Ben, I wasn’t sick. Not physically anyway,” she admitted.

“What do you mean? Brian said…”

“I know what Brian said,” Michaela interrupted, “but I don’t want to lie to you.”

Ben’s eyes narrowed. “I’ll listen if you want to talk about it.”

“I can’t talk about it.”

Ben knew she was upset about Sully. “It might help to talk about it.” Ben’s eyes roamed across the crowded café. “But not here. We should bring the food back to the clinic,” he suggested assuring their privacy.

Michaela gave him a slight nod in approval.

After Grace had wrapped up their lunches to go, they walked in silence back to the clinic. Jason was seeing patients outside of town and the next patient wasn’t due for another hour. Once inside, they hung up their coats and placed the lunch on the desk. Ben pulled the chair of Michaela’s desk out for her to sit down and he sat across from her.

“Now what did you want to tell me?” he gently asked.

She took a deep breath. “I really expected Sully to be home for Christmas,” she began.

“I know,” Ben said.

“Focusing on that was how I survived the time he was gone. When he didn’t come home on Thanksgiving and then on Josef’s birthday, I kept telling myself he would be home for Christmas. Then when he didn’t, I was devastated,” she said pausing to take a sip of coffee. “All the strength I mustered to get through those months disappeared. The pain was so unbearable that I needed to be alone. Matthew and Brian were trying to protect me by telling everyone I was sick.”

“They love you Michaela and they’re worried about you. So am I,” he said as he reached across the desk for her hand.

Michaela swallowed hard. “It’s hard to get up in the morning. It’s hard to do anything except sleep. When I sleep it doesn’t hurt so much,” she admitted choking back tears.

Ben nodded sympathetically. “When Rose passed on I found it easier to be numb. At first I slept all the time. Jason called it melancholia. Then I drank too much to dull the pain. But eventually I realized that I couldn’t drown my sorrows in whiskey forever. I stopped drinking and I haven’t had a drop since. After a while I focused all my energy on work.”

“Before I met Sully, my fiancé David was presumed dead in the war. I thought I could never feel as much pain as when they told me he was dead. But the pain I feel now is so much worse. I never loved anyone the way I love Sully.”

He squeezed her hand. “I’m sorry Michaela.”

She drew in her breath. “I never thought Sully could hurt me like this. I wish you could have known him. He’s the kindest, most compassionate man I’ve ever known and he understands me in a way no one ever has. He was always taking care of me and he knew what I needed even before I did. He challenged me when I needed it and comforted me when I was hurting.” Michaela paused to wipe her tears. “He’s the most wonderful father. Pa was Katie’s first word. He would do anything for the children. I don’t understand how this could have happened. The Sully I married would be devastated if he could see how much his children are hurting.”

“And how much you’re hurting Michaela,” he contended as he gazed into her sad eyes. “Maybe there’s another explanation for why he’s been gone so long,” Ben offered stroking her hand with his thumb.

“Sully’s still not home, Ben, and part of me isn’t sure he’s coming home. But another part of me can’t accept that. I know he was distant and withdrawn before he left, and he wouldn’t talk to me, but I always believed we could get through anything together. The Sully I knew could never do this. Regardless of what was happening between us, he’d never leave the children.” She hesitated and lowered her voice. “And I didn’t think he could leave me. But why would he be gone all these months without a word unless he was telling me he was giving up? None of this makes any sense,” she said with her emotions in turmoil.

“Michaela, it seems you’re going to have to wait for Sully to tell you what’s going on.”

“How long am I supposed to wait?” she asked straightening in her chair. “I’m not even sure what I’m waiting for. As much as I need to understand how this could have happened, it doesn’t change the fact that Sully still hurt and disappointed us in a way I never thought possible. I honestly don’t know what I’d do if he walked through the door right now. I gave him my heart, I trusted him, and now he’s shattered that trust.”

“Michaela, as hard as this is, you can only take it one day at a time. You need to take care of Katie and Josef just like you’ve been doing and you need to be at the clinic. In time, everything else will fall into place.”

“I hope so,” Michaela said and silently began to eat her lunch.

* * *

“What seems to be the problem, Horace?” Michaela asked as he stepped into the clinic.

Horace shifted his feet. “I’m not sure, Dr. Mike. I’m feelin’ poorly,” he said not making eye contact.

“Is your gout acting up?” she queried.

“No.”

“Do you have a headache?” she persisted.

“No.” He looked down.

“Is it your stomach?”

“No.” Horace grew increasingly uncomfortable.

“Let me listen to your lungs,” she told him as she walked to the other side of the examination room for her stethoscope.

“Uh…Dr. Mike,” he stammered as he sat down on the examination table.

“Yes, Horace,” Michaela replied as Horace took a deep breath.

Horace exhaled. “How are you?”

“I’m fine Horace, and you?”

“I’m all right,” he replied. “I just wanted you to know…well…”

“What is it Horace?” Michaela gently encouraged sensing he had more on his mind.

“Well…I’m real sorry about Sully,” he finished at last.

Michaela stiffened. “Thank you for your concern,” she quickly replied. “Now take another deep breath,” she instructed.

Horace breathed in and out as instructed. “Dr. Mike, I think I understand how you’re feelin’ more than most. If you ever need anything just let me know.” Horace wanted to help Michaela. Her support had been so important to him after Myra and Samantha left, and he wanted to return the kindness. He owed her his help. He owed her his life.

Michaela softened. “Thank you again for your concern, Horace, but you needn’t worry about me,” she insisted finding the comparison of hers and Sully’s relationship to that of Horace and Myra’s painful. “You don’t appear to have anything wrong. If you continue to feel ill please come see me again.”

Horace left the clinic and noticed Loren sitting on the bench outside.

“Horace, are ya sick?” Loren asked curious.

Horace looked down. “I was feelin’ poorly, but Dr. Mike says nothin’s wrong. Are you sick, Loren?”

Loren looked away. “It’s my back. It’s actin’ up again.”

“Loren Bray, I ain’t seen your back actin’ up in months,” Dorothy challenged as she walked toward the bench.

“Well…it was stiff this mornin’,” Loren answered defensively. “Thought Dr. Mike should take a look at it.”

Dorothy smiled. “I know what you’re up to Loren Bray and I think it’s sweet.”

“I ain’t doin’ nothin’ but seein’ the doc about my back,” he gruffly retorted.

“I think you’re seein’ how Michaela’s getting along. I did the same thing earlier and so did Grace,” she explained taking a seat on the bench.

“She don’t look too good Miss Dorothy,” Horace commented.

“I know,” Dorothy agreed. “She taking Sully’s…” she struggled for the word… “absence hard. It’s good she has so many people in town who care about her. Michaela needs her friends now more than ever.”

“Seems she’s only interested in one friend,” Loren spoke disapprovingly.

“I’m glad she has a friend like Ben to help her through this. She needs someone to talk to. It’s easier for her to talk to Ben since he doesn’t know Sully and didn’t watch them get together like we all did,” Dorothy explained.

“I don’t know, Dorothy,” Loren countered. “It ain’t right her spendin’ so much time with him. She’s still married to Sully. What’s gonna happen when Sully comes home?”

“It don’t look like Sully is comin’ home,” Horace put in. “I know things woulda been easier on me when Myra left if I didn’t feel so alone.”

“I ain’t blind Dorothy. That Ben fella wants more than friendship from Dr. Mike,” Loren stated sharply.

Dorothy nodded. “You might be right Loren, but Ben’s a good man. He knows Michaela’s not ready for more than friendship. She won’t be for a long time I imagine.”

“I better be gettin’ back to the telegraph,” Horace told them as he walked away from the clinic.

“I gotta go see Dr. Mike,” Loren announced stepping inside the clinic leaving Dorothy on the porch outside.

“Loren, what brings you here?” Michaela was surprised to see so many of the townspeople at the clinic today.

“I brought gumdrops for Katie and Josef,” he told her handing her a bag. “I remember how much Brian loved them.”

Michaela smiled and accepted the bag. “Thank you, Loren.” She noticed Loren didn’t turn to leave. “Is there something else?”

“Well…my back’s actin’ up,” he said looking at the floor.

“Lie down on the examination table and let me take a look at it,” she spoke professionally.

“This sure is a lot ta go through to make sure Dr. Mike’s all right,” he thought as she poked and prodded his back. Occasionally Loren would let out a fake moan to indicate he was feeling pain.

“I can give you some tea to relax the muscles and I recommend you continue the exercises I advised,” she told him as he was buttoning his shirt.

In truth, Loren had been doing the exercises Michaela recommended for several years and noticed a remarkable decline in his back pain. Loren awkwardly stepped forward and patted her arm. “You take care of yourself, Dr. Mike,” he said as he left the clinic.

“Got a minute doc?” Hank said stepping into the clinic passing Loren on his way out.

Michaela turned around. “Hank, don’t tell me you’re sick too. I think I’ve seen half the town today,” she said eyeing him skeptically.

“Uhhh…my neck’s real stiff,” he replied as he studied her face. “Thought maybe you could take a look at it bein’ that you’re back and all.”

Michaela grinned. “Since when do you come to me for a stiff neck? It seems you have to be on your death bed to let me treat you,” she chided.

Hank shifted from one foot to the other. “Yeah, well…maybe I don’t wanna take any chances after that tick bite.”

“In that case, I’m glad you’ve come. A stiff neck is often a symptom of meningitis,” she patiently explained. “I think I should examine you.”

Hank sat uncomfortably on the examination table as she pointed a bright light in his eyes.

“Are your eyes sensitive to the light?” she asked.

“No.”

She placed her hand on his brow. “You don’t have a fever. It’s probably stiff from sleeping in the wrong position. You seem fine Hank.”

“You don’t Michaela,” Hank grimly said, catching her off guard as usual with his keen perception of her state of mind.

Michaela was taken aback and not sure how to respond. “I assure you I’m fine.”

“No you’re not, Michaela,” he retorted looking her in the eye. “We’ve all seen what’s goin’ on. Ain’t no one gonna say nothin’ but me. I know you don’t care much for me…fact is I can’t blame ya for that. But I ain’t one to hide what I think. I guess that’s one way you and me is alike. But I can see it in you Michaela, and you know I can. I can see ya ain’t fine.”

Michaela sighed and looked down. “You’re right Hank. I’m not. But I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Maybe ya came back ta work too soon?”

Michaela shook her head. “I need to keep busy,” she said as she began to rearrange her instruments, not wanting to have this conversation. “I don’t think as much when I’m busy.”

“Sully will be back ya know.”

Michaela sharply turned toward Hank with a shocked expression on her face. She was surprised he would try to reassure her and even more surprised at his defense of Sully. “Even if he comes home, Hank…”

“I know, I know. You can’t get back what ya lost.” Hank rose and headed for the door, pausing to add, “Zach taught me that.” And with that he said goodbye and left.

Michaela watched Hank leave. From the first day she met him, Hank could always get under her skin. He spoke his mind and then, just like now, when he confronted her, he was usually right. She wondered why he really came to the clinic this afternoon. It was her first day back and it seemed the entire town had come down with mysterious aches and pains. Grace had come in earlier complaining of a sore throat, but when Michaela saw her at lunch she appeared to be fully recovered. Dorothy’s symptoms included a stomachache that she had treated with bicarbonate. Even the Reverend had come by with a sore arm. Then there was Horace, Loren and Hank. There had been nothing wrong with any of them. Michaela was touched, but she hated to be the cause of everyone’s worry and she didn’t want their pity. She wished they all would go on with their own lives so she could go on with hers.

Chapter Sixteen

“Brian, what are you writing about?” Ben asked when he saw him hunched over the dining room table. As had become a routine for him lately, Ben was at the homestead for supper.

Brian looked up. “I’m not writin’ yet. I’m readin’ and takin’ notes about Jefferson Davis. Miss Dorothy says he’s comin’ to the Chateau for a few days and I wanna try and interview him.”

“Why would you want to interview him,” Ben said with disgust as he took a seat across from Brian.

“He was president of the Confederacy and Colorado Springs doesn’t get many famous people here. Even though I don’t agree with him, I’d like ta know his thoughts about things now. You teach about stuff you don’t agree with don’t ya Ben?” Brian asked putting down his pen.

“Yes,” he admitted. “Sometimes I think I teach the most about the parts of our history I abhor so we won’t repeat it again. Like slavery. I can’t understand a Senator being in favor of that.”

“I know, but wouldn’t ya like to understand why he thought what he thought?” Brian asked.

“I’ve read a lot of Jefferson Davis’s papers and I don’t agree with him about anything. But I suppose you’re right. It’s always good to get a first hand account. Why don’t we both try to interview him, if you don’t mind?” he suggested. Ben enjoyed spending time with Brian. He was inquisitive, open-minded and caring. He thought they would make a good team interviewing Jefferson Davis.

“I’d like that,” Brian readily agreed. “You know so much more about the period and you could really help me understand it all.”

“And you could keep me from assaulting him,” Ben remarked in jest. “I wonder if he still supports slavery?”

“What’s slavery?” Katie asked trying to understand what the adults were talking about.

Ben looked down at the little girl, speechless.

Brian lifted Katie into his lap and began. “Katie, I was about your age when I first learned about slavery. It’s when a man owns another man.”

“Like Mama and Papa own me and Joey?” she assumed.

Brian and Ben stifled a laugh. “No, Katie, Ma and Pa don’t own ya. When you grow up you can live wherever you want and do whatever you want. It’s not like that for slaves. When you’re a slave you work for someone, but don’t get paid. You live where they tell you and do what they tell ya. You’re not free,” Brian said trying to keep it simple.

“What if you wanna leave?” she asked not fully comprehending what her brother was saying.

“Ya can’t ‘cause they own ya,” Brian responded.

“Like prison?” she reasoned.

“That’s a good comparison, Katie,” Ben said impressed with the little girl’s mind.

“Are there slaves here?” Katie couldn’t think of anyone who owned anyone else in Colorado Springs.

“There aren’t anymore. A war was fought to free the slaves nearly twenty years ago,” Ben told her.

“Like when I found a baby bird and wanted to keep it. Papa said we had to let it go so it could be free,” she remembered.

“Exactly,” Ben exclaimed glad to be finished with this awkward topic of conversation.

“I understand,” Katie said.

“Understand what?” Michaela asked as she descended the stairs after putting Josef to bed.

“About slavery,” Katie answered.

Michaela was curiously shocked and she gave a disapproving look to Ben and Brian. “Katie, it’s time for bed, sweetheart.” The little girl took her mother’s hand and together they walked upstairs.

“Do you think she’s mad?” Ben asked Brian thinking about the look on Michaela’s face.

“No, just surprised. Ma always explained things like that to us when we were little,” Brian reassured him. “I’m gonna take this upstairs and work in my room.”

“Goodnight Brian.” Ben noticed Michaela coming back downstairs. “Kids asleep?” he asked.

“Josef is. Katie’s still reading,” she answered. “How did you and Brian find yourselves explaining slavery to Katie?” she asked curious.

“It seems Jefferson Davis is going to be a guest at the Chateau and Brian was doing research about him and we started talking,” he explained.

Michaela nodded. “And little ears picked up on the word,” she said knowingly.

“Yes. You’re not mad are you?”

“No. Her godparents are former slaves. Sully and I planned to explain slavery to her and she’ll learn about it in school. I was just surprised.”

“Sorry if we did something you wanted to do.”

“That’s all right. She’ll have more questions after she digests what you and Brian told her,” Michaela said with certainty.

“She’s very bright.”

“Yes she is. Sometimes it’s hard to keep up with all her questions.”

“The kids seemed subdued tonight,” Ben remarked.

“They haven’t been themselves since Christmas,” she admitted. “Josef is more quiet and withdrawn than usual and Katie’s buried herself in schoolwork. I should be glad she’s so interested in school, but I think she’s doing it to avoid her feelings,” Michaela stated worriedly.

“Like her mother, I’d say.”

“Ben, you of all people know I haven’t exactly been hiding from my feelings. I can hardly get through a day without tears.”

“I’m sorry. I’m only recognizing that Katie seems to have adopted your patterns of coping,” he observed.

“And Josef has Sully’s,” Michaela said ironically. “I’m to blame for some of their reaction. It frightened them more than I knew to see me so upset,” she admitted guiltily.

“They’re strong kids, Michaela. They’ll be all right in no time.” Ben paused for a moment. “What are you telling them about Sully?” he asked knowing that they were comfortable enough with each other by now that she wouldn’t think he was prying.

“The same thing. That their father loves them. They don’t ask when he’s coming home anymore,” she sadly admitted.

“Michaela, I’m afraid I have to be going,” Ben said as he rose from the table. “I have to write up some of my research or I’ll never get this course done.”

Michaela stood and walked Ben to the door.

“Brian and I are going to try to interview Jefferson Davis when he gets here,” Ben told her as he lingered at the front door.

“Brian is so open-minded about seeing all sides of an issue. He’ll make a very good reporter. And you’re helping him so much Ben. Thank you.”

“Brian is already an excellent reporter. We’re helping each other.”

Not quite ready to leave just then, Ben stood at the front door gazing down at Michaela. Gently he reached over to push back a strand of hair that had fallen in her face, then he rested his hand on her shoulder. Michaela didn’t stir at this seemingly sincere gesture.

“Goodnight, Michaela,” he said searching her eyes.

“Goodnight, Ben,” she softly replied.

As he opened the door to leave, he stopped and turned to face her once more. Stepping back in, Ben’s eyes lingered on Michaela for a moment longer. Tentatively, he took her hand in his. She watched, unsure what to do, as he raised her hand slowly to his lips and tenderly kissed it while lightly stroking his thumb across its back. Lowering her hand, yet not letting it go, Ben shyly raised his eyes to meet hers. Holding this glance, he eased forward, brought his hand to her face, and delicately ran his finger along her cheek down to her chin. Still, Michaela did not stir. Ever so slightly he leaned in closer; so close that the untamed wisps of her hair brushed lightly across his brow. His heart raced, as did hers as she gradually closed her eyes. Ben lifted her chin. With merely a breath between them, Michaela abruptly withdrew her hand from his and quickly cast her head aside. She was flustered and confused. Ben straightened in embarrassment. Feeling the heat rising through his body and the redness flushing his face, he could barely manage to speak.

“Michaela, I…I.”

“Goodnight Ben.” She cut him off, refusing to look back in his direction. Her words were distant and firm.

“Goodnight Michaela.”

At this Ben awkwardly turned and walked out with a sigh. Looking back over his shoulder as he descended the front porch, he saw Michaela shut the door to her home behind him.

* * *

Michaela remained at the closed door a moment longer, stunned and speechless. She rubbed her hand over her cheek where Ben’s hand had just been, and across her lips, faintly gasping at what could have just happened. Slowly shaking her head, she stepped away from the door and walked to the fireplace. “What just happened? What am I doing?” she whispered aloud. Having Ben so close to her, so near kissing her forced her to face the reality that their friendship was changing. “It’s true. Ben has feelings for me,” she said to herself. “But what does this mean? Do I have to give up our friendship because we…” She ended her sentence sharply, not able to hear herself speak the words, “We almost kissed.” She enjoyed being with Ben and he was very good with the children. “But when I’m with him I don’t feel so alone. It doesn’t hurt as much,” she rationalized.

Michaela began to anguish over her confusion. She valued Ben’s friendship greatly, ever more so with his continued presence in the past months. His support never wavered despite his growing affections. “But I don’t return Ben’s feelings.” She knew she needed his friendship right now, but that was all she needed. And she also knew it wasn’t fair to him not to straighten this out, not to let him know she wanted nothing more than what they already shared. She would have to talk with him.

As she thought about Ben almost kissing her, her heart ached for Sully. “You’re the only one I want to kiss,” she said to the leaping flames. “You’re the only one I want holding me. The only one I want. I miss you. I miss us.” Before Sully, she never knew she could feel so alive. He awakened every sensation in her - his touch, his sweet kisses, and his arms around her after a long hard day. It was the truest, deepest love she ever knew. He had taught her so much about friendship, love, and passion. He was her best friend, her husband, and her lover. He aroused feelings in her she never even knew existed, and together they explored the joys of intimacy. Michaela blushed when she thought of how their passions grew during their years of marriage. He had brought her from an intimately timid, refined Boston lady into a woman fully in touch with her every desire. Where he once had led the way, they now, together, discovered new ways to satisfy the other. As she grew wistful at the memories, she grew hopeless and forlorn about Sully’s absence. “How could you give up on us?” she cried into the fire.

Michaela’s heart ached with a pain she had never known before. She retrieved her cup of hot tea and took a seat. She sat, slowly sipping her tea, and searched her soul. “But it’s not the same anymore. I’m longing for something I haven’t had with Sully for a while, and may never have with him again. He’s not here now, he may never be back.” Michaela languished on this thought. As hard as it was, she had to admit to herself that she might never see Sully again and if she did, things might never be the same between them again. “But Ben is here. He’s here now and he cares for me. He…” Michaela was confused. She put her head in her hands and took several deep breaths. Sully’s disappearance had shattered her trust and confidence. “I was so sure of us, more than anything else in my life. Now I’m wondering if our relationship was as strong as I believed. I’m doubting everything I believed in. I’m even doubting where I belong and if we belong together.”

Michaela straightened in the chair. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this Sully,” she spoke as if he were right there with her. “I’m not even sure I know who you are anymore. But I can’t go on until I do. I have to know how you could leave. I have to know why.” As she sat thinking for a long time, she tried to figure out where to go from here. “I’m going to make you tell me why you gave up on us. I need to understand how you could do something like this before I can pick up the pieces of my own life.” She stood, grabbed a quilt, and curled up on the rug in front of the fire now aware of what she had to do. “I’m going to Montana.”

* * *

“Jason, are you awake?” Ben asked from outside his brother’s bedroom door.

“Come in,” Jason replied. “I’m only reading.”

Ben opened the door and saw his brother sitting up in bed surrounded by medical journals. “If Nellie could see you now she’d think twice about marrying you,” he teased as he sat in the chair by the window.

Jason chuckled. “What can I do for you?” he asked sensing his brother’s unease.

Ben hesitated. “Jason, I need your help,” he said as he ran his fingers through his hair.

“Help?” Jason asked as he closed the medical journal.

“Tonight at Michaela’s…”

“Yeah?”

“Uh…I wanted to…I mean I almost…,” Ben stammered.

“Spit it out Ben. You almost what?”

“Uh…I almost kissed Michaela tonight,” he blurted out.

“Oh boy.” Jason was just now realizing the extent of his brother’s troubles.

Ben nervously tapped his hand on his thigh. “I know I shouldn’t have, but we’ve been spending so much time together,” he rationalized. “But, oh, she was so beautiful, her eyes were sparkling in the moonlight that shone through the window, and her hair…her hair was just glowing…”

“Um, Ben?”

“I just couldn’t help it. I just…”

“Ben? Ben! You’re in love with her!”

Ben swallowed hard. “Yes, I think I am. I love spending time with her, and with the children. She’s beautiful, smart, compassionate, and we have so much in common.”

“And she’s married, Ben,” he reminded his brother.

Ben looked down and dropped his head to his hands. “I know,” he replied. “I didn’t intend for this to happen. I didn’t intend to feel this strongly for her. When I knew I was feeling more than friendship I tried to stop. Honest, I tried. I tried spending less time with her, not going to the homestead as much, or to the clinic, but she was so lost and vulnerable. She needed me so much. I told myself it was wrong, that I shouldn’t feel this way, but I couldn’t stop!” He stood and walked to the window.

“Falling in love isn’t something you can control,” Jason said sympathetically.

“I sure can’t,” he replied.

“Do you think she returns your feelings?” Jason asked doubtfully.

“No,” he quickly responded. “She looked shocked when I tried to…uhhh.” Ben sighed, then continued. “She backed away. Real quick. I was so embarrassed I practically ran out of the house.”

“She loves her husband.”

“I know she does, but he doesn’t deserve her Jason,” Ben retorted as he paced in front of the window.

“You don’t even know Sully,” Jason said trying to reason with his brother.

Ben looked Jason in the eye. “I know if a woman loved me the way Michaela loves Sully, I’d never do this to her! I’d never hurt her like this. I’d do anything to make her happy. A man can spend his whole life looking for someone to love him like that, and Sully had it! He had it and he threw it away.” Ben bitterly stated.

“From what I hear they were very happily married and Sully was very devoted to her,” he supplied. “Some of my patients like to talk, and they say it was a storybook romance. We don’t really know what’s going on between them now.”

“She talks to me Jason,” he stressed. “She’s hurting and she doesn’t trust him anymore. Maybe he’s not coming back. Maybe if he does come back, she won’t be able to forgive him. Maybe their marriage is over,” Ben said giving voice to his hope for the first time.

“And maybe it isn’t. Dr. Mike is hurting right now, but it’s clear to me she hasn’t stopped loving him. And there are the children to consider. They’re his kids, Ben. We don’t know what’s going to happen when he comes back,” Jason counseled afraid his brother was going to be hurt again.

“But what if he doesn’t come back?” he countered. “Maybe in time she will get over Sully. I can wait as long as she needs. And, in time she might be able to love me.” Ben sat back down in the chair.

“Ben, if her marriage is over, it’s going to take Dr. Mike a long time to recover. Remember how long you grieved for Rose. You didn’t have eyes for another woman for years,” Jason cautioned.

“I never thought I would ever love anyone again,” he said as he remembered the pain.

“I think you should try to be Dr. Mike’s friend and if you can’t do that, you should think about returning to New York early,” Jason suggested.

Ben sat straight in the chair considering his brother’s words. “No, I’m not leaving,” he declared. “I don’t want any regrets about what might have been. I want to see this through ‘til the end. But you’re right. I need to be her friend. I need to wait for her to decide about Sully. She’s got to tell me if she’s going to make her marriage work or if it’s over and I want to be here either way,” Ben resolved.

“Until then, be her friend. It’s obvious what your friendship means to her. If it’s meant to be more, you’ll know by the time you have to return to classes in the fall,” he assured.

“Thanks Jason. You’re always there when I need you. I couldn’t have gotten through Rose’s death without you, you know. And, now, when I need your help again,” Ben said sincerely.

“What are brother’s for,” Jason chuckled.

“Are you planning on staying here, Jason?”

“I’d like to. I love the town and working with Dr. Mike. I couldn’t have a better colleague. I think Nellie will agree it’s a great town to raise a family,” he replied earnestly.

“I’m glad. Michaela enjoys working with you too. And, don’t worry. I’m not going to do anything to make it hard for you to stay. I’ll be the perfect gentleman. Promise,” Ben added with a smile. “Goodnight, little brother.”

“Goodnight Ben.”

* * *

“Michaela, ya plannin’ a trip?” Hank asked as he suspiciously eyed the fully loaded saddlebags on Flash.

Michaela tensed. She had deliberately come to the clinic at dawn to avoid being seen as she loaded some medical supplies for her trip. “It’s none of your concern Hank,” she replied sharply.

Hank peered at her more closely and looked again at the saddlebags. “You wouldn’t be plannin’ ta go look for Sully now would ya?” he perceived.

“What makes you think that?”

“Cause, I know ya, Michaela. An’ these supplies’ll last ya weeks,” he said peeking into the saddlebags and examining the contents.

Michaela looked away and turned to mount her horse. “If you must know Hank, I’m going to Montana. I believe Sully’s there,” she stated testily.

Hank gripped her arm and eased her back. “You can’t run off to Montana in January Michaela,” he told her not letting go of her arm.

Michaela shot him a scornful glare and tried to loosen her arm from his grip. “I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself in the woods, Hank,” she lectured as she yanked her arm free.

“How ya gonna find ‘im?” Hank gruffly laughed. “Ya don’t even know where he is.” But Michaela again looked away in thought. “Have ya even thought about how it’s gonna be ta travel through all that snow?” Hank offered, trying to talk some sense into her. But still, Michaela didn’t answer, and instead turned once more to mount Flash. “I didn’t think so,” he challenged. “Go on Michaela. Go on and get right up there on your high horse again! Literally this time.”

Michaela turned to face him. “I’m going to the Cheyenne reservation. I believe he’s there with Cloud Dancing. And it doesn’t matter the weather, I’m going to find him!”

“What about your kids, Michaela?” Hank stressed.

Michaela was shocked at Hank’s mention of her children, but she remained aloof. She had already taken care of that. “They’ll stay with Grace and Robert E,” she replied.

Hank moved closer to her and stiffly leaned in. “How they gonna feel when you’re gone for a month or more on a wild goose chase lookin’ for Sully?” His voice rose as he accusingly pointed his finger at her face. “I’ll tell ya how they’re gonna feel. They’ll think you left them too.”

Michaela flinched. She was used to this kind of confrontation with Hank. He knew how to push her buttons and stir up anger in her far different than she had felt towards anyone before. “They’ll understand I have to find their father,” she adamantly spoke. Her children would understand, she thought, even if Hank couldn’t.

“No they won’t,” he persisted. Hank likewise was familiar with their conflicting history. At times he aimed to provoke Michaela for the pure amusement of watching her squirm. But, this time it was different. This time it was serious, and even Hank could contemplate the consequences of her disappearing after Sully now. “Those kids never thought Sully would be gone this long. And now you’re gonna run out on ‘em too? You don’t want to put them through the pain of thinkin’ they lost both parents.” Hank knew he was hurting her, but someone had to stop her from leaving and he was the only one here.

“I am not running out on them! I have to do this Hank,” she demanded. “I have to know what’s happened to us. But I don’t expect you to understand me, and I don’t care right now if you do or not,” she said as her voice pleaded with him to put an end to this confrontation.

“But I do understand you Michaela. And ya know I do.” Hank softened. “I know ya need to figure things out, but this ain’t the way. Not like this, not now.”

He was right, and she knew it. “But how could he know?” she wondered to herself. How could a man she had such ill will towards read her so well? And not just now, but Hank always had an uncanny ability to read her deepest fears.

Michaela felt all her emotions racing through her body. She was confused, hurt, helpless, and flat out mad at Hank’s trying to stop her. The weeks of worry, her not eating properly and endlessly crying, and her efforts to keep up this strong façade finally hit Michaela at this moment and she was determined to give Hank a piece of her mind for once and for all. “Hank! I am not…” Michaela felt her legs give way under her.

“Whoa now!” Hank grabbed her in time before she fell to the ground. He led her into the clinic and sat her down in her chair. Then he took a seat across from her. “Ya okay Michaela?”

“He was my whole life,” she stammered with tears threatening. “I don’t know how to go on without him. I don’t know where I belong without him. Perhaps I’ll be able to move on with my life if I understand why he’s done this Hank.”

Hank just sat there unsure of what to do. He ran his hand over his long, stringy hair and after a few moments, he stood. He walked around to her chair and crouched down on the floor in front of her. “Look.” He didn’t know how to begin. “I know this is eatin’ ya up inside, but those kids gotta come first right now. You taught me that Michaela.” Hank paused unsure if he should continue, but he did. “No matter how much we disagree and don’t get along, I still have you to thank for telling me that a long time ago.” Michaela was silently shocked as she read the genuineness in Hank’s eyes.

An awkward silence filled the room. Michaela could hardly believe this show of sincerity from Hank. She had rarely seen this side of him before. It was refreshing, reassuring, and a very welcomed insight into the man she always knew he could be.

“Look, I’ll go find Sully for ya. In spite of our past, you still saved my life a few months ago from that sickness. So I guess that makes us even there since I saved yours when that crazy man shot you, but now…” Hank lingered on his thought. “But now I owe it to you to not let you leave your kids. I’ll make Sully come back and face ya. I’ll make him tell ya why he left.”

“No Hank. This isn’t your place.”

“Think about it,” he implored. “You told me that Zach needed his pa there for him. Now I’m tellin’ you your kids need their ma.” His words brought back those memories for Michaela of how she challenged Hank for leaving his son, and now, she was realizing how right he was. “I won’t be able ta go for a coupla weeks, but if ya want I’ll leave then. I’ll make him face ya Michaela, I promise. I never thought Sully was much of a man, but even a coward explains himself. Sully owes ya that much.” Hank handed her his bandana to wipe her tears.

Michaela looked at Hank trying to absorb his words. He was right. She couldn’t leave Katie and Josef, not right now. “I don’t know Hank. I’ll consider your offer, but I’m not ready to give you an answer now.”

“Well, at least promise me ya ain’t gonna go runnin’ out after him once I leave ya,” Hank demanded.

“I won’t Hank. I won’t,” she agreed with a grateful grin, and returned the bandana he generously handed her.

As Hank was stepping out the door to the clinic he turned once more to add, “I don’t know why this happened to ya Michaela. I don’t know why Sully left the way he did, but I do know one thing for sure. That man loves you. God help him… but he does.” And with that Hank exited, shutting the door behind him.

Michaela sat and pondered her conversation with Hank. It was odd to hear him speak to her that way, yet it was exactly what she needed to hear. In his own way, Hank could see things more clearly than many people in town and she had been impressed with his insight on more than one occasion. She decided to think about his offer, to seriously think about it.

Just then, there was a knock on the clinic door.

Chapter Seventeen

“Come in,” Michaela said curious about her early morning visitor. “Who else besides Hank and myself could be up this early?” she wondered.

“Dr. Quinn, may I speak with you?” Mrs. Slicker asked stepping inside the clinic. “As I opened the school to prepare my lessons I noticed you arrive.”

“I had some patient files to update and Brian’s bringing the children to school today,” she defensively explained as she straightened the files on her desk. “What did you want to speak with me about?”

As Mrs. Slicker walked toward the desk, Michaela motioned for her to take the seat Hank just vacated.

“This is difficult for me to discuss,” she began with her hands folded in her lap.

“Is it the baby?” Michaela worried.

“No. It is about your children.”

“My children? What about my children? Is something the matter?” Michaela queried agitated.

“It’s Josef mostly,” the teacher admitted after some moments.

“What about him?”

“I believe his father’s absence has upset him more than you may know,” Mrs. Slicker spoke plainly.

“Go on,” she urged as she sat stiffly in the chair, irritated that the teacher presumed to know something about her son that she didn’t.

“He is more withdrawn than when he started school, he has trouble concentrating on his lessons, and I am concerned about his drawings.”

“Drawings?”

“Yes. Children his age cannot express their feelings so they find other outlets. I have seen this before,” she explained. “Some children become bullies and tease the other children, some play rough using aggression as an outlet, and some, those who are more sensitive, like Josef, express their feelings through art or music.”

Michaela glanced away and stared out the window. “This has been a very difficult time for him. He’s taken Sully’s leaving very hard.”

The teacher nodded finding it uncomfortable to discuss these private matters with the doctor. “I think you should look at these pictures and speak with him,” she advised handing her two pictures drawn by her son.

Michaela held her hand to her heart and gasped as she looked at the pictures. The first picture was of a little boy alone and lost in the woods with tears running down his cheeks. The second picture was even more disturbing. It showed a little boy standing in front of a house with his arms outstretched, and in the distance there was a mountain. On the mountain, he drew a man with long dark hair. She knew this was Sully. He also drew a woman and a little girl a good distance from the house walking away from the boy. “He’s afraid of being left all alone,” she murmured utterly distraught.

Mrs. Slicker nodded. “I think it would be wise to keep Josef out of school for a while to spend time with him and reassure him he’s safe,” she suggested.

Michaela continued to look at the drawing. “Yes, you’re right. Thank you.”

“I am sorry, Dr. Quinn.” The teacher turned to leave.

“Mrs. Slicker,” she called to her.

“Yes.”

“How’s Katie?” she asked wondering if she was missing something significant with her daughter as well.

“Katie is also more withdrawn,” she admitted. Michaela’s desperate look encouraged her to continue. “She doesn’t play at recess like she used to. She reads by herself or sits with Josef. But her schoolwork is still very good, perhaps even better.”

“I’m not surprised. All she does is read and do homework. Do the other children tease her?” Michaela worried.

“A few,” she revealed. “The smartest children always get teased, but do not worry. Your children are well liked in school. Many feel sympathy for them,” she added then noticed the pained expression on the doctor’s face. “I have seen this before. The children will be fine, in time. They just need to feel safe and loved.”

“They need to know I love them and won’t ever leave them,” she said more to herself than to the teacher. Once Mrs. Slicker left the clinic, Michaela studied the drawings more closely. Her children were in pain and she blamed herself for allowing her own anguish to block out what Sully’s absence was doing to them. “And I was thinking of leaving them to look for him,” she thought. “I can’t do that now.” Now, Hank would be the only chance she’d have to find Sully. He was her last hope.

* * *

Michaela had kept the children home from school for the next several days so they could spend time as a family. This morning they had a leisurely breakfast, played games, and she read to them. When Horace rode out to get her for an emergency at the clinic, Brian offered to take them sledding. Now as it neared suppertime, she had been home for over an hour, and no one was home. The snow was falling heavily and Michaela grew worried. Just as she was about to mount Flash to go looking for them she heard voices. As she quickly turned around, she saw Brian, Katie and Josef dragging their sleds up the path to the homestead.

“Brian, where were you? It’s almost suppertime. You should have been home hours ago,” Michaela said with a worried expression on her face.

“Sorry Ma, Katie fell into the creek with her sled and it took a lot longer getting home ‘cause of the storm,” Brian explained as he ushered his siblings into the house.

“The creek? Oh Katie, let’s get you out of these wet clothes before you get sick.” In an instant she was by her daughter’s side. She picked her up and brought her upstairs to change her clothes. Brian changed Josef who was damp from playing in the snow then he changed his own clothes. When everyone was dry, Michaela went downstairs to prepare supper.

“Would you like to stay home tomorrow too?” Michaela asked her children over supper. “We could build a snowman or play games like we did today.”

“I wanna go to school,” Katie said eager to return to her routine.

“All right, if that’s what you want. I thought it would be nice to spend more time together as a family.”

“I wanna stay home with Mama,” Josef said taking a bite of food.

“Then it’s settled. Katie will go to school and Josef will stay home. Brian, will you take Katie to school tomorrow and let Jason know I’ll be staying home another day?” she asked as she served the vegetables.

“Sure Ma.” He ate a few bites of food and continued. “Ben and I talked to Mr. Davis today.”

“How did it go?” She remembered thinking that in her worry about the children she hadn’t seen Ben or spoken to him about the other night.

“He’s an angry man, Ma,” Brian started. “He wouldn’t talk to us for very long, especially when he figured out we didn’t support his way of thinkin’. He’s here to look into some mining businesses, but he went on about state’s rights and the right to own…”

Michaela cut him off with a sharp look. She wasn’t up to another conversation about slavery with Katie tonight. “You two are very quiet this evening. Are you feeling well?” she asked as she tore off a piece of bread.

“I’m okay,” Josef said moving the beans around the plate.

“I’m tired,” Katie announced having barely touched her supper.

“I’m not surprised. You both had a big day. Eat a little more supper and I’ll put you to bed,” she told them picking up her fork to bring a piece of chicken to her mouth.

As Michaela was clearing the supper dishes, she heard a knock on the front door.

“I’ll get it,” Brian said as he answered the door. “Hey, Ben, come in. We just finished supper, but there’s some left if you’re hungry.”

“No, I’ve already eaten. I was hoping to speak with your mother,” he said nervously.

“Ma, it’s Ben,” Brian announced oblivious to the tension between the two adults. “Ben, I wanna show you the article I’m working on. I’ll be right back,” he said as he dashed up the stairs.

Michaela tensed and slowly walked to the door. “Hello,” she said, her voice distant.

“Good evening,” he nervously replied. All his courage evaporated the moment he saw Michaela.

“I didn’t expect to see you tonight,” she told him in an even tone that revealed little of her feelings.

Ben cleared his throat. “I wanted to talk to you,” he stammered sensing he was unwanted. Barely giving Michaela any time to respond, he turned to leave. With his hand on the door, he looked at her once more. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t…I shouldn’t have barged in on you like this. Well…I guess…I’ll just leave now. Sorry to disturb you,” he spoke rapidly.

“No, it’s all right,” she finally said. Ben remained by the door and waited to be invited inside. “Come in. Please have a seat. I have to put the children to bed, but we’ll talk when I’m done.”

Michaela climbed up the stairs with the children, passing Brian heading back downstairs. Brian joined Ben in the living room.

“I haven’t seen your ma at the clinic for a couple of days. Is everything all right?” Ben asked with concern.

“Yeah. She’s worried about the kids so she’s been spending extra time with them.”

“That’s good.” Ben paused a moment before continuing. “How are you handling this Brian?” he asked realizing that he hadn’t mentioned Sully in a while.

Brian was flustered. No one had asked him how he felt about Sully leaving. He looked to the stairs to make sure they wouldn’t be overheard. “I’m real angry at Sully and I don’t understand it. I know you don’t know him, but I couldn’t have had a better Pa when I was growin’ up. He always listened to me and he taught me so many important things. A lot of who I am today is ‘cause a Sully,” Brian said with tears very close to the surface.

“I can tell by the way you talk about him that you love him very much,” Ben remarked.

Brian stared down at his hands. “I did,” he replied hoarsely. “When I think about what he did for me, I can’t figure out why he wouldn’t wanna do the same for his own flesh and blood,” he said as his voice faltered.

“I don’t know Brian. Sometimes people change.”

“My real Pa left my Ma when I was little. I never thought Sully could do something like this. He was crazy about Katie and Joey and he always wanted a family.”

“Brian, talk to your ma. She’ll help you through this,” Ben advised.

Brian shook his head. “No, she’s too upset and she’s worried about Katie and Josef. She doesn’t need to worry about me too.”

“She loves you, Brian.”

“I know, but it doesn’t matter anyway. I never wanna see Sully again. I hate him for doing this to the family.”

“Brian, I know you’re angry with Sully, and you have a right to be, but I don’t believe you hate him.”

Brian didn’t respond.

“If you want to talk about anything, I’ll listen. I won’t tell your ma if you don’t want me to,” Ben told him.

“Thanks Ben.”

Upstairs Michaela was putting the children to sleep. She brought both of them into Josef’s room so she could talk to them together. With Josef tucked in, and Katie seated beside him, Michaela sat down on the edge of the bed and stroked her son’s hair.

“I know you’re both upset about your father being gone so long,” she began. “And I know I frightened you after Christmas. I’m sorry. I need you to know that I’m never going to leave you. I love you and I’ll always be here for you.”

“Papa left,” Katie said in a tiny voice as her hand crept into her mother’s.

“Papa didn’t leave you sweetheart. He loves you. What’s going on between Papa and myself has nothing to do with you. Can you understand that?” The children were quiet. “I’m not going to leave you. Matthew and Brian aren’t going to leave you. We’ll all be together and we’ll be happy again, I promise.”

“You’ll stop crying?” Katie asked looking at her mother.

Michaela choked back tears. “I imagine I will. I’m sorry I frightened you Katie. I’ve been very sad. I miss Papa very much, like you do. It’s all right to cry and feel scared though. When you feel that way, I want you to tell me. Do you think you can both do that?” she asked stroking her daughter’s hair.

Katie nodded. “I miss Papa. Why did he leave us?”

“He don’t love us no more,” Josef finally spoke.

Michaela took Josef’s hand. “No. That’s not true. Your father loves you both so much. There was no greater moment in his life than when the two of you were born. Pa was your first word, Katie. And Josef, he would hold you all night long sometimes. I know you don’t know why he’s been gone so long and frankly I don’t either, but I do know it’s not because he stopped loving you.” Michaela brought the children into her embrace wishing she could do something to take away their pain. After several moments she gently kissed Josef’s brow and waited until he fell asleep. Then she brought Katie into her bedroom, tucked her beneath the covers, and gave her a sweet kiss on her forehead.

Michaela wearily walked downstairs and paused in her steps when she noticed Ben seated in the wingback chair. “I almost forgot you were here,” she said nervously. “I’m sorry. It took much longer to put the children to bed than I expected.”

Ben stood and stepped closer to her. “It’s all right Michaela. You weren’t expecting me.”

Michaela backed away from him and awkwardly looked around the room. “Where’s Brian?”

“He went upstairs. How are the kids?” he asked as he clenched and unclenched his hands.

“They’re so upset. I don’t know how to help them,” she calmly replied, twisting the end of her shawl around her finger.

Ben tentatively walked a few steps closer to her. “You are helping them by being with them and reassuring them,” he affirmed.

Michaela was uncomfortable with him being so near. “Ben, we need to talk.” She backed away and turned from him.

“I know,” he said returning to his chair. He braced himself for her next words.

Michaela walked over to his chair and remained standing. “I’m very fond of you and I don’t know what I would have done without your friendship these past few months, but…”

“Michaela don’t. I know.” He paused to take a deep breath. “I’m sorry about the other night.” Michaela quietly stood still. “I shouldn’t have…uh…well…I just shouldn’t have. You don’t need more confusion right now. I came here to tell you…well…that I want to be your friend. I don’t want to lose your friendship,” he said with his heart pounding.

“I don’t want to stop being your friend either, but I can’t offer any more than that,” she told him frankly.

Ben inhaled deeply. Even though he knew it couldn’t be more, it still hurt to hear her speak the words. “I know you’re married. And you love Sully. I won’t deny I have feelings for you Michaela, but the most important thing to me is to help you and the kids through this. I promise I won’t confuse you anymore.”

“I don’t want to hurt you. You’ve done so much for me,” she reiterated. “But, it’s not fair to you Ben.”

“It would hurt me more if I never saw you again,” he returned. “And let me decide what’s best for me. That’s all I came to tell you. I’ll leave you to get some sleep. You look tired.”

“Thank you, Ben, for everything,” Michaela said still feeling uneasy and confused.

“Goodnight Michaela.”

* * *

“Mama, Mama.” Michaela faintly heard the cries in the distance. “It’s Katie,” she thought as she slowly woke from a deep sleep. “She must be having a bad dream.” As she went to her room to comfort her, she saw her daughter sitting up in bed shivering. Rushing to her side, she wrapped her arms around her and felt her burning up with fever. Her heart raced as she walked to the basin, filled it with water, and dampened a cloth. Returning to sit on the edge of the bed, she applied the cool, wet cloth to Katie’s chest and forehead and tried to make her comfortable.

Katie’s fever was dangerously high. The doctor in her knew she needed to bring the fever down and hope that her daughter was strong enough to fight off the infection. The mother in her felt helpless. “Please Katie, you have to get well.”

“I’m cold Mama,” Katie weakly murmured.

“I know sweetheart. You have a fever and I need to cool you off to make you better.” She retrieved her stethoscope and listened to Katie’s lungs. “Oh my God, pneumonia.” She knew children were especially susceptible to pneumonia and many succumbed to the disease quickly.

“What’s wrong?” Brian asked from the doorway, having been woken up by his sister’s cries.

Michaela looked at Brian. “She has pneumonia. Could you go downstairs and brew some willow bark tea?” she asked not wanting to leave Katie’s side.

“Sure, I’ll be right back,” he said, his heart heavy knowing that Katie’s fall in the creek probably made her sick.

Michaela continued to apply the cool cloth to Katie’s brow, cheeks, and chest. She was still burning up. When Brian returned with the tea she lifted Katie’s head, holding the cup of tea to her lips. “Try to drink this,” she urged.

Katie nodded and swallowed a few sips. “Mama, I’m so cold,” she said in a tiny voice then rested her head back on the pillow.

“It’s all right sweetheart. Mama’s right here. I won’t go anywhere,” she promised.

“Is she gonna be all right, Ma?” Brian asked worried.

“I don’t know. Her fever is very high,” she replied as her voice quivered.

“Don’t worry Ma, Katie’s strong. She’ll pull through,” Brian reassured.

“I can’t lose her Brian. I thought I did before…I can’t lose her again. Not now. It would be too much to bear.” Michaela dropped her head into her hands.

“Don’t think like that. You won’t lose her,” Brian comforted as he rested his hand on her shoulder.

Katie drifted in and out of consciousness for the next two days, but she hung on. Her body was motionless and her fever was still very high. Her mother never left her side. “Please God, let her live,” she prayed silently. Brian took care of Josef who was very worried about his sister and was convinced she would leave him now too. As each day passed Brian grew increasingly fearful of what losing Katie would do to his mother and little brother.

Michaela’s friends came by to bring food and to offer their help. Ben came by to help Brian with the homestead and to give Michaela support. One evening, after Ben helped Brian put Josef to bed, he saw Michaela asleep in a chair by Katie’s bed. He walked over to her and placed his hand on her shoulder. “Michaela, you have to lie down,” he whispered.

Michaela awoke startled then returned her glance to her daughter. “I’m not leaving her.”

Knowing he wasn’t going to convince her to lie down he pulled another chair next to her and placed his hand in hers. “How is she?” he tenderly asked.

“I’m losing her,” she said tearfully. “And there’s nothing more I can do. The rest is up to her.”

“She’s a strong little girl Michaela, like her ma,” Ben reassured.

“No, that’s where you’re wrong. Katie’s more like her father,” she corrected. “It’s his strength she needs right now.” Michaela stroked back wisps of Katie’s hair that had fallen in her face.

Ben stroked Michaela’s hand. “I’m sorry Sully’s not here. He should be.”

Her eyes fell to the floor and her voice lowered to barely a whisper. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do everything alone. I feel like I’ve been all alone for years.” Michaela squeezed his hand tightly.

“You’re not alone, Michaela,” he assured stroking her hair. Ben felt his own desire to take care of her reeling out of control.

“Sully will never forgive me if something happens to Katie,” she cried.

“This wasn’t your fault. Kids get sick. Sully hasn’t been here for months and he has no right to judge you,” he said letting go of her hand and rising from his chair. He knelt beside Michaela and rubbed her arm to calm her.

“Thank you Ben. Thank you for being here,” she said as she rested her hand atop his.

Ben propped himself up on the arm of her chair and leaned back against it. Placing his hand on her back, he gently eased her toward him until her head rested against his body. He breathed deeply to control his surging emotions.

“I’m here, Michaela. I’ll see you through this,” he whispered as he held her and reassured her that Katie would be all right.

Her head rested against his chest and she found comfort in its warmth as she dozed off with her hand in his. Repositioning himself more comfortably on the one chair, Ben dozed off slumping into her with his arm around her.

* * *

Sully tossed and turned, unable to sleep. He was about a week’s ride away from Colorado Springs, maybe less if the weather held, but the closer to home he got, the more anxious he became. “This is crazy. I should be excited,” he thought, “Not scared ta death.” Still, he couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. Knowing Michaela would be hurt, even angry, when he came home, he knew he had a lot of explaining to do, to her and the kids. “I’m gonna tell you everythin’,” he vowed.

Sleep was disturbing. Since he left Montana, he was tormented by dreams. The dreams grew stronger and more vivid the closer he got to home. First it was his recurring dream of Michaela and the children, but recently new dreams haunted him. In these dreams Brian was yelling at him, Michaela was in the arms of another man, and Katie was sick. “Katie,” he thought, “Could she be hurt? What does this all mean?” Sully would never forgive himself if something happened to Katie.

Replaying the dreams over in his mind, he concluded they represented what might happen if he didn’t get home soon. They told of the future and he was terrified his greatest fears were going to be realized. Had they already happened? He shook off these disturbing images and thought of Michaela. “We love each other. We can get through anything as long as we’re together,” he anxiously reassured himself again.

“You and me, Michaela,” he spoke softly to the stars. He closed his eyes and concentrated all his energy on sending his love to his wife. “Feel us, Michaela. Feel us. Please wait for me.”

* * *

Sunlight was streaking into the room and Michaela started to stir. She felt warm, strong arms around her. “Sully’s arms,” she thought as she felt his love for her course through her entire body. “Sully,” she whispered. As her eyes started to focus, suddenly everything was unfamiliar and she realized who was really holding her. It was Ben, not Sully. Her heart sank and immediately she grew uncomfortable. Disengaging herself from Ben’s arms, she stood and composed herself. In doing this she woke him. As he roused, he looked at her slightly embarrassed, and straightened on the arm of the chair. His neck and back were sore from sleeping as he had.

Ignoring Ben, she sat down on the edge of the bed and looked at her daughter, her skin pale and her hair damp from perspiration. Retrieving the damp cloth, she wiped her daughter’s brow, face, and neck. She stroked Katie’s hair and all the while talked to her and reassured her that Mama was there.

Katie began to stir and her head moved from side to side. As she was cooling her daughter with the cloth she heard a faint cry of “Mama.”

“Katie, I’m here,” she whispered.

Katie reached for her mother’s hand. “Mama,” she murmured again.

Michaela felt huge relief wash over her. “Katie, thank God,” she thought. “Her fever’s down,” she said out loud.

Ben cleared his throat. “I told you she’d get well. Why don’t I go downstairs and bring us up some coffee,” he said deciding to leave mother and daughter alone.

Michaela nodded to him and turned her attention back to her daughter. “You’re going to be all right, sweetheart,” she said relieved. “Here, try to drink some water.”

“Papa,” Katie called as she took a few sips of water.

Michaela wished with all her might that Sully were here. “You’re going to be fine Katie. Papa’s not here right now, but he loves you very much.”

“I heard Papa,” Katie whimpered as tears sprang to her eyes.

Michaela choked back tears. “No, sweetheart. He’s not here. It must have been a dream,” she explained, her heart breaking, as she stroked Katie’s hair.

She was so angry with Sully, and angry with herself that despite everything, for a moment she believed he was home and holding her. Katie could have died and he wasn’t here. Their daughter needed him by her side. She needed him by her side comforting her, urging her to go on, and telling her everything would be all right. She shouldn’t have to go through this alone. Bitterness began to set in.

Chapter Eighteen

Sully rode up to the homestead long after the sun had gone down. He was tired and dirty from weeks of hard riding. Pausing in front of the porch, he gazed at the house he built, an expression of love for his family, and was relieved to finally be home. “Home,” he said out loud, hardly believing he was there. Dismounting, he led his horse into the barn, removed the saddle, and took several deep breaths to lessen his anxiety before exiting. He quietly walked toward the house and up the porch steps, hesitating at the front door. He was nervous. On the other side of the door he could hear laughter and a soft smile formed on his lips as he pictured his family having supper. He slowly opened the front door, not expecting the scene before him.

His smile quickly faded and his eyes narrowed in confusion. “Stay calm,” he told himself as he observed his family enjoying an animated supper with two strangers. “Evenin’,” Sully remarked as he entered the homestead, his heart beating rapidly.

The room quieted as all heads turned toward Sully.

Michaela’s breath caught in her throat and the color drained from her face. “Sully,” she whispered breathlessly. Instinctively, she shot up from the table in shocked surprise dropping her fork to the floor. The loud clatter as the metal hit the hard floor contrasted sharply with the uncomfortable silence that filled the room.

Ben rose with her and protectively leaned over, touching her arm. “You all right?” he asked afraid she might faint.

She bit her lower lip and nodded, unable to speak.

Sully stood at the front door intently watching this exchange as he eyed Michaela from across the room trying to read her expression. After some moments he broke her gaze and slowly peered from her to Ben, who immediately removed his hand from her arm. Then he turned and slowly walked toward his children and knelt down in front of them. “Hey, Kates, Joe, I missed you,” he said bringing his hand up to stroke Katie’s hair.

Katie remained perfectly still, eyes wide at the shock of seeing her father.

“Aren’t ya glad ta see me?” he asked with a grin, but received no reply. Visibly hurt, he slowly withdrew his hand from her head and turned toward his son. He held his hand out to Josef, but the little boy edged away from him in his seat. Having decided not to push them, Sully dropped his hand and rose to his feet.

Finally Jason broke the awkward silence that filled the room. “Mr. Sully, it’s good to finally meet you. I’m Jason Morrison and this is my brother Ben,” he cheerfully greeted extending his hand.

Startled, Sully turned toward Jason and nodded. “Jason,” he acknowledged.

Ben stiffly extended his hand. “Sully, I’ve heard so much about you,” he said with a hint of derision in his voice.

“Oh really?” Sully turned toward Michaela and quickly shook Ben’s hand as he stared at his wife.

Michaela avoided his eyes and stared down at the table. She didn’t speak.

Sully turned toward Brian. “I didn’t expect to see you here. Good to see ya son.”

“Sully,” Brian coldly answered looking him right in the eye. Sully flinched. It had been years since he called him Sully. Lately it had always been Pa.

“We should be going,” Jason spoke quickly. “Thank you for a fine supper Dr. Mike.” With his eyes, he anxiously urged Ben to join him. “Why don’t I take the morning patients so you can spend more time at home.”

Michaela looked up and drew in her breath. “No thank you, Jason. That won’t be necessary. I’ve been treating Mrs. Perkins since her heart condition began and she’d be more comfortable if I saw her tomorrow,” she replied with her hands clenching and unclenching the edge of the table.

“All right, Dr. Mike, if you’re sure. Goodnight.” Jason turned to Sully. “Mr. Sully, I hope to see you again.”

“I’m sure you will Jason,” he replied indifferently.

“Goodnight Michaela,” Ben said eyeing her protectively. “When the weather clears, I’d like you to show me the Cheyenne burial grounds.” He reached down and gently squeezed her hand, reassuring her that he would be there for her. In spite of Sully’s return, Ben still clung to the hope that she might return his feelings, especially after their closeness during Katie’s illness.

“Goodnight Ben,” she answered quickly. “It’s still too cold to visit the burial grounds, but perhaps when it’s warmer,” she said as she nervously glanced at him then looked away.

Sully’s eyes narrowed as he peered intently at Michaela and Ben. He sensed something in their interaction that made him uneasy, but he wasn’t sure what it was and he didn’t want to create a confrontation on his first night home.

As Jason and Ben were about the leave, Brian offered to see them out with the excuse that he needed to bed down the horses for the night. In truth, he needed to get out of the house for a time. Before anyone noticed, Katie and Josef, who were nervous and unsettled by their father’s return, followed Brian outside. When Michaela and Sully were alone, she quickly turned her attention to clearing the dishes from the table. He watched as she frantically cleared the table, ignoring his presence, and sighed heavily. This wasn’t the homecoming he had been hoping for.

“I’m goin’ outside ta get my things ta unpack,” he told his wife when she came out of the kitchen for more dishes. Michaela didn’t register his remark. A few minutes later he returned with his belongings and headed upstairs.

Now alone downstairs Michaela busied herself in the kitchen washing and drying the dishes. She was consumed with a myriad of emotions – profound relief Sully was safe, anger, and most of all incredible hurt. As she put a dish in the cupboard, her body trembled in fear, fear about what they were going to do now.

Sully came back downstairs to find Michaela in the kitchen nervously putting away the supper dishes. He lingered a moment on the bottom step, just watching her, unsure about what to do or say. Then he slowly advanced behind her and he tried to think of what to say to her now, scared to say anything at all. With her back to him facing the kitchen window, she sensed him nearing behind her. Her hands stopped their work and she held her breath. Sully raised his hand and tentatively reached out to her. Just as he was about to touch her shoulder, she moved away and headed to the front door to look for the children.

“Katie, Josef, it’s time for bed,” Michaela called to them from the porch. The children ran back into the house and Brian abruptly headed upstairs without a word to anyone.

Sully turned around and gingerly walked over to the children. “Can I put them to bed?”

Michaela remained silent as she removed their coats and hung them on the rack.

“Michaela?”

“You need to ask them,” she responded.

“Kates, how ‘bout I tuck you in tonight? It’s been a long time. You too Joe.”

They shook their heads no and rushed to hide behind their mother, neither of them speaking. Hurt, Sully just stood there as Michaela silently took their hands and led the children past him to go upstairs.

First she put Josef to bed and tucked him under the covers. The little boy quickly rolled over without a word. Michaela knelt by the side of his bed and rubbed his back to comfort him. Before leaving his room, she kissed the top of his head. Closing the door to Josef’s room, she walked down the hall to Katie’s room. Her daughter was already in bed reading.

“Goodnight sweetheart,” Michaela told her daughter pushing back a lock of her hair.

“Mama,” Katie began as she closed her book.

“Yes.”

“Did you know Papa was coming home tonight?”

Michaela sighed heavily. “No, sweetheart. I didn’t,” she admitted stroking her daughter’s hair and tucking the blankets more securely around her.

“Are you glad he’s home?” she asked not sure of her own feelings.

Michaela pondered her response knowing there was no easy answer to that question and mindful that her reply would affect Katie’s own reaction to her father’s return. “Yes. I’m glad he’s safe. Now lie down and get some sleep. You have school tomorrow.”

“Night, Mama,” Katie wearily said as she laid her head on the pillow.

“Goodnight, Katie,” she softly replied, then whispered, “I love you,” as she kissed her brow and lovingly gazed at her daughter. She stood and backed away towards the door, gently closing it behind her.

* * *

Michaela stopped at the top of the stairs and grasped the handrail, her heart pounding. She didn’t want to go back downstairs, but she knew she had no choice. At this moment she didn’t have the strength to face Sully, but she had to return to the living room to retrieve Mrs. Perkins file so she could review the case before her appointment in the morning.

Downstairs, Sully stared blankly into the fire profoundly disturbed by the events of the evening. The look in Michaela’s eyes when he walked through the door conveyed shock and pain, breaking his heart. It hurt him deeply that his children barely acknowledged his presence. Even Brian retreated to his room without a hello or embrace. “I’ve really messed things up this time,” he thought. Hearing a creek in the floorboard, his eyes flew to Michaela as she slowly descended the stairs.

“Where’s Brian?” he asked in an even tone.

“In his room. He said he had some writing to do,” she answered as she nervously glanced at him. She walked toward the living room and retrieved the patient file, tucking it under her arm.

“Are the kids all right?”

“They’re just surprised to see you,” she paused before continuing, “As I am.”

“Are you?”

She hesitated to steady her emotions. “How long are you staying this time?” she asked with her back to him, feeling far too vulnerable to face him.

Sully was taken aback “What do you mean, how long? I’m home,” he said as he rose from the chair and walked toward her. “Aren’t you glad to see me?”

Michaela’s lip trembled as she turned to face him taking a few steps backwards. “You’re never home for very long before you just leave again. I want to know what to expect this time.”

“I know I deserve that,” he admitted staring down at his feet. Stepping closer he looked into her eyes. “I’m sorry, Michaela. I’m so sorry about everything. I’m sorry about leavin’, bein’ gone so long, bein’ away so much.” He paused for a long moment to see if he was getting through to her, then he continued. “I’m gonna make it up ta you.” Seeing no response from Michaela, his voice grew louder and more desperate. “Give me a chance to make it up ta you. I’m willin’ ta do whatever it takes, just like you said before I left.”

Michaela turned away from him. “I don’t think I can. Too much has happened,” she spoke quietly.

Sully felt like he was choking. After a few moments he forced out his words in a voice so low she had to strain to hear him. “Wh…what…what are ya sayin’?”

She looked at him. His eyes were filled with hurt, but so was her heart. “Why did you leave us Sully? How could you?” she asked to his face, her voice rising in anger. “How could you leave the children and…and me? For so long? How? Why?”

Sully took a deep breath. This was the question he knew he would have to answer, but still he felt unprepared, as if his words, his reasons could never be enough. “I was lost and confused,” he replied pausing. He shrugged his shoulders and struggled to give her the answers she needed. But everything he could think of sounded hollow, no matter how true. “I never stopped thinkin’ about you Michaela. I never stopped loving you. I love you Michaela,” he said passionately as he advanced toward her holding out his hand.

“I can’t do this now,” she stammered and turned to leave. She found it difficult to breathe as the air around her grew heavy and her chest felt like it was being crushed.

Sully grabbed her arm to stop her from leaving. “Don’t! Don’t go now!” he pleaded. “I know I messed up, but please Michaela! I’m here now. Don’t give up on me, on us.”

“I think it’s you who gave up,” she accused as she yanked her arm free. Then she turned and headed for the stairs.

“Don’t you hear what I’m sayin’? Sully said following her to the stairs. He watched as she stopped on the first step, her back to him. “I was lost. I didn’t know where I belonged anymore, or what I was s’posed ta do with my life. I thought about all this up north. I thought about a lot of things.” There was desperation in his voice and he turned her around by the shoulders to finally face him as he spoke. “I know what I want. I’m not goin’ anywhere. I’m here now and I want us ta work things out, just like you said.”

“I can’t do this tonight.” She looked into his eyes and trembled with fear and helplessness. Softly she shook her head. “I…I just can’t.”

“I understand if it’s too soon. If you change your mind…”

“I won’t,” she stated firmly. With this she started to climb the stairs, pausing on the second step and turning to him once more. “I’m going to bed now.” She hesitated a moment. “And, I’d prefer if you’d stay down here tonight.”

Sully’s troubled eyes watched as Michaela ascended the stairs. When he heard the door to their bedroom close, he slumped down in the chair and thought about the evening. “She never got the telegram,” he said dropping his head in his hands. “It must have been such a shock to see me.” He knew his leaving hurt her and he worried that she had lost her trust in him, and perhaps her hope in their future together. “She thinks I gave up. I almost did…, but I’m not givin’ up now.”

When Michaela reached her bedroom, her body was trembling from the shock of seeing Sully home and from her confused emotions. Sitting down in front of the mirror she reached for her brush and gently pulled it through her hair as tears streamed down her face. “Thank God he’s all right,” she thought to herself. Part of her wanted to go to Sully now, put her arms around him, and hear him tell her everything was going to be all right. But another more powerful part of her couldn’t bear to be near him. She felt she couldn’t count on him, that she could no longer believe him. Michaela once trusted Sully with her life. She gave herself to him completely. And now, he had broken her heart and that trust. She didn’t think she’d ever be able to be with him again, to believe in him again, to trust him again. Without trust, she wondered, what hope did they have?

* * *

“What brings ya out here, Hank?” Sully asked seeing Hank arrive at the homestead as he was exiting the barn.

“Well, well, look who’s here. So ya decided ta come back after all,” Hank said derisively from atop his horse. “When’d ya get back?”

“You didn’t answer my question,” Sully pressed.

“Why I’m here?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, it don’t matter now,” Hank supplied shielding his eyes from the sun.

“What’s that s’posed ta mean?” Sully was frustrated with the riddles.

“I’s s’posed ta go lookin’ for you, but you saved me the trouble,” Hank told him. “Now answer my question. When’d ya get home?”

“Last night,” Sully replied. “What do you mean lookin’ for me?”

“Told Michaela I’d go find ya for her,” Hank revealed.

“You, of all people, were gonna go lookin’ for me?” Sully questioned in disbelief.

“Well Sully, ya know I’d never turn down the chance ta cash in when there’s a bounty out on you. Even if it was your wife who put the price on your head,” Hank said in jest, tipping his hat.

“I admit it wouldn’t be the first time you’ve jumped the gun to come after me, but why this time?” Sully asked curious.

“I was gonna get ya and bring ya back to make you face Michaela. Tell her why you left her,” he accused pushing back his hair.

“I didn’t leave her,” Sully shot back tossing the rake to the ground.

“Then where ya been for almost five months Sully?” Hank stared at him, eyes narrowed.

Sully looked down at his feet. “I tried ta get home sooner. I had to sit out a blizzard.”

“Didn’t think ta send word?”

“I tried.” Sully grew agitated. “The wires were down.”

Hank snickered. “They weren’t down all that time,” he countered. “Look Sully, it’s your business. I ain’t gonna interfere now. You’ve gotten yourself into enough trouble without my help,” he said peering down at him intensely. “Like I said, it ain’t my business, but I will tell you somethin’ Sully. We all seen what happened while you was gone. We all seen that. Michaela and those kids have been through hell. They don’t need no more pain. Not from you, not from anybody. I figured ya come home eventually. But, if ya just plan on leavin’ again soon, then maybe you better think ‘bout not comin’ back at all next time, ‘fore Michaela really does put a price on your head…dead or alive,” he warned.

“I ain’t leavin’ Hank,” he snapped, his temper rising.

“Good. I’d hate ta have ta go through all this again. I’m a busy man. Can’t be troublin’ myself with lookin’ for ya every time ya decide ta run off,” Hank said as he pulled up the reins to turn his horse around. “So I guess I’ll be seein’ ya around.”

Sully’s brow creased in consternation as he watched Hank leave. “Why would Hank of all people go looking for me? He said he was gonna bring me back. Is that what everyone thinks?” he wondered. “That I left Michaela?” Sully was startled out of his thoughts by the chatter of children. He turned around and saw Michaela coming outside with Katie and Josef.

“I’ll hitch up the wagon for you,” he offered. “You and the kids wait inside. It’s cold out here.”

Michaela just looked at him unresponsively and turned to go back into the house. When the wagon was hitched, Sully helped his children climb into the back. He offered his hand to Michaela to help her as well. She disregarded it and stiffly pulled herself up into her seat without his help as she had done for more than four months. No one spoke a single word to Sully, not one word.

“I can pick you up from school today and we can do somethin’, just the three of us,” he suggested to Katie and Josef before Michaela took the reins.

“I don’t want to,” Katie replied looking at her schoolbooks.

“All right,” he said swallowing hard. “How ‘bout you Joe?” Sully touched his shoulder. “Wanna do somethin’ after school?”

“No,” Josef replied taking his cue from his sister.

“All right, another time then.” Sully backed away from the wagon disappointed. “Have a good day. I’ll see you this evenin’.” He looked at Michaela, but she stared straight ahead. “I’m gonna do some repairs on the homestead. I see some things that need fixin’,” he said as they slowly rode away, but he had the faint idea that no one was even listening to him. With those words and a slight wave, Sully watched his family leave and disappear into the dust towards town.

* * *

“Brian, we didn’t get much chance ta talk last night,” Sully said as he walked to where Brian was chopping wood. “It’s good to see you. How long are you stayin’?”

Brian continued to chop wood, not bothering to look at him. “Should ask you the same thing,” he retorted.

“Brian look…”

“Seems like you forgot you have a family,” he snapped bringing the ax down on another log.

“I didn’t forget,” Sully softly replied. “I know you’re mad at me.”

Brian threw the ax to the ground. “Mad? Yeah, I’m mad at ya!”

“And you have every right ta be Brian.”

“How could you just take off without a word for more than four months? You shoulda known we’d be worried! How’d you expect Ma to manage everything with two little kids to take care of?”

Sully expected Brian to be upset, but he didn’t expect this. “I’m sorry I worried ya,” he said sincerely. “About the rest, I guess I didn’t think about it. Your ma’s the most capable woman I know.”

“No, you never think do you,” he shouted, riled up, with his face a few inches away from Sully’s. “You just go off whenever you want! And do whatever you want without thinkin’ of anyone but yourself! Like when you almost died in the uprising at the reservation. You didn’t think about anyone else then either,” he said lashing out as tears welled up in his eyes. “Why’d ya even have a family if you weren’t gonna be here for them?” Brian accused as he stepped back from Sully in frustration.

“I ain’t perfect Brian. I make mistakes like anyone else,” he said defensively.

“When they’re the same mistakes over and over again, they stop bein’ mistakes Sully. They just become who you are,” he shouted as his voice cracked. “You leave everyone else to take care of your mess. I shouldn’t have to be here to clean up after you.”

“Brian, are ya upset ya came home? I’m sorry ya left your life in Boston ‘cause a me, but you can get back to it now,” he retorted as he stepped a few paces away.

“No, I didn’t come back ‘cause a you. I came ‘cause I thought Ma needed me and I wanted to help her and Katie and Joey. And I’m not mad I came home,” Brian said as his hands balled into fists at his side. “I’m mad because…because ya made Ma cry all the time and Katie and Joey asked about you every day and no one knew what to say. I’m mad ya didn’t come home for Christmas. I’ve never seen Ma like that before, the way she was when you didn’t come home then. She waited for you all day…we all did!” Brian looked down, swallowing hard. “And I’m mad ya made Katie and Joey think you didn’t love them. If this is how you’re gonna be their Pa, then you’re no better than Ethan! If this is how you’re gonna be then they’d be better off if you left and never came back.” Brian stomped away, his eyes blurred with unshed tears.

Sully could hardly breath. This was Brian yelling at him. The little boy who looked up to him, and for as long as he could remember wanted him to be his Pa. Now he was comparing him to Ethan. He caught up to him and reached for his shoulder stopping him in his tracks. “I’m sorry,” he told Brian in a soft voice. “I never meant to hurt anyone. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, especially lately, but I’m gonna try to make it up to everyone. You’ll see.”

“You can’t Sully.” Brian moved away. “I thought you were brave and honest, always standing up for what’s right. I spent my life tryin’ ta measure up ta your example. Now all I see is a coward who runs away when things get hard.” Brian was unleashing all his pent up anger and fear at seeing his mother and younger siblings so upset. “Do us all a favor,” he added. “Go back where you came from. We don’t need you here.”

“Brian, please. Let’s talk about this,” he pleaded. “This may have been the biggest mistake of my life, but I wanna fix it. Help me fix it,” he begged.

“It’s too late Sully,” Brian said jolting around. “Ma doesn’t need you anymore. I’m all grown up now and I don’t need you anymore. And Katie and Josef sure don’t need you, if this is how you’re gonna be their Pa.” Brian wiped away the tears he could no longer hold back. “As long as you’re in this house, I’m stayin’ at Matthew’s.” He stormed off to saddle up his horse.

“Brian, don’t go.”

But Brian kept walking. He readied his horse for the ride into town.

Sully stood motionless as he watched Brian ride away from the homestead. After several long moments he walked into the house and sank into the chair by the fireplace. Hearing how much his leaving hurt and disappointed his family hit him hard. It didn’t seem possible that Brian could say such cruel things to him and feel so much anger. Thinking of Michaela and the children crying for him, and doubting his love, filled him with incredible remorse. Sully thought about the pain he was in before he left. That pain blinded him to what everyone else was feeling. Now he had to face the pain that his absence caused, realizing that everything he was afraid of happening before he left was now happening because he left. He had convinced himself that everyone would be better off without him, and it struck him deeply to hear that they had begun to wonder the same thing. Now more than ever Sully was going to have to fight to prove himself wrong. And, he would have to fight even harder to prove his family wrong.

Chapter Nineteen

“Stew’s real good Michaela,” Sully complimented as he broke the uncomfortable silence over supper.

“Thank you,” she answered without looking at him.

“How was school today?” he asked the children.

“Okay,” they replied in unison.

“Where’s Brian?” Josef asked having gotten used having him home.

“He’s stayin’ with Matthew,” Sully stated soberly with his eyes focused on Michaela.

“He is?” she asked searching Sully’s face, eyebrows raised.

Sully stared down at his plate.

“Oh. Well…yes I remember,” she said offering an excuse. “Brian wanted to spend more time with Matthew. But don’t worry he’ll see you both after school and I’m sure he’ll come to supper,” she said reassuringly to the children.

Sully nodded his thanks. He knew she understood the real reason Brian had left…because of him.

“Where’s Ben? He always has supper with us,” Katie questioned confused by all the changes since her father came home.

Sully’s jaw clenched and he quickly glanced at Michaela then just as quickly looked away.

Michaela‘s body tensed. “Ben has a lot of research to finish before he returns to New York. I’m afraid he was falling behind and won’t be able to spend as much time with us. Do you understand?”

“I think so,” Katie answered.

“It’s like when I missed school and had to stay extra to catch up,” Josef compared.

“Just like that,” Michaela replied relieved.

“Who’s gonna help me with my history homework?” Katie asked.

“I can help ya Kates,” Sully spoke up eagerly.

“No, Ben always helps me. Besides, you don’t know it,” she said dismissively.

“Katherine Elizabeth, that was rude,” Michaela gently chastised.

“Why would Ben be helpin’ her?” Sully grudgingly questioned.

Michaela looked at Sully. “Ben’s a history professor,” she tried to explain then turned to address Katie. “I’m sure Ben will continue to help you if there’s something your father or I don’t know. For as long as he’s here…” her voice trailed off.

“He’s leavin’?” Josef asked.

“You know Ben lives in New York. He’s only here long enough to research the Indians. He’ll probably move further west to continue his research before heading back home.”

Sully watched his wife intently with an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach as she spoke of Ben.

“May I be excused?” Katie asked. “I have homework.”

“Yes, you may both be excused as soon as you help me clear the table,” Michaela responded.

“I’ll help your ma. You both go do your homework,” Sully spoke up eliciting the first smile from his children since he returned.

Sully helped Michaela clear the table, the tension between them palpable.

“Thank you,” she said as Sully brought the last of the dishes into the kitchen.

“I’ll dry,” he said grabbing a cloth.

“You don’t have to,” she insisted widening the space between them.

“I want to.” He moved closer.

Reluctantly Michaela gave in with a grudging sigh. She washed the dishes and Sully dried them, neither of them exchanging a word.

“Would you like some tea?” he awkwardly suggested when they finished.

“No thank you. I have to get the children ready for bed.” Michaela quickly exited the kitchen and ushered the children upstairs. It was as if she couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Being so close to him and still feeling so confused had her nervous and on edge.

After waiting for almost an hour for Michaela to return, Sully stood and slowly walked upstairs. Upon reaching the landing, he stood outside his bedroom door for a few moments, his heart beating rapidly as he brought his fist up to softly knock. He was unsure if she was sleeping, but still was careful not to wake her. It felt strange to be knocking on his own bedroom door, but she had made it clear the night he came home that he wasn’t welcomed in their bed or in their room. And with the way things were between them, it was better if they didn’t try to share a bedroom just yet. Sleeping in Brian’s room would suffice, for now.

“Come in,” Michaela nervously replied.

When Sully entered the room, he saw Michaela seated at her vanity brushing her hair. He longed to go to her and run his hands through her long beautiful hair, but was frozen still. As she sat there in her nightgown, he noticed how much weight she had lost since he left. Her shoulders were bare and skeletal, and her arms, pale and thin. This fragility was heightened further by the dullness in her usually expressive eyes. She could feel him looking at her. Resting her hairbrush on the vanity, she glanced back at him then quickly looked away. As his eyes searched the room to become reacquainted with their private sanctuary, he noticed their wedding picture gone from its prominent place on the dresser and the color drained from his face.

Sully cleared his throat. “I was wonderin’ if we could talk?”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” she responded frankly. Her body was shaking from nervousness.

“We gotta talk Michaela. I know you said you weren’t ready last night, but we can’t keep avoidin’ each other,” he said softly. It tore him apart to see her like this, so scared and so hurt that he could read it in her eyes. “I know I hurt you, and I know sayin’ I’m sorry ain’t hardly enough. But I wanna work things out. It’s what you said you wanted before I left. Don’t you still want that?”

“I can’t Sully. Not now,” she murmured.

“Are ya gonna stay mad at me forever?”

Michaela finally looked at him. “Mad? I’m far more than mad Sully! I’m angry and frightened and confused and most of all deeply hurt. You hurt me Sully,” she said as she turned away from him. “You hurt me so much,” she choked out as her eyes filled with tears.

He stepped closer. “I’m sorry. I never meant ta hurt you. It’s killin’ me ta see what I’ve done ta you and the kids.”

“You didn’t even send word. I thought you were hurt or…or dead. What were we supposed to think?” she asked as she paused and looked away. “The longer you were gone it became clear to me that you didn’t want to be with us anymore.”

“That’s not true!” he demanded. “I always wanted you and the kids! I never stopped thinkin’ about you when I was gone. Never! Michaela please,” he pleaded with her to hear the truth in his words. “I told ya, I felt lost. You have ta understand that! I thought maybe you didn’t need me. I thought maybe you didn’t…I thought you didn’t even want me anymore,” he countered pointing at himself.

“How can you say that when you yourself just told me exactly what I wanted? How Sully? I asked you if you wanted to work things out, but your answer was to leave and stay away for months?” Michaela accused as the tears threatened to fall. Her voice rose as her emotions began to overwhelm her. “I tried to understand your need to go. I tried! And I waited for you. I waited every day for you to come home to me, to the children! I waited every day hoping you’d send a telegram, a letter, something anything telling me you were all right. But I waited for nothing.” Her hurt and anger were finally spilling out. Now, she looked him in the eye and confessed her true pain. “I believed in you Sully. I trusted you. But, you just stayed away without a single word. Not one word Sully! You missed Thanksgiving. You missed Josef’s birthday and you missed Christmas. How could you miss Christmas?”

Sully wanted to comfort her, but he was frozen in place by guilt. “I tried ta get back in time. You gotta believe me! I got caught in a blizzard and had to hold up in a cabin ‘til it stopped snowin’. I wanted to be here for Christmas, honest! I wanted to be here for it all,” he said as he desperately tried to explain.

Michaela couldn’t bear to face him as her tears finally began to pour out. She quickly stood, walked to the edge of their bed, and gripping the post to regain her control, she coolly wiped away her tears. “I never thought you could hurt me like this,” she whispered. “Not this way.” She looked off into nowhere as she remembered how happy they once were, and it pained her to see how things had changed between them. “I used to believe there was nothing stronger than us, Sully. Nothing stronger than the love and trust we had for one another. But now…now I know I was wrong,” she admitted, her voice breaking.

“You’re not wrong,” he insisted biting back his own tears. “Michaela, I do love you! There’s no stronger feelin’ in me than the love I have for you! You know me better than that,” he entreated.

“I’m not even sure I do know who you are anymore.”

“Please Michaela,” he said lightly grabbing her shoulder. “I can explain everythin’ to you. You’ve got to give me a chance.”

Michaela took a deep breath as she felt the room closing in on her. “I can’t,” she replied in a soft weak voice. “I just…I just…can’t.” Her words trailed off as she stood there shaking her head.

Sully dropped his hand and slowly backed away. “All right. We don’t have to do this now,” he said in barely a whisper. “I’ll be here when you’re ready. I just want you to know that I’m here for you and the kids. And, I ain’t leavin’ ya. Not now, not ever again.” He quietly left the room, pausing to look at her once more before closing the door behind him. Slowly he walked down the hall to Brian’s room.

Michaela lowered her head despairingly into her hands as she cried. Helplessly she fell to her bed, her body trembling. It had taken all her strength to release her bottled up emotions and tell Sully how she really felt. But, there was still so much more inside she didn’t reveal. More than anything, she wanted to believe he was there for her now. She wanted to believe it so much. She wanted to trust him again, but she couldn’t, not right now. Instead, she lay there and wondered how they were ever going to recover.

Sully lay in bed and stared up at the ceiling. Listening to Michaela had been unbearable especially knowing he was the cause of her pain. But, it was better than the silence. As he closed his eyes, he wanted to do something to take away the hurt, to turn back the clock on the past several months, but he couldn’t. His own despair and feelings of failure had driven him to leave without regard to how his family would feel. Now he really had failed them, and he would have to live with the consequences. “I can’t go back,” he thought. “I can only go forward and I ain’t givin’ up.” Sitting up, he swung his legs over the side of the bed, rose, and walked toward the window to look up at the stars. “Michaela, you ain’t wrong,” he spoke into the night. “You and me – what we got is real and strong. This is testin’ us, but we’re not gonna break. We’ll come through this stronger ‘an ever. You’ll see.”

* * *

“Michaela,” Ben greeted as he walked into the clinic. She had just arrived for the day.

“Ben, what are you doing here?” she asked startled.

“I wanted to see how you were? I’m worried about you,” he softly stated. “I wanted to take you to lunch, but that’s probably not a good idea with Sully home. So I came by early instead. How are you?”

“Confused,” she admitted as she bowed her head and continued to roll bandages.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked closing the distance between them.

“I wouldn’t know what to say.”

“Have you talked to Sully? Found out why he was gone so long?” He placed his hand on her back in comfort.

She timidly stepped a few paces away. “We argued last night,” she confessed.

“Did…did he upset you again?” he asked protectively.

“No, he’s trying to talk to me, but I can’t right now.”

“Michaela, for months you tried to understand. Now this is your chance, if Sully will tell you. Don’t you still want to know?” he queried eyebrows raised.

“He tried to tell me, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid to know the truth. I’m not sure it would make any difference now. I don’t know if I can forgive him,” she said as she leaned against her filing cabinet and dropped her head onto her arm to hide her face.

“Are you saying it’s…over?” Ben asked with a hopeful curiosity.

“No, of course not,” she answered quickly then paused. “I can’t make any decisions right now.”

His shoulders slumped. “Michaela, I know this is hard, but it seems to me you have two choices. One, you can forgive Sully for doing this to you, and to the children. Or two, you can move on…without him.”

“I just don’t know. He hurt me so much. I…”

Ben put his arm around her. “I know, and I never want to see you hurt like that again,” he said earnestly. “Has he said anything else to you?”

Michaela stepped away from his embrace. “He said he’s sorry and he loves me. He said he won’t leave again,” she relayed.

“Do you believe him?”

“I want to believe him. I want to so badly, but I’m not sure,” she told him as she stared out the window.

Ben looked away realizing that despite everything, Michaela still loved Sully with all her heart. “Give it time,” he offered. “He’s only been home a few days. It’s too soon to make any decisions. How are the children?”

“They’re confused and upset, and Brian’s moved in with Matthew. I think they argued, but I haven’t spoken to either of them about it so I’m not entirely certain. He’s trying so hard with Katie and Josef, but they’re not ready. I suppose that’s my fault,” she admitted.

“Don’t blame yourself and don’t put so much pressure on yourself to make a decision. Maybe it would be best to focus on the children,” he suggested. “Help Katie and Josef reestablish their relationship with their father. You’d want that regardless of what you decide wouldn’t you?”

“Of course,” she answered immediately. “They shouldn’t have to live their lives without their father there. But, I can’t imagine my life without Sully either. At the same time I can’t imagine getting past the pain I feel. You’re right though. Either way I want to help Sully repair his relationship with the children. That’s what’s most important right now.”

“Focus on the children Michaela and give the rest time. You’ll know what to do,” he reassured.

“Thank you Ben. You’ve been such a good friend.”

“I’m here anytime you need to talk. Take care of yourself.” Ben turned to leave the clinic and nearly collided with Horace.

“Oh, uh, excuse me, Ben,” Horace stammered quickly.

“What’s your hurry?” Ben asked.

“Dr. Mike, a telegram came for you,” Horace spoke, his face pale. “I gotta warn ya it was written a few weeks back, but it only got here now ‘cause they had to repair the wires. It looks important.”

“Horace, the telegram?” Michaela demanded with her hands trembling.

Horace handed it to her and he and Ben watched as she opened it. Holding the telegram in her unsteady hands she read the words Sully had written so many weeks ago.

January 25, 1880

Dr. Quinn

Bryon Sully wrote telegram below to you on January 2, 1880. Wires were down from the blizzard until today. Please accept our apologies and I hope he arrived home safely.

Dear Michaela

I’m coming home. Got trapped in a blizzard and couldn’t make it home for Christmas. I love you. I’ll explain everything when I get home. Hug Katie and Josef for me. All my love, Sully.

Upon reading his words she nearly felt the life drain out of her. Her face turned pale and her breath caught in her throat.

“Michaela are you all right?” Ben asked worriedly as he reached for her arm.

“Sully’s comin’ home, Dr. Mike.” Horace announced.

“Horace,” she calmly replied. “Sully arrived home days ago.” Inadvertently, and still in shock, Michaela calmly let the letter drop from her hand. Lightly fluttering through the air, it came to rest on the clinic floor.

* * *

“Supper’s ready,” Michaela quietly announced to Sully who was reading by the fire with several books by his side.

“I’ll be right there,” he answered absorbed by the book.

She curiously walked toward him and peered over his shoulder to see what he was reading.

Sully noticed her curiosity and looked up at her. “They’re Katie’s schoolbooks. I ain’t had much formal schoolin’ so I figure if I’m gonna help her with her homework I better learn what she’s learnin,” he explained. I figure it’s gonna get harder the older she gets. I might as well start now.”

Michaela was touched, but not surprised. This was exactly something Sully would do. She took a deep breath and let out a faint sigh of understanding. “You can get back to it later. Please, supper is getting cold.”

He closed the book and took a seat at the table. “What’d ya do at school today Kates?”

She didn’t want to answer, but a disapproving eye from her mother provoked her to reply. “We talked about the revolution war,” Katie answered reluctantly.

“It’s the Revolutionary War, Katie. It’s when the colonies fought against the British to become the United States,” he explained. “Remember a few years back we celebrated the country’s one hundredth birthday and Colorado became the 38th state?”

“I remember,” she flatly stated not looking at her father.

“Remember the fireworks and the party after?” he persisted. Sully was trying. He was trying as hard as he could to have her open up and talk with him, about school or anything.

“I guess,” she responded disinterested.

“Like the Boston tea party,” Josef spoke up. “That was in Boston. Ma, were you there? Do you remember that?”

Michaela and Sully laughed and momentarily glanced at each other. “Josef, the Boston tea party happened over 100 years ago,” she explained. “And it wasn’t exactly a party in the way you think. The colonies protested being taxed by the British by throwing tea overboard in Boston Harbor.”

“Oh,” he said not really understanding.

“Josef, have you finished your arithmetic homework?” Michaela asked.

“No. It’s hard,” he said.

“Would you like me to help you with it after supper,” his mother offered.

Josef shook his head in agreement. “What do I have to know that for anyway?”

“Cause it’s real important son,” Sully started to explain. “I couldn’t have built this house without knowin’ arithmetic, or do my survey work, or shop at Mr. Bray’s store.”

“Mama, when can we go sledding again?” Josef asked steering the conversation away from school and his father.

“I don’t know sweetheart,” Michaela nervously replied.

“I’ll take ya sleddin’,” Sully offered.

“I wanna go with Brian and take my new sled.”

“New sled?” he asked assuming Michaela bought him one for Christmas.

“The one Ben gave me for Christmas. It’s blue and it goes really fast,” Josef clarified.

Sully looked toward Michaela for some sort of explanation. She avoided his eyes and he looked away agitated. He stood up from the table. “Uh…I’m gonna make coffee,” he stammered walking toward the kitchen.

“I can do that,” she called to him rising out of her chair.

“No. I’ve got it,” he answered. Michaela uneasily sat back down in her seat as Sully wandered to the kitchen and stared out the window. The constant rejection by his wife and children weighed heavy on his heart, and the constant reference to Ben, this man who was a stranger to him, wore on his nerves. Giving them the time they needed became more difficult each time he heard Ben’s name. Sully couldn’t help but wonder who he was, and what this all meant.

* * *

“Katie, get ready for bed. I’ll be with you shortly,” Michaela told her as she guided Josef into his room.

Katie obeyed her mother and walked to her room while Michaela helped Josef change into his pajamas. Sully silently followed them up the stairs, and stopping by Katie’s room, he considered going inside, but hesitated when he heard Michaela and Josef talking in the next room.

“Are you all right, sweetheart?” Michaela asked as she turned down the bed covers for her son.

He nodded and crawled into bed.

“Why don’t you go with Papa after school tomorrow? I know he’d like that,” she gently prodded pulling the quilt up over him.

“I don’t wanna,” he answered shaking his head.

“Why not? Remember how much you wanted him to come home? Well, he’s here now and he wants to spend time with you. You love sledding and I know you’d enjoy going with Papa.” Josef lay in bed silently listening to his mother. Michaela reached over and stroked her son’s hair. “Your father loves you very much, Josef,” she said sincerely.

Sully stood outside his son’s room listening to Michaela’s words. He felt guilty to be eavesdropping, but he couldn’t stop.

“He’s never here,” Josef choked out sniffling. “He didn’t come home for my birthday or…or…Christmas.”

Michaela leaned over and wrapped her arms around him. “I know how much it hurt you that he missed those things, but he does love you. I’m sure he wanted to be here with you,” she insisted rocking him back and forth.

“He’s gonna go away again. He always does,” he said with tears in his eyes.

“But, he’s here now and he loves you very much. Give him a chance to show you.” His mother comforted him by rubbing his back.

Josef was quiet for a moment. “Love you, Mama,” he finally said leaning back and putting his head on the pillow.

“I love you too, sweetheart.”

Sully quickly moved away from the door and into the shadows of the hallway before Michaela could see him. As she entered Katie’s room, he quickly took up post outside her door as well. Katie was sitting up in bed reading.

“You were very quiet tonight,” Michaela observed.

Katie continued reading.

“What’s wrong? You can tell me anything sweetheart.” Michaela sat on the bed, reached for the book, closed it, and placed it on the nightstand.

“When’s Papa leavin’?” Katie finally asked hugging her stuffed rabbit.

Sully stood outside Katie’s room, his heart aching as he listened.

Michaela sighed heavily. “He says he’s not. He says he’s home for good this time. I thought you’d be happy to have Papa home,” she said reaching for her hand.

“I’m not.”

“Sweetheart, I know you and Josef are both hurt right now, but I’d like you to give your father a chance.”

“Don’t you hate him, Mama? He hurt you too. You were sad, remember?” Katie asked confused.

Sully held his breath.

“No, Katie. I don’t hate him. I love your father,” Michaela softly admitted, then with a sigh added, “very much. Just as you do.”

“But he made you sad. Remember how sad you were after Christmas? You cried a lot. I was scared Mama.”

“I’m so sorry, Katie. I never should have frightened you the way I did. Yes, Mama was so very sad and I’m afraid I didn’t think about how that would affect you and Josef. I’m truly sorry for that. I’m truly sorry. Will you forgive me?” Katie nodded. “Then I’d like you to try to forgive your father too.” She lovingly leaned down and hugged her daughter. “People we love will disappoint and hurt us, but he’s your father and he loves you very much. And now, he’s trying to do the best he can,” she tried to explain.

“Why is Papa sleepin’ in Brian’s room?”

“Your father and I need to work some things out, but it has nothing to do with you. He loves you and I love you too with all my heart. Nothing would make me happier than to see the two of you laughing and having fun again,” she said pulling the covers up around her daughter.

Katie thought about what her mother said. “I don’t want to,” she replied as she rolled over.

“That’s all right. You don’t have to do anything right away. I know you’ll want to spend time with him again soon. You just have to wait until you’re ready.” She kissed Katie’s brow. “Goodnight, I love you.”

“Love you, Mama,” Katie answered. Michaela lingered a moment at the door of her daughter’s room and gazed lovingly at her as she fell into a peaceful sleep.

Sully silently walked into Brian’s room with his head hung low. Stepping toward the bed, he lowered himself and sat down with his hands folded in his lap. Michaela still loved him. He heard her tell Katie and he could tell she meant it. But, there was such sadness in her voice. His unfocused eyes stared blankly at the floor as he recalled the resignation in her voice when she spoke of him doing the best he could, as if he couldn’t do any better. With all his heart, he knew he could and would do better from now on.

Even more painful was hearing how much he had hurt Katie. It was clear his absence was hard on her, but something else frightened and disturbed her. But what could have happened? What did she mean by Michaela being so sad? After listening to his family’s anguish, the only shred of hope remaining was that Michaela had encouraged the children to renew their relationship with him. This was something Sully wanted desperately as well. Since they were on common ground when it came to the children, he decided to focus all his energy on rebuilding their trust. Once Michaela saw how dedicated he was to his family, he thought, maybe she’d realize how dedicated he was to her. Then finally, he and Michaela could work on rebuilding their own relationship.

* * *

Hearing Michaela shut the door to their bedroom, Sully quietly walked into Josef’s room and took a seat on the edge of his bed. “Joe, are ya awake?” he softly spoke as he stroked his son’s honey brown hair. Josef didn’t respond. Sully could tell he was still awake, and that he could hear him even if Josef didn’t acknowledge his presence. He continued whispering, “Josef, I’m real sorry. I know I hurt you. I should have been home for your birthday and I tried ta get home for Christmas, I really did. You got a right ta be mad at me. I love you and wanna do things with you. I’d like ya to forgive me.” Josef remained silent. “It’s all right if ya can’t right away, but just know that I’ll be here. I’m not goin’ anywhere,” he said leaning over and kissing the top of his head. “I made you a present for your birthday. I’ll leave it on your dresser. G’night son.”

As his father left the room a lone tear fell from Josef’s eye onto the pillow.

Next Sully crept into Katie’s room and kneeled down at the side of her bed. As he lovingly gazed at his sleeping daughter, he spoke softly from the heart. “I’m sorry sweet girl. I really am. I never meant to hurt you or your ma. I love all of you so much.” As he watched Katie sleep, his eyes roamed from his daughter to the beautiful quilt he had never seen before, adorned with squares of Indian life and nature. As he ran his fingers lightly over the designs, he smiled as he thought about how his daughter’s favorite things mirrored his own. And he knew that between his two children, Katie would be his biggest challenge.

* * *

Josef awoke the next morning and looked at the package Sully had left on his dresser the night before. Having heard every word his father said to him last night, he unwrapped the package and lifted up a wooden toy train painted blue and red. As he climbed down the stairs, carrying the train under his arm, he spotted his father sitting by the fire drinking coffee.

Sully looked up and noticed Josef descending the stairs with the train tucked under his arm. “Mornin’. You’re up early. Hope ya like it,” he said with a soft proud laugh, wanting nothing more than to see Josef smile.

“No, I don’t want it,” he choked out.

Sully rose and started moving toward him. “Josef, I tried ta tell ya last night, I’m sorry.”

“No! Leave me alone!” he shouted. “I got one a lot nicer from Ben! This train’s stupid!” With tears in his eyes, Josef hurled the train into the fire. “I don’t want it,” he cried dropping in a heap on the floor.

Hearing all the commotion, Michaela hurried down the stairs. “What’s going on down here?” she asked worriedly. Seeing Josef curled up on the floor in tears, she wanted an explanation. “Sully?”

They both rushed to Josef’s side. “I tried ta tell ‘im I was sorry for not bein’ here,” Sully tried to explain. “And I gave him a train I made for him, but he….,” Sully turned to the fireplace and pointed.

“He threw it in the fire?” she asked horrified.

Sully nodded unable to speak from the ache in his heart. He had spent hours upon hours carving the train with his own hands for his son. He wanted nothing more than to put a smile on Josef’s face. Instead, his son was in tears on the floor and the train was burning in the fire.

Kneeling on the floor both parents tried to console their crying son. Michaela wrapped her arms around him, holding him, and Sully rubbed his back. “Josef, let’s go upstairs and talk about this,” she said as she stood with Josef in her arms. Josef tightly hugged his mother’s neck and cried on her shoulder. Sully followed close behind, but once they reached the foot of the stairs, Michaela, with a raised hand, silently bid him to remain downstairs.

Sully walked back to the fire and slumped down in the chair, his eyes fixed on the flames engulfing the train. As the wood burned and the flames blazed, he watched as the train got smaller and smaller. He remembered how Josef would follow him everywhere and try to imitate the things he did. He fondly recalled how he used to say he wanted to be just like him one day. Sully thought they were as close as father and son could be, but now, that closeness was gone.

Upstairs Michaela sat Josef down on the edge of his bed, wiping away his tears. “Josef, I know you’re upset, but what you did downstairs was unacceptable. We don’t destroy things in this house,” she gently chastised. “Your father must have worked very hard on that train and he made it out of love. Why did you throw it in the fire?”

“I don’t know,” he told his mother sniffling.

“Didn’t Papa tell you he was sorry and that he wanted to be here for your birthday and Christmas?” Michaela assumed.

“Yeah,” Josef replied.

“Don’t you believe him?”

“I guess,” he admitted reluctantly.

Michaela was glad Sully was reaching out to the children. Even though his advances had been rejected thus far, she was certain they would forgive him in time. Right now, she wanted nothing more than for the children to rebuild their relationship with their father.

“The two of you are a lot alike you know,” she gently stated as she rubbed his back.

Josef’s eyes widened. “We are?”

“Yes. Your father once threw a wooden rocking horse into the fire,” she remembered.

“He did? Was he mad?”

“I believe it was something like that. He was upset and hurt, just like you,” she recalled. “Josef, do you remember going fishing and sledding with Papa?”

He nodded.

“Was it fun?”

“Yeah,” he admitted as he clutched his pillow.

“Then I’d like you to do something for me,” she requested as she smoothed back his hair.

“What?”

“I’d like you to remember all those nice times you had with him and remember how much you really do love him. Then when we go downstairs I’d like you to apologize to your father for destroying the train and I’d like you to try to forgive him. You can start by spending some time with him,” she said pausing to let her words sink in.

Josef hesitated. “No. I’m not sorry. And I don’t wanna spend no time with him!”

“Whether you’re sorry or not is not the point Josef. What you did downstairs was wrong and I want you to apologize. You can wait until you’re ready to spend time with your father again,” she compromised. “But you will apologize young man.”

Josef remained quiet.

“Now let’s get dressed and go back downstairs,” she said bringing her arms around him and hugging him tightly.

Michaela helped Josef dress for school and together they descended the stairs. Upon reaching the bottom step, she placed her hand on his back nudging him toward Sully.

Glancing back at his mother, Josef tentatively walked toward his father, but stopped short. “No. I don’t wanna,” he shouted turning to Sully.

Sully turned at hearing his son’s voice. “Joe?”

“Go away,” he yelled at his father as he ran out of the house.

Sully leapt up as Josef slammed the front door behind him. Michaela started after Josef, but Sully intervened. “Let me go.”

She nodded and reluctantly turned to go upstairs to wake Katie and help her get ready for school.

Sully hurried out of the house and paused on the porch as his eyes darted in all directions searching for his son. With no sign of him anywhere, he raced down the porch steps and ran toward the barn. Stopping right outside the door he could hear cries coming from inside. Slowly, he opened the door and entered, seeing his son angrily propped on top of the hay.

“Josef.” He eased toward him.

“Go away! I hate you!” the little boy cried.

Sully gingerly walked toward him and sat down next to him in the hay. “I know you’re mad at me and you got a right ta be,” he said reaching out to comfort his son. Josef was silent as tears rolled down his cheeks. Sully continued. “I shoulda been home more and I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you all this time.” He rubbed his back to calm him down. “But I love you son and I missed doin’ things with you.”

Josef looked up at his father. “You did?”

“Sure did. I didn’t have anyone to hunt or look for animal tracks with. I had to bait my own hook for fishin’ and had no one to help me set my traps or find good pieces of wood so I could carve things. And, when I got lonely I didn’t have no one to tell me all about their day like you always did. I missed seein’ your drawin’s and hearin’ all about your first year in school. I thought about you and Katie every day.”

Josef wiped the tears from his eyes, then without warning threw his arms around his father. “I love you Papa.”

“Oh, I love you too Joe.” Sully wrapped his arms around his son and held him tight while Josef cried into his chest. “Shh…it’ll be all right,” he reassured, rocking him back and forth. “Don’t cry. I’m not goin’ anywhere. I’m here for you now.” They remained in one another’s arms for several long moments.

“I…I’m s-sorry I threw the train in the fire,” Josef finally said as he clung to his father’s neck.

Sully rubbed his back. “That’s all right. It was too soon to give it to ya,” he acknowledged.

“Is everything all right in here?” Michaela asked as she entered the barn.

Sully’s head shot up at the sound of her voice and he nodded. Michaela’s eyes glistened with unshed tears as she saw the two most important men in her life take their first step toward healing.

She stepped closer to her son. “It’s time for school sweetheart,” she lovingly said, placing her hand on his head.

Sully rose to his feet with the little boy clinging to his leg. “Why don’t you take Josef back in the house and I’ll hitch up the wagon?” he suggested to his wife.

Michaela nodded her consent.

“No. I wanna help Papa,” Josef demanded.

“All right. We’ll both hitch it up,” he said tousling his hair. Sully turned to Michaela. “I’ll call you and Katie when we’re done.”

She softly smiled at them and left the barn, glad that the special relationship between father and son appeared to be on the mend.

Chapter Twenty

“Horace, can ya mail this letter for me?” Sully asked handing him the letter to the General Land Office of the Interior Department.

Horace nodded and took the letter, never making eye contact.

Sully handed Horace a few coins. “Somethin’ wrong, Horace?”

“No,” he answered as he returned to sorting the mail.

“How ya been?” Sully asked sincerely.

“Fine. Now if you don’t need anything else I have lots of work to do,” Horace spoke formally.

Sully’s brow creased in confusion. “No, that’s it. Thank you Horace,” he replied shaking his head wondering what was wrong. As he left the telegraph office, he walked toward the mercantile to get supplies for the repairs on the homestead.

“Look who’s back,” Jake yelled from across the street. “Never thought we’d see you again. How long ya stayin’ this time,” he chided with a chuckle.

“Jake,” Sully returned and he nodded ignoring the barb.

“What can I do for you Sully?” Loren gruffly asked seeing him enter the store.

“How ya been Loren?” Sully asked pleased to see him.

“All right I suppose. Now what can I get ya?”

“I’m doin’ some repairs on the homestead. I need these nails, four of these bolts, and two posts,” he told Loren as he showed him what he needed. Sully watched Loren gather the supplies aware he was angry. “Wanna tell me what’s wrong Loren?”

Loren hesitated. “Sully,” he drawled. “Why’d ya have ta be gone so long?”

“I didn’t mean ta be,” he answered sincerely with his head down.

“Well, I hope you’re not too late,” Loren worriedly added.

“Too late?”

“Aww, nothin’. Here ya go,” he said as he handed him the supplies. “That will be one dollar and twelve cents.”

Sully handed Loren the money. “Thank you, Loren. I’ll be seein’ ya.” He turned to leave, but stopped when he noticed Reverend Johnson coming out of his room. “Reverend, good ta see you,” he called.

“Sully, is that you?” the Reverend asked walking toward his voice.

“It’s me,” he answered taking his hand.

“So, can I expect you and Michaela at church Sunday?” he asked hopefully.

“Sure, we’ll be there,” he responded. Then he left the mercantile and walked toward the livery. “Robert E.,” Sully called.

“Sully! When’d you get back?” Robert E. asked excitedly shaking his hand.

“About a week ago. Just now gettin’ ta town,” he explained. “I’m doin’ some repairs on the homestead, but I was wonderin’ if ya know of any work?”

“I got some things ya could do ‘round here, and I know Jake was countin’ on ya ta built an addition onto his house ‘fore the new baby came,” he told him.

“Thanks Robert E. I’ll talk ta Jake.”

“Sully, why do ya need extra work? Did ya quit your job or somethin’?” Robert E. was curious.

“No. I’m hopin’ ta make some changes though. How’re Grace and the kids?”

“Real good. Grace sure will be glad ta see you.”

“Why’s that?”

“We’ve been real worried ‘bout you. Thought somethin’ happened to ya.” Robert E. wiped his brow and held the iron over the fire.

“I’m sorry I caused folks ta worry, especially my family. I got trapped in a blizzard for a while is all,” he explained.

“Well it’s good ta have ya back,” Robert E. spoke sincerely patting him on the back.

“Thanks Robert E.,” Sully replied gratefully.

Robert E.’s brow furrowed as he watched his friend walk away from the livery. While he wasn’t one to judge folks, he didn’t understand how Sully could have left his wife and kids for so long. Nothing could make him leave Grace or the children. Still, he trusted him, and knew he must have had his reasons. As he watched him disappear around a corner, he silently prayed that Sully and his family would be all right.

* * *

“Michaela,” Sully called from the other side of their bedroom door.

She was preparing for church, but wasn’t quite dressed yet. Opening the door a crack, she peeked her head around to answer. “I’ll be ready shortly.” >p>Sully shifted his feet uncomfortably in the hallway. “Uh…I need ta come in,” he stammered. “I need ta get my suit,” he murmured. “For church.”

Slowly, Michaela opened the door hiding her half-clothed body timidly behind it. Her dress was lightly draped over her front, but remained unbuttoned down her back. “Come in,” she spoke hesitantly and with one hand she held her dress tight to her body and wiped back her untamed hair with the other.

Sully walked to their wardrobe, his eyes glancing awkwardly around the room to avoid staring at her. Still, he couldn’t help catching a glimpse out of the corner of his eye. She looked radiant in her light blue dress with her hair falling down her back. He was quite aware of her modest nervousness at this moment and he laughed to himself at how ridiculous it was since they both knew he had seen her in much less. But, like a gentleman, he wouldn’t add to her unease. He retrieved his suit and a white shirt, draping them over his arm. Then turning to leave, he noticed his wife still hurriedly trying to finish dressing, but struggling with the intricate row of buttons on the back of her dress. Tentatively, he walked toward her.

“Here,” he said placing his clothes on the bed. “Let me help you with those.”

“No! Uh, I mean, I can do it. Thank you.” She grew increasingly nervous at his closeness.

“I’ll help ya,” he offered again.

Michaela stepped back quickly, but was stopped from her retreat by the wall behind her. As her bare back pressed against it she raised her hand slightly to hold off his advance. “N…no really,” she stuttered. “I can do it.”

“Fine.” He plainly stated. He went to retrieve his clothes from the top of the bed where he had laid them, but paused. Looking back over his shoulder, he could see Michaela desperately, and very unsuccessfully, trying to button her dress. As her arms twisted every which way and her fingers searched and missed the buttons, she let out little grunts and moans in her exhaustive determination. Sully chuckled at her stubbornness.

Michaela heard his light chuckle. She realized how foolish she was being and even giggled herself at how silly she must look. She dropped her arms with a heavy sigh and softly glanced at Sully as a sign of surrender. He caught this look with a smile and willingly approached to finally offer his assistance.

“I figured ya’d give up soon,” he jokingly chastised. “You’ve always needed help with this dress. It’s got all these tiny buttons. Go ahead and turn around.”

Shyly, she did so. Sully reached over and gently lifted her hair to move it out of the way. In doing this he lightly swept his hand across her bare shoulder. This seemingly innocent touch sent a wave of remembrance through them both. Michaela inhaled softly and held her breath. Seeing her exposed neck and back sent shivers up and down his body. The earlier lightness in the air again turned to nervousness. Carefully, and with unsteady hands, he began to fasten her buttons. As he worked his way up, his fingers repeatedly brushed lightly against her skin.

Once he finished Sully stood there, holding the last fastened button between his fingers, not wanting to let go. Being this close to her heightened all his senses. Even with that slightest touch he couldn’t remember her feeling as soft as she did then. He closed his eyes to linger a moment longer in the scent of her hair and her skin, a delicate fragrance he had missed for so long now. Then Sully swallowed softly, released the button, and gently drew his hand across her now covered shoulder.

Michaela, stirred by his touch, lightly cleared her throat. “Thank you,” she said, turning to face him timidly. “Um, I’ll meet you downstairs with the children.”

Sully nodded, retrieved his clothes and slowly backed away to exit the room, shutting the door behind him. When he finished dressing he came downstairs to join his family who were ready to leave. Michaela always loved when Sully wore a suit, and as much as she tried, she couldn’t stop glancing at him. He didn’t always wear a suit to church and she wondered why he chose to do so today. When the wagon was hitched, he helped Michaela and the children climb in and they headed to church.

* * *

“Good Morning Reverend,” Michaela greeted as she walked through the church door.

“Michaela, Sully, I’m glad you’re both here today,” Reverend Johnson told them as they entered the church.

“Michaela, how are you?” Dorothy exclaimed. Many of the townspeople were surprised to see Sully, Dorothy included.

“I’m fine Dorothy,” she answered quickly not wanting to explain anything to the contrary.

“Sully, it’s good to see you too,” she stated politely noticing some tension between them.

“Miss Dorothy,” he replied with a nod. Sully noticed the edge in Dorothy’s voice as she greeted him and knew she was angry with him too.

Michaela settled the children in the second row of the church and she sat down. Sully took a seat next to her on the aisle.

“Jake,” Sully called.

“Mornin’, Sully, Dr. Mike,” Jake returned.

“Robert E. told me you wanted ta add onto your house ‘fore the new baby came,” he said hoping it wasn’t too late.

“Yeah, I do,” Jake responded. “You interested?”

“Sure. When’s it gotta be done?”

“The baby’s due in June. You fixin’ ta be around that long?” Jake couldn’t resist taking another shot at him.

Michaela looked over. She was curious as to how he would respond.

“Jake, I ain’t goin’ anywhere. I think I can get it done by then, sooner maybe if the weather holds,” he responded ignoring the barb yet again.

“Good. Can ya come by and I’ll show ya the plans?” Jake asked relieved.

“Sure.”

“Thanks Sully.”

“Michaela, it’s good to see you,” Ben exclaimed noticing how beautiful she looked today. “Sully,” he added with a nod.

“Jason, Ben,” he politely acknowledged. Having been disturbed by the look Ben gave his wife, Sully sat stiffly in his seat.

“Good morning Ben, Jason,” Michaela greeted with a warm smile, then she awkwardly looked away.

Seated next to her Sully noticed that Michaela seemed tense. While things between them had generally been uncomfortable since his return, the amusing little moment they shared this morning seemed to break a bit of the tension. Still, at this moment, he wondered if her unease was related to Ben. As the service progressed, he kept an eye on Ben who was sitting on the opposite side of the church. Several times during the service he noticed him glance at his wife. In response, Sully protectively put his arm around her and rested his hand on her shoulder. Michaela stiffened immediately. Confused and slightly unsure of how to react, she glanced down at his hand then forward again, not once looking at him directly. Sully noticed her tense, and was sure Ben had noticed too. He longed for her to rest her head on his shoulder, but instead she stared straight ahead, intent on listening to every word of the Reverend’s Sunday service.

* * *

“That looks real good, Sully,” Robert E. complimented.

“Thanks Robert E., I appreciate the work,” he replied as he shaped a piece of iron.

“Ya talk ta Jake?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna start over there tomorrow,” Sully said taking another piece of metal from the blacksmith to shape. Both men worked silently for a long while.

“Are things gettin’ back ta normal?” Robert E. finally asked.

“It’s been rough.” Sully sighed.

“I imagine it has.”

“We can’t talk to each other anymore,” Sully confessed revealing his frustration.

“Sully, your leavin’ was real hard on Dr. Mike. Real hard. You gotta give her time ta get used ta things,” he counseled.

“I’m tryin’, but how’s anythin’ gonna get better if she won’t talk ta me or spend time with me?”

“Dr. Mike should be done at the clinic ‘bout now. Why don’t you stop by and take her for a walk or over to Grace’s?” he suggested. Robert E. remained grateful to Dr. Mike and Sully for helping he and Grace repair their marriage. He wanted to do the same, if he could.

“What do ya mean done?” he asked. As far as he knew Michaela worked until four o’clock and often later.

“You mean ya don’t know?”

“Know what?”

“Ever since she hired Dr. Morrison, she’s been leavin’ the clinic early to spend time with the kids. She almost always picks ‘em up from school unless she’s helpin’…uh…people with other things,” he finished quickly.

Sully could tell Robert E. was holding back something from him. “I’ll go see her then. Thanks Robert E.” Sully put away the tools, washed up a bit, and headed toward the clinic.

Hank was standing outside the Gold Nugget and spotted Sully. “Sure ya don’t wanna come in Sully,” he called to him noticing he seemed distracted and upset. “Ya look like you could use a drink…or one a my girls.”

“No thanks Hank,” he replied in a slightly cynical tone of voice.

When Sully reached the front door of the clinic, he knocked in case Michaela was with a patient.

Jason opened the door. “Good afternoon, Mr. Sully. What can I do for you?” he asked politely.

“It’s just Sully and I was lookin’ for my wife,” he replied uneasy at seeing Jason in Michaela’s clinic.

“I’m sorry. You just missed her,” he replied.

“Do ya know where she went?”

“No, I don’t,” Jason admitted aware of Sully’s disappointment. “Sorry.”

“Thanks anyway Jason. See ya around.”

“So Jason works with Michaela,” he thought as he left the clinic. His mind went back to his first night home and the supper he walked in on. “So that’s why she was talkin’ ta him about patients and the clinic. It would make sense if she had hired him, but I had begged her to do that months ago and she wouldn’t even hear of it then. Why did she wait ‘til I left ta get help? And, why hasn’t she even bothered to mention it to me now?”

Sully thought Michaela might be visiting Dorothy as she often did so he headed toward the Gazette. He opened the door and saw Dorothy writing at her desk. “Excuse me, Dorothy.”

Dorothy looked up from her writing. “Oh, hello Sully. What can I do for you?”

“I was wonderin’ if you’ve seen Michaela? I was over at the clinic and Jason said she left. I thought she might be here,” he explained.

“I’m sorry Sully, I don’t know where she is, but she can’t be far. She’ll be picking the children up at three o’clock,” she told him and she returned to her writing.

“Dorothy,” Loren called entering the Gazette. “Oh, Sully, I didn’t see you here.”

“I was just lookin’ for Michaela. Thought she’d be here,” he repeated.

“If ya ask me, find Ben and you’ll find Dr. Mike,” Loren returned sharply.

“Loren Bray!” Dorothy flashed Loren a disapproving look. “Loren Bray, now don’t cause trouble.”

“What do you mean with Ben?” Sully asked as his jaw clenched.

“The two of them spend quite a lot of time together. If you ask me, it’s too cozy with her bein’ a married woman and all,” Loren went on.

“Loren! Stop spreadin’ gossip,” Dorothy said agitated as she watched the pained expression in Sully’s eyes.

“Is this true Dorothy?” The tone in his voice demanded an answer from her.

“Well,” Dorothy hesitated.

“Is…it…true?” Sully demanded.

“Michaela and Ben are just friends. He’s doing research on the Indians and she and Brian often show him the old Cheyenne reservation and tell him about the Indians. He even interviewed me about my book on Cloud Dancing,” she said with pride. As she finished she noticed him shift his feet uncomfortably. “They’re just friends Sully. Michaela would never do anything improper.”

“You call it proper the way she was dancin’ with him at the Sweetheart’s Dance! If you ask me…”

“Well nobody’s askin’ you, Loren,” Dorothy scolded.

Loren continued anyway. “While I don’t approve of what’s goin’ on I can’t say as I blame her what with you never bein’ here,” he said shooting Sully a disapproving look. “Besides them two got more in common than you two ever did.”

“Loren, that’s enough! I’m sorry Sully. It’s not like it sounds, honest.”

“Sounds ta me like neither one of you’s sure what it’s like and what it ain’t.” With a final glare to both, Sully hurried out the door, running right into Preston as he reached the street.

“My, my, the prodigal son returns,” Preston chided. Sully glared at Preston and kept walking. Preston hurried his pace to catch up with him. “Sully, I hope you’re not going to fight Michaela on a divorce.”

Sully walked faster, doing his best to ignore him.

“There will be a divorce, of course. Won’t there? Naturally, Michaela would have to be crazy to stay with you after all this. About as crazy as she was to marry you to begin with! You just let me know Sully, and I’ll handle all your financial needs. You’ll be needing a loan for a good lawyer.” Preston’s words were like daggers in Sully’s heart. As his temper flared, Sully picked up his pace. Preston, unaware that Sully was about to reach a boiling point, went on. “I’m sure that Ben will gladly take care of Michaela’s expenses. It seems she’s finally found a man suited for her.”

But, Sully had heard enough. At these final words he sharply turned, grabbed Preston by his suit lapel, jerking him off his feet. He slammed him against the side of a building and got eye to eye with him. Sully had all he was going to take. “You done runnin’ your mouth Preston, or do ya got somethin’ else ta add?” Sully sneered.

“Now Now! Just calm down Sully. Calm down.” But Sully held his glare on Preston, the anger flaring in his eyes. Preston grew ever more nervous and scared. “I…I…was just offering my assistance Sully! Really! Now, please put me down.”

He obliged, releasing his grip and letting Preston fall to the ground. Then, Sully speedily walked off, rounded the corner, and mounted his horse. He took off, away from Preston, away from everyone in town. He rode fast and in no particular direction, his heart pounding. An hour or so later he arrived at the homestead hoping to find Michaela there. Instead, the house was empty. He made a fire in the living room and sat on the rug to think and to cool off his temper. Did Michaela really want a divorce? The idea never even occurred to him. “If she did,” he thought, “she would have said somethin’. She wouldn’t let me stay here and try to be part of this family,” he reasoned. “After all, this was Preston talkin’. He’d say anything to get me riled up.”

As much as Sully tried to stop thinking the worst, he couldn’t ignore the facts. Michaela and Ben were linked in too many ways. “Josef’s birthday, Christmas, and the whole town seein’ them at the dance and thinkin’ somethin’s goin’ on. And don’t forget the cozy supper the night I came home,” he thought. There were too many similarities between their relationship and the one Sully and Michaela had themselves before they revealed their true feelings. Something about their “friendship” just didn’t sit right with him.

Sully couldn’t get the thought of the Sweetheart’s Dance out of his mind. It surprised him that she would even go to the dance without him. He couldn’t remember a time when they hadn’t gone together. His vision blurred in frustration as he stared at the flames in the fireplace, unable to erase the idea of his wife dancing the night away in another man’s arms. Lost in thought, he didn’t hear the front door open.

* * *

As the children ran upstairs, Michaela noticed Sully staring into the fire completely oblivious that she and the children were home. “Is everything all right?” she asked.

Sully was startled at hearing her voice. “Yeah. Just thinkin’.”

“About what?” she asked sensing his obvious distress.

He knew she didn’t want to know that he had been thinking about her and Ben, or that those thoughts were tearing him apart. “Nothin’ really,” he lied. “I came ta see you this afternoon at the clinic.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah, I hoped we could take a walk or have coffee,” he told her as he stood and closed the distance between them.

“Oh,” Michaela replied relieved to have missed him. She wasn’t ready to be alone with him. “I’ve reduced my hours.”

“Since when?” he asked testily.

“Since I hired Jason. I needed more time for the children and the homestead,” she began defensively.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked more sharply than he intended.

“I guess it never came up,” she excused.

“Can I know what these new hours are?” he asked with sarcasm in his voice.

“Of course. I start early in the morning after I take the children to school and I leave at two o’clock. I usually pick the children up from school unless I have to see a patient or do something out of town,” she finished evasively.

“Where were you this afternoon?” he asked curiously wanting an answer, but not wanting to sound accusatory. “I looked everywhere and no one in town knew where you were.”

She avoided meeting his eyes. “I, uh…I had some errands to run and a patient to see outside of town,” she said, nervously fidgeting with her hands.

Sully could tell she was hiding something, but he couldn’t think of a reason she would lie to him, unless she had been with Ben. Barely able to speak because of the lump in his throat, he abruptly headed for the door. “I got chores to do,” he stammered as he exited the homestead, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

“Michaela, I’d like ta talk to ya,” Sully said calmly as he waited for her to exit Katie’s room.

Michaela grew nervous. “All right. Let’s go downstairs,” she suggested. “Would you like some coffee?” she asked as they reached the last step.

“No thank you.” He took a seat at the kitchen table.

A few moments later Michaela joined him with a cup of tea in her hand. She placed the tea on the table.

Sully hesitated for a long moment and reached for her hand. “I’m sorry, Michaela,” he began sincerely. She awkwardly stared at his hand on hers as he continued. “I never should have left when you asked me not to. I was so lost and confused that I didn’t see any other way, but I was wrong.”

“Sully…”

“No, let me finish, please.” He paused to take a deep breath. “I went on a vision quest to find my way again and it showed me all I ever wanted, everythin’ I need, is right here with you, and our family.” Sully had wanted to say these words to her for the longest time, but she had never given him the chance until now.

Michaela’s eyes never left her teacup. “I’m sorry Sully,” she responded pulling her hand away. “But, I can’t trust that.”

“It’s the truth,” he implored. “You’re the most important thing in my life! Michaela please! I know I made mistakes, and I’ll do anything to fix that. Anything!”

“Until the next time you need to get away,” she provokingly retorted. “It was hard enough on me, but the children…the children suffered too. I won’t put them through that again Sully. I won’t.”

“Don’t you think I see the pain I caused? Do you really think I’d do that to any of you again?”

“I didn’t think you could do it this time, but you did,” she replied in a barely audible voice, her heart breaking.

“Why won’t you listen ta me?” He stood up frustrated. “I’m sorry, all right? I know my leavin’ was wrong. Trust me, I know! I can’t take back what I did, but you have to trust me!”

She continued to stare into her teacup. “I can’t trust that you’ll be here for us. I did once and, well…”

His jaw clenched as he tried to stay calm. “Michaela, I know I haven’t been home much this past year, but this ain’t all my fault. You weren’t exactly here for me either.”

“But I didn’t leave Sully!” Michaela shot up from the table. “I asked you to stay and work things out and you left! Not me!” She walked away angry and offended.

“Wait!” Sully followed her into the living room and stopped her from walking off by gently grasping her arm. She stood with her back to him, refusing to turn around. “Why won’t you try?” he pleaded. “That’s all I’m askin’, is for you ta try. Try ta forgive me. Try ta trust me again. Try ta…try ta love me again.”

“I can’t,” she replied with tears stinging her eyes.

“But why?”

“I’m just not ready.”

Sully’s temper was rising with her rejections. “Maybe the reason is you don’t wanna try. Maybe you’ve got someone waitin’ ta take my place.” He revealed what was on his mind all evening.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She jolted around to confront his accusations.

“I don’t know, Michaela, why don’t you tell me,” he demanded raising his voice.

“Just because I’m not ready to be with you doesn’t mean there’s someone else,” she insisted.

“Maybe you want me out a the way so you can be with him? Did my comin’ back ruin your plans?” Sully was lashing out.

“Him who? What plans? Sully, you’re not making sense!” Now Michaela’s voice rose, as did her temper.

“It seems like you’re spendin’ a lot of time with this Ben fella. People all over town been talkin’ ‘bout the two a ya. I had to sit through it over and over again while you disappeared this afternoon,” he bitterly accused.

“Talk? About us? Oh really Sully! What could they possibly be saying? We haven’t done anything wrong,” she said defensively.

“They’re sayin’ how the two a you are always together, eatin’ lunch, walkin’ through town, disappearin’ into the woods, and dancin’ all night at the Sweetheart’s Dance. And…and, he was here on Christmas and Josef’s birthday? It seems ya let him walk right in and take my place, in my house, with my family,” he shouted deeply hurt.

“At least he was here for me, which is more than I can say for you! And he was here for the children at Christmas.” Michaela was striking back and trying to hurt him.

“So there is somethin’ goin’ on between you two!”

“I didn’t say that! And I’m not continuing this conversation.” Michaela pushed past him with tears pouring down her face and hurried up the stairs to their bedroom.

Angry and hurt, Sully turned around with his hands balled into fists at his side. He noticed Michaela’s empty teacup on the table and he reached for it and hurled it against the wall in frustration, letting out a deep growl from the back of his throat. With a heavy sigh he sat back down at the kitchen table and dropped his head in his hands, angry with himself that he had lost his temper and argued with Michaela about Ben. All he wanted was for her to stop pushing him away and try spending time with him. It was clear to him that the only way to fix things between them was to spend time together, but the more she resisted the more impatient and suspicious he became. He couldn’t understand why she lied. He couldn’t understand why she refused to work on their marriage.

Michaela reached their bedroom, threw herself down on the bed, and began to sob. With all her heart she wanted to believe that Sully was sorry and that he would be there for her, but she couldn’t. The rational part of her knew their problems weren’t all his fault and that she had neglected and hurt him too, but she was too frightened to open her heart to him again, to trust him again, and to risk being hurt.

As she pulled herself up and sat on the edge of the bed, she thought about this evening. It infuriated her that he accused her of being involved with another man since he of all people should know how impossible that was for her. Especially after she had given so much of herself to him. She felt Sully was searching for a simple explanation for what was wrong between them when the truth was far more complicated. Still, in listening to him, she now knew the town was gossiping about her and Ben. If she was completely honest, she could understand how some people might have misinterpreted their friendship. She could see those who would try to use it against Sully for the sheer purpose of making him mad: Preston, Hank, and Jake in particular.

She wiped her tears and walked to the vanity to prepare for bed. She now realized how much she had grown to depend on Ben. In many ways he was there for her in the same manner Sully always was. But she didn’t love Ben. Even though he hoped for more, she could never give him that. Her heart belonged to Sully. But she was too afraid to show her husband how she felt and she was too afraid to get close to him again. “What am I going to do?” she said aloud.

* * *

Sully spent the morning with Jake going over the plans for the addition. It was a simple design and he thought he could have it completed well before the new baby came. When he finished work, he decided to go to the clinic hoping to convince Michaela to take a walk with him so he could apologize to her for their argument last night. As he gradually made his way toward the clinic, his mind weighing different ways to convince her to go with him, he suddenly saw something that stopped him in his tracks. Outside the clinic Michaela and Ben were standing close together involved in an animated conversation. He felt his stomach tighten as he watched them. He backed behind a wagon, careful to remain out of sight. Even though he couldn’t hear what they were saying what he saw worried him.

“He’s angry I won’t try,” Michaela told Ben. “I keep telling the children to give him a chance, and yet I won’t.”

Ben put his hand on her shoulder. “He hurt you deeply. It’s understandable you would be reluctant to let him back into your life.”

“That’s true, but it’s not going to get better if I don’t try.”

“Do you want it to get better?” he asked as he watched her guardedly.

“Yes. I think so. I mean, yes, of course. No matter what happens we can’t go on living like this forever,” she answered. “Ben, people are talking about us. They told Sully that something’s going on between you and I. That’s what we argued about last night.”

“I’m sorry. You don’t need that on top of everything else,” he said putting his arm around her back. “Here. Let’s go back inside,” he suggested and guided her into the clinic so they could speak privately.

That was all Sully needed to see. Something was going on between them and he knew it. He felt a stabbing pain in his chest. It never occurred to him that Michaela would turn to another man while he was gone. As he watched them together, he wondered if Ben made her happy, since Sully felt he was obviously making her miserable. He wondered if someone like Ben might not be better for her. The possibility that Michaela was going to walk away from everything they had together suddenly seemed real and he could hardly breath. He needed to find a quiet place to think.

Sully walked to the church knowing that no one would be there and he could be alone. It was dark inside. The daylight shone through a window that afternoon illuminating only a small corner of the church. Making his way to a pew in the back, he sat down off to the side to avoid being seen. As much as he prayed he and Michaela could get back what they had, he was losing hope. Perhaps they had grown too far apart to repair the damage? Or maybe he had been right all along and Michaela wanted a different life, a life that didn’t include him? All he ever wanted was at home, but maybe what she wanted wasn’t anymore.

In his despair Sully contemplated his life without Michaela. If he lost her, it would be torture to remain in Colorado Springs without her in his life. He couldn’t imagine seeing her in town and acting like casual acquaintances. But at the same time he couldn’t leave his kids again. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he ever hurt them again or caused them to doubt his love. They were the best part of him. He was going to make sure he helped raise them right and ensured that they knew he was always there for them. As tears slowly filled his eyes, Sully dropped his head in his hands. He was scared and unsure if there was anything he could do now to save his marriage.

Suddenly the church door opened. Sully’s head shot up. As he slowly turned around to see who it was, he had to shield his eyes from the sudden burst of light coming through the open door.

Chapter Twenty-One

“Dorothy,” Sully murmured.

She stepped closer to him. “I saw you come inside. I thought you could use a friend,” she spoke softly taking a seat beside him in the pew.

Sully sat quietly.

“Are you all right?” she asked as she studied his face.

“Not really.” He looked away.

Dorothy rested her hand on his shoulder. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Nothin’ ta talk about.” He shifted uncomfortably in the seat. “Cloud Dancin’ misses you and sends his best.”

Dorothy placed her hand over her heart. “Oh, Sully. Is he well?”

He nodded. “He knows his place is with his people. He’s grateful there’s still some left who wanna learn the old ways.”

“Well, I’m glad.” She paused then continued cautiously. “As much as I’d like to hear more about Cloud Dancing, I’m worried about you…and Michaela,” she revealed.

Sully remained silent. With his shoulders slumped he dropped his head into his hands and rigidly ran his fingers through his hair.

“I’d like to help you.”

He inhaled deeply. “There’s nothin’ you can do Dorothy. It’s pretty clear Michaela don’t want me here.”

“Oh Sully. That’s not true. She does want you here,” Dorothy insisted.

“No she don’t. You’ve seen ‘er. She can’t stand ta be near me,” he said staring at the floor.

“I know that’s how it seems now, but that’s not really how she feels.”

“It’d be better if I never came back at all. I was right the first time. Michaela’s better off without me.”

“Better off?” Her eyes widened. “Is that what you were thinkin’? Is that what you’re thinkin’ now?”

Sully raised his head from his hands and looked at her. “It ain’t what I’m thinkin’…it’s what I see, what I know,” he challenged.

Dorothy sighed. “Nothin’ could be more wrong. Michaela and those kids were miserable without you. You just have to be patient. Don’t you think you’re expecting too much too soon from Michaela?”

He turned in his seat to meet her eyes. “I could wait as long as it takes if I saw it gettin’ better, if there was hope.”

“Why do you believe there’s no hope?” she asked.

“She won’t talk ta me and she can’t stand ta be in the same room with me,” he grudgingly revealed. “What am I supposed ta think?” He was becoming agitated.

Dorothy bit her lip and lowered her voice. “Michaela thought the same thing about you before you left. She felt you didn’t want to be with her.”

Sully looked away guiltily from the knowledge that Michaela had indeed noticed him pulling away from her before he left. After a moment he turned back to Dorothy. “Katie won’t do anythin’ with me, Brian hates me, and it seems Ben’s just waitin’ ta take my place,” he spoke more adamantly, his voice breaking.

“Oh no Sully! Ben filled a void for Michaela while you were gone, but she doesn’t love him. No one could take your place in her heart,” Dorothy supplied. “I believe Michaela could talk to him better than some of us, including me, because he didn’t know you and your history together.”

Sully took a deep breath. “I’ve seen ‘em together. He’s in love with her. Maybe he’d make her happier than I can.”

“Sully, no one made Michaela as happy as you did. You’ve got to know that,” she stressed.

Sully lowered his eyes.

“I wish I could tell you it will all work out, but I can’t. You broke Michaela’s heart. I’ve never seen her as broken as I did right after Christmas.” She stopped, unsure of how much to tell him.

“I never meant to hurt her,” he whispered in a voice barely audible.

Dorothy put her hand atop his. “Sully, she had such faith in you. Everything in her just knew you would be there, then when you weren’t…well…you let her down and I think that’s what hurt the most.”

Sully abruptly stood and walked to the church window with his back to Dorothy. “I tried ta get home for Christmas. I tried.”

“She waited for you. She wanted to give you the time you needed to work things out, confident that when you did, the two of you would be able to fix what was wrong between you. When you didn’t send word, she worried you were hurt. The longer you were gone, she started to believe you were telling her that you didn’t want to be together, that you didn’t love her anymore. It wasn’t until after Christmas that it all finally hit her at once. Brian had to come for my help.”

“Help? Why?” he asked almost afraid of the answer.

“With Michaela. By then she had lost all hope, and she had lost some of herself along with it.”

Sully inhaled deeply to control his emotions and stared out the church window bracing himself for her next words.

Dorothy continued. “When I walked in your room I’d never seen a sadder sight. My best friend, the strongest woman I know, was curled up on the rug in front of the fire like a baby, all the life gone out of her. She was clutching your wedding picture, surrounded by all your clothes. She hadn’t eaten or slept for days. Her hair looked like it hadn’t been brushed for some time and her face was streaked with tears. She didn’t even notice I was there at first.”

Sully’s legs suddenly became unsteady beneath him and he placed a hand on the windowsill for balance. As a single tear rolled down his cheek, he was unable to imagine how he was going to live with the knowledge of having inflicted that kind of pain on his wife. Not wanting anyone’s pity, least of all Dorothy’s, he bit back his tears. “No wonder she said she couldn’t speak ta me yet. I can’t blame ‘er.”

Dorothy watched him carefully. “I’m not trying to hurt you, but you need to understand why it’s so hard for Michaela to open herself to you again.”

Sully nodded, terrified to ask his next question. “How were the kids?”

“Josef waited by the window for you on Christmas day. He was so sure you were coming home. He didn’t want to open presents or do anything until you were there. Brian told me Michaela had to pry him away from the window and carry him to bed. The time after Christmas was hardest for everyone. Michaela was so helpless. Katie became very withdrawn and Josef struggled in school. They thought they had lost you and they were scared they were going to lose her too. It was Katie who finally reached Michaela when none of us could. Katie got her to see that she had to go on for them. Because they needed their mother.”

Sully took several deep breaths. He finally understood the conversation he overheard between his wife and daughter. No wonder Katie was so scared for her. Sully knew that it was because of him that his children had to see their mother in pain and the knowledge was almost too much to bear.

“Michaela and those kids love you, but they need to learn to trust you again. It’s gonna take time Sully and they’re gonna resist sometimes, like your seein’. It took a lot for Michaela to lose her confidence in you and it’s hard right now for her to trust you again. But she will. You can’t expect to regain that in just a few weeks. It may take a while. It may take a long while. But I know in her heart she is willing to try because she loves you.”

“I’m never gonna cause her that kinda pain again,” Sully vowed as he returned to his seat in the pew. “And I’m not gonna stop tryin’ ta make this up to her for as long as I live.”

“Then give it time and show them they can count on you. I believe you can have your family back, but you have to be patient,” Dorothy told him, pausing. “You’ve got to stop running off when you’re hurting and ignoring the feelings of everyone around you.”

Dorothy’s words stung. “I can’t lose them Dorothy. I don’t know how I’d go on.”

Dorothy patted his back. “Then you know just how Michaela felt.”

“What if I’m too late? What if she can’t be happy with me again?”

“Don’t make that decision for her. Give Michaela time to decide what she wants to do,” she advised resting her hand on his shoulder.

Swallowing hard, he looked at Dorothy. “I’m gonna regret this for the rest of my life.”

“I believe you may Sully. But you still have the rest of your life to do something about it.” Sensing he needed time alone to reflect on what she had just told him, Dorothy stood and left the church.

Sully remained in the church a few moments longer despondent over all he had learned. His family was in terrible pain, all at his hand, and he didn’t know how he was going to live with the guilt. He slowly stood and left the church. He wanted to ride into the woods and think about what to do since he couldn’t bear to face anyone right now, especially not Michaela. As he mounted his horse, trying to decide which direction to head, he suddenly knew he had to go home. “I can’t have ‘em thinkin’ I disappeared again.” Slowly, he rode toward the homestead with his head hung low as Dorothy’s words echoed in his head.

Sully entered the house relieved no one was there. He slowly walked upstairs to Brian’s room, removed his belt and shoes and crawled into bed. His head was throbbing with a terrible pain. Staring at the ceiling he thought about what Dorothy had told him. Everything made sense now. He understood exactly how Michaela felt while he was gone, since it was those same feelings that caused him to leave in the first place. As he thought about how to make things right again, he resolved that all he could do was love her and be there for her and hope it would be enough. “What about Ben?” he thought. “I can’t worry about that now. Michaela and me have been together almost thirteen years. He’s only known her a few months.” Sully had to hope their bond was as strong as he always believed. As the emotions of the day caught up to him, he slowly fell asleep.

* * *

“Sully,” Michaela called knocking on his door.

No answer.

“Sully, supper’s ready.”

There was still no answer.

“Perhaps he’s not here,” she thought as she slowly opened the door. She peered inside, and was surprised to see Sully curled up on his side fast asleep. Her heart warmed at seeing him so vulnerable. It reminded her of Josef when he slept. Quietly tiptoeing over to the edge of the bed, she leaned over and touched his shoulder.

“Sully,” she whispered.

“Uh….” His eyes tried to focus.

“It’s time for supper,” she said still resting her hand on his shoulder. “Are you all right?”

Consumed by guilt and shame, he found little comfort in her touch as he stared blankly at the wall. “You go ahead. I’m not feelin’ too good. I’m gonna stay up here and sleep.”

“What’s wrong?”

“My head,” he weakly stated.

She reached over his shoulder to feel his brow. “You don’t have a fever. Is it another megrim?”

“I don’t think so. Just a headache. You go down to supper. I’ll be all right.”

“I’ll bring you some willow bark tea,” she said, gently taking his hand.

“You don’t have to.”

Michaela squeezed his hand tighter. “I want to Sully. It will make you feel better.”

Sully felt a shiver of guilt at the sincerity of her touch.

A few minutes later she returned holding a steaming cup of willow bark tea in her hands. Carefully setting the tea on the nightstand, she turned to place her arm beneath his back. “Can you sit up?”

Sully reluctantly allowed her to help him into a sitting position.

Michaela handed him the cup of tea and urged him to drink the warm liquid, brushing back his hair and feeling his brow once again for a fever. Satisfied he had enough, she placed the cup back on the nightstand and stood to leave. “Now just lie back down and rest. I’ll bring you up some supper later.” She backed out of the room to walk downstairs to join the children for supper.

“Where’s Papa?” Katie asked resting her fork across her plate.

“He’s not feeling well, sweetheart,” her mother explained. “I brought him some willow bark tea and after supper, I’ll see if he’ll eat some soup.” Michaela lifted her fork to her mouth.

“Papa’s sick?” Josef questioned not sure he had ever seen his father sick.

“He’s got a headache and he’s very tired. He may have had a difficult day,” she said trying to hide her worry.

“Can I see Papa?” Josef asked.

Michaela smiled. “I’m sure he’d like that. Why don’t we bring him the soup together?” She turned to Katie. “Would you like to join us sweetheart?”

“No thank you,” Katie replied staring at the food on her plate.

After they all finished eating, Michaela cleared the supper dishes and warmed up some soup for Sully. Carrying the soup upstairs, followed closely by Josef, she reached Brian’s room, and balancing the soup in one hand she knocked on the door.

“Sully,” she called from the other side of the door.

“Come in,” he answered wearily.

Josef opened the door and they entered his room. Immediately she noticed his distraught expression and was aware that he was bothered by more than just a headache.

“Hey Joe,” Sully said sitting up.

“You sick Papa?” Josef asked sitting next to Sully on the edge of the bed.

“I’m all right. My head hurts a bit,” he answered downplaying his agony.

“Mama will make you all better ‘cause she’s a doctor and that’s what doctors are ‘posed ta do,” the little boy declared.

“I know, and she’s a real good one too.” He glanced at Michaela.

Michaela felt her face flush. “I brought you soup,” she said placing it on the nightstand and taking a seat next to Josef at the foot of the bed.

“Thank you,” he weakly smiled. The mood was quiet and comfortable as Michaela and Josef sat with Sully as he ate.

“Sully,” Michaela spoke tentatively.

“Umm,” he responded.

“If you’re up to it, could you take care of the children tomorrow?” she asked.

“Sure, why?”

“School’s closed because Mrs. Slicker has to attend a teacher’s conference in Denver. I forgot about it until this evening. I could take them to the clinic, but I think they’d have a better time here. It would give you a chance to spend some time with them,” she emphasized.

“I’d like that. Is that all right with you Joe?”

“Can we go sledding?” The young boy was growing excited.

“If ya want. There’s still plenty of snow,” Sully responded.

“Please be careful if you take the children sledding,” she stressed.

“I will, but it ain’t like they never been before.” He sensed there was something more making Michaela uncomfortable, but he didn’t know what. “Is somethin’ wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” she responded quickly.

“Katie won’t wanna go,” Josef said disappointed.

“I’m afraid she doesn’t have a choice,” Michaela stated.

“Michaela, don’t force her,” he cautioned.

“I’m not forcing her. She needs to spend time with you and Josef,” she explained.

“But, if she don’t wanna then, well, I don’t want her more angry at me…or at you.”

“If she doesn’t stay here she’ll want to go to the clinic with me and I have patients all day tomorrow. And I’d rather not impose on Grace or Dorothy anymore than I already have.”

“All right, but don’t push the idea on her just yet.”

“I won’t, but she’ll see it’s better if she stays here,” she insisted then sighed. “I’ve got to get someone to bed,” she whispered to Sully as she noticed Josef had lain down next to his father and was beginning to fall asleep on the bed. “Do you need anything else?”

“No. I’m feelin’ much better already,” he replied with a smile. Michaela leaned over her husband to pick up Josef. “Thank you, Michaela,” he whispered as he looked into her eyes, her face only a few inches away from his.

Michaela smiled shyly at him. “You’re welcome.” She stood with Josef in her arms. “Goodnight, Sully,” she said as she turned to leave, glancing back at him before closing the door.

“G’night,” he answered. As badly as the day began for him, it ended with a ray of hope. Hope that his family was beginning to heal. Vowing to spend the rest of his life making up for the pain he caused Michaela and the kids, he grew weary from the willow bark tea. Finally he rolled over and fell asleep.

* * *

“Make sure they’re warm enough when you go sledding,” Michaela told Sully as she busily pulled out the children’s hats and mittens.

“I will. Don’t worry,” he said as he stilled her hands. Unnerved by his touch, she slowly pulled her hands away.

“Mama, I wanna go to the clinic with you,” Katie pleaded grabbing her hand.

“Katie, we’ve been over this. I have a lot of patients today. I want you to stay home with your father,” she insisted.

“But…”

“No buts young lady,” she stated firmly.

Sully bent to his knees to face his daughter. “Kates, I promise we’ll have a good time. We’ll do whatever you wanna do when we get back from sleddin’,” he promised. “How’s that sound?”

“I guess,” she grudgingly replied.

“Good, now let’s get you bundled up like your ma says.” Sully brought Katie her coat and handed her the mittens, scarf, and hat. “You heard your ma. You gotta keep warm,” he said as he turned to help Josef on with his coat, hat and mittens as well.

When they got to the hill, Josef took his sled and went down. Katie was reluctant.

“Look how much fun Joe’s havin’. Don’t ya wanna do it? I remember you were real adventurous when we went sleddin’,” Sully told her as he worried about her apprehension. “Last time I took you here you wanted to race me down.”

Katie wasn’t sure which was worse, sledding or staying at the top of the hill with her father. Since her accident in the creek, she hadn’t gone sledding and she was frightened. She wanted to tell her father she was scared and let him help her get over it like he always did, but she was still angry with him.

“Is somethin’ wrong, sweet girl?” Sully gently pressed.

“I don’t like this hill,” she said stubbornly.

“You always did before. It was your favorite,” he reminded her.

“It’s not now.”

Josef came to the top of the hill. “Come on, Katie. Come sledding with me,” he begged.

“Okay.” Katie decided staying with her father was worse. She positioned her sled on the hill and after a few moments she closed her eyes and pushed off.

Sully watched her carefully. She was scared. Between Michaela’s nervousness and Katie’s fear, he wondered if something happened when he was away. He smiled as both children successfully reached the bottom of the hill, laughing and covered in snow. Katie and Josef walked their sleds up the hill and went down again. When they climbed back to the top, Josef threw a snowball at Sully. He tossed a soft snowball back and the two of them spent several minutes laughing and playing in the snow while Katie watched from the sidelines. As the day wore on, the kids wore down. Soon they returned home.

“Let’s sit by the fire and warm up,” he said when they entered the homestead. I’ll make some hot cocoa.” Sully enjoyed this day with his children. Josef was almost his old self and Katie, though she was still distant and cold toward her father, was having fun even if she was fighting it.

Katie and Josef walked over to the fire and Sully handed them each a cup of hot cocoa.

“What do ya wanna do now Kates?”

“I don’t know,” she replied disinterested.

“There must be somethin’ you really wanna do. Somethin’ ya don’t get to do all that much maybe.”

Katie crossed her arms and glared at her father. “I wanna go ridin’,” she demanded, positive he would say no.

“Sure, you can ride up on the horse with me.”

“I don’t wanna ride with you. I can ride by myself.”

“Kates, I can start teachin’ ya ta ride in a few months when it’s warmer and when we can find a smaller horse,” he said wishing he hadn’t turned down her first request.

“Mama already taught me. I can do it,” she boldly told him.

“She did?” Sully was surprised.

“Yeah, Robert E. had a small horse and Mama and Matthew took me ridin’, but I wanna go again.”

“Well, all right. If ya already know the basics, I’ll try ya on Flash since Matthew came to get your ma this mornin’.” Sully was nervous as the memory of his brother being dragged to death by a horse came to mind. He was just about Katie’s age when it happened. As much as he didn’t want anything to happen to Katie, he couldn’t deny her this request after seeing her eyes light up. He hadn’t seen her this happy in weeks.

“Really? You’ll let me ride Flash!” she exclaimed with a huge grin.

“Sure why not! She’s real gentle and the smallest horse we got. Is that all right with you Joe if we take Katie ridin?”

“Yeah. When can I ride?” he asked as he crawled into his father’s lap.

Sully held him tight. “When you’re older Joe, but I’ll bring you up with me on my horse when Katie’s ridin’.”

“What else did ya do when I was away?” Sully asked curious that Michaela found the time to teach Katie to ride.

“We went fishin’,” Katie said. “Lots of times until it got cold.”

“Brian taught me to fly a kite and he gave me a kite for Christmas,” Josef told him.

“I flew a kite with Mama, we baked cookies, and we tried to teach Ben to use a bow and arrow. That was funny Papa,” Katie said giggling. Immediately she quieted as she willed herself to stay mad at her father, but it was becoming more difficult.

It felt wonderful to hear her call him Papa again. “I imagine it was.” As glad as he was that Michaela and the children found the time to do those things together, he wished he could have been a part of it.

“Kates, was somethin’ wrong on the hill?” Sully tentatively asked.

“Huh?”

“Well, you didn’t seem too comfortable sleddin’ at first, like you were scared or somethin’. You ain’t ever been scared a sleddin’ before,” he pressed.

“That’s ‘cause last time her sled went too fast and she fell in the creek,” Josef supplied.

“The creek? That must’ve been real cold,” he said thinking that wasn’t the entire story.

Katie nodded.

“She got real sick too,” Josef told his father.

Sully felt his chest tighten. He had a dream Katie was sick. “How long were ya sick?”

“Katie almost died,” Josef added.

“Hush Joey!” Katie exclaimed.

“Mama made her all better ‘cause she’s a doctor,” Josef finished.

Sully couldn’t believe Michaela didn’t mention this. “Died?” he murmured. “Katie, please tell me what happened,” he said staring at her with his steel blue eyes.

Seeing her father so frightened she obliged. “Mama said I had a high fever and was uncon…I don’t know the word,” she told him.

“Unconscious?” he said in disbelief.

She nodded.

“How long were you unconscious?”

“Mama says two days, I think. Then I was really tired. I stayed home from school for a week and Mama stayed with me. Ben brought me drawing paper and books so I wouldn’t get bored. Mrs. Slicker gave Joey my homework so I wouldn’t fall too far behind. Brian said Mama was real scared, but Ben took care of her,” Katie said drinking another sip of hot cocoa.

Sully’s head was spinning. His heart ached for Michaela having to endure such an ordeal without him. It was even more painful to think he could have lost Katie. That had almost happened once before and he wasn’t sure he and Michaela would get through it then. He felt guilty he wasn’t there to hold Katie’s hand and reassure his wife. He was also worried about his wife’s relationship with Ben. It seemed Ben was a part of everything that happened to his family when he was away, everything.

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there Katie. I should have been there holdin’ your hand and helpin’ your ma,” he admitted overcome with guilt.

Katie sat stone-faced staring into the fire. “He was right. He should have been there,” she thought as she remembered being scared. “Papa always made me feel better, and he always made Mama feel better too.”

Sully watched Katie and realized she wasn’t ready to forgive him. Knowing what she went through without him, he couldn’t blame her. First it was Michaela, and now Katie. After all this Sully wasn’t sure he could forgive himself so he really didn’t expect his family to either.

Continue